Baby Steps & Giant Leaps!

Someone who knows part of this journey, and indeed is part of this journey, said to me “baby steps,” and I turned round and said “no – GIANT LEAPS”.  This is the journey of both the baby steps of the last couple of months, and the giant leaps.  I believe I am a different person, people tell me I am a different person.  I fight some of the same battles every day, some haven’t changed, but I know Jesus had already won them all for me.

Now at this point, I see many people turning off.  Those of you who don’t want to know about God.  Well – you’re reading this because you’ve known me at some point, because you’ve been directed here, or because God has brought you here.  Please don’t switch off just because this is mostly about what God has done in my life.  Please simply accept that, and read on, and I pray you will see God is real, Jesus is alive, and Jesus is alive in me, and He can be in you too.

To start, I must look at where I’ve come from.  At times, a dark, dark place.  Actually quite a lot of times – a dark, dark place.  If you read the last 90+ pages (my Word Document is on page 96 of all the blog posts put together), you’ll see ups and downs at various points.  You’ll see where the Lord has placed me and places where things have been taken away from me.  If you haven’t read all that at some point, then I’ll give a brief recall of the bit before these amazing last few weeks.

Around eighteen months ago, my best friend of 20 years, Paul, passed away after suffering from cancer.  He was the only human friend I really talked to with any routine regularity, and the only friend I’d properly kept for any length of time regardless of being involved in a specific group and the friendship being quite limited to the activities of that specific group.

I got involved in two groups I had previously had to come away from in my attempts to find friends, socialising and indeed something to do in my spare time.  Over periods of months, they didn’t work out, and I was kicked out of both groups within a couple of months, and it really affected me.  I wrote this of that time in May 2017:

“I spent the next two weeks really struggling, as I literally had nothing to do.  I can’t remember how many times I just wanted someone to phone me, talk to me, and want to actually know I existed.  I lost count of how many nights I went to bed not wanting to wake up in the morning, and then finding I never actually slept to wake up from.  I lost the ability to talk to people at will, without having to specially arrange something, without others being in the way, and without it being forced to fit around a specific activity.  Nothing has replaced that since, and I am nowhere close to seeing an alternative.”

Now writing in October 2017, I don’t miss either group.  At the time I had also gained and lost a couple of people I thought were good friends, which turned out not to be the case.  And in a way which only God can work, one of these people introduced me to their then wife, with whom I am now good friends with.

So, I’m going through the daily battles in my world – mostly work related.  The hardest thing looking back is that I wasn’t seeing God at work, in the people at work or in me at work.  I was constantly praying for a new job, applying for jobs, trying to do anything and everything to get out of being in a place which was destroying me for 45 hours + per week, and that I couldn’t get away from even when I wasn’t at work, such is the life living with the same people I work with.

Quite honestly, I was stressed, depressed, anxious and suicidal at times, lonely and a whole lot more.  I wrote before about going to bed, and praying the Lord would take me away in my sleep, only to find I didn’t sleep, so I was still here the next morning.  I knew I was at the time, I know I was now, but all I knew to do was to pray for a way out, to be in a different place, and to not feel so alone.

What came next was my 30^th birthday, as described in the previous blog post.  I prayed at the time for the friend who was called by God to talk to me that morning would know how special and important that day was.  We both know now, as it was the beginning of a friendship that has grown and grown and grown since.  We broke down the barriers that were in the way that morning, and we let God in.  God brought us together.  We broke the barriers down and let God in.

I have to openly admit that I let things go a bit quiet again.  I know now that I had an encounter with God that day, but I didn’t keep hold of it.  At work, I was worse than ever.  I felt lonelier than ever too – maybe because I had seen a friend, but not one yet who I could talk to openly and freely.  I know we both prayed into an opportunity to meet together and meet with the Lord, and to break down more barriers, and work out why the Lord was bringing us together.  In those weeks, I had some very strong physical stress symptoms and sleeping got worse, and nightmares came.  I was being attacked now harder as my strength had risen with the Lord, and at the time, I didn’t realise it.

I was praying more than previously, though many of my prayers were still “help” or what I would call very passive prayers – perhaps even selfish ones.  There have been many moments in church where I’ve been able to share prayers during intercessions, but one at the end of one week, I knew I was struggling.  I went to church on the Sunday morning in a mess.  I sat down in the back corner, and just put myself in prayer with the Lord.  The Lord gave me six words to share in a prayer in the intercessions, and at that moment, I was attacked – only 3 words actually came out.  As the service progressed, I had another attack and was nearly physically sick in church.  After the service I was just left sat there, finding the Lord again.  I knew I could not move until I had sorted myself, and I didn’t move.  4 people came and prayed with me, and I left when I was at calm and peace with the Lord once more.

It really pushed me to put some friends around me who I could, if nothing else at that time, just give a string of issues to and ask them to pray into.  Of the small group, most took the idea on board, some even replied to my messages, a couple even started up what you would call conversation.  That week ahead I knew would be a difficult one.  On top of 5 days of work, came next a Bank Holiday weekend, where all my plans had fallen apart now I had no commitments to the groups I was no longer a part of.  Before that came two of the days without my parents at work – worse still, they weren’t going away anywhere, and they would be around at home when I finished work, so I felt I had no space at all to let go if I needed to, because as soon as I got home, I’d have to come out with what had happened.  Dad in particular threatened to just turn up at work if he wanted to – his supposed excuses were dealt with the day before he was off by the rest of us who instructed my parents to actually have the days off.

The first day of the two they did.  The situations weren’t brilliant.  As with most things then, I got through somehow, but I wasn’t coping with it.  There were certain things left in a mess or without explanation, things happen that were promised that nobody knew about, and a lot more I can’t put on here, and it doesn’t really matter.  That Thursday night, I was up half the night on the toilet being poorly – the gases in my stomach were pushing everything inside around, and it just wasn’t very pleasant at all.

I got through work on the Friday somehow, but a lot of things were just left as I really wasn’t very well.  Indeed, I didn’t eat anything properly until the Saturday evening.  Some people would call this a stomach bug, but it was a huge attack mixed with my stress and anxiety.  That bank holiday weekend was a quiet one.  Saturday I spent trying to recover physically, Sunday was church and not much else, and I’d run out of things to do by Monday.  I prayed as I often did for someone to want to be a part of my world, and for something to fill the blanks.

This time, someone did want to fill the blanks.  I had a message asking if I wanted to go for lunch.  I said yes, and then the anxiety kicked in.  I’d never done lunch with a friend before.  We’d talked about meeting up so many times, but I’d taken it to be another one where a lot got talked about and that was about as far as it went.  I just said to tell me where to go and you sort out what we do, because I have no idea.  I prayed, I was incredibly nervous.  Once we were sat down, and had sorted out the worldly bit of dealing with our surroundings, all that nervousness and anxiety went.  We enjoyed our lunch, and we went for a walk.  I gave some of my life story and where God was in me at that time, we sat on a bench and prayed together – just us and God.  It was so, so peaceful.  Something I’d never done before, and I pray I’ll be able to do again sometime.  God had delivered me something I needed to do, a way to cope with it, and given me a clear angel to help me along my way.  And I knew God had given me for them too, and so did they.

The afternoon naturally came to a conclusion, in our own time.  We said we needed to make sure this wasn’t the last time.  On the Tuesday, I went back to work.  Not easy, and now having to deal with what didn’t happen on the Friday when I was poorly.  As the week went on, I got worse and worse in my mind.  I had seen something I wanted more of, but couldn’t get hold of it.  On the Thursday, I broke down several times.  The cries for help I sent day I walked out of work 3 times, and then broke down whilst sending messages to people urgently asking for prayers.  I saw another situation on the Friday I thought I couldn’t handle.  I don’t have any messages that say I majorly broke again on the Friday, so I presume it wasn’t as bad as I was fearing, but I wasn’t getting through a single day.

On the Sunday, the Lord presented an opportunity to put a couple of issues straight.  On the Thursday evening whilst I was well in pieces, three things happened.  I shared my situation with a handful of close friends who I knew had been praying for me.  I arranged to meet with our minister from church for a chat, as I had now had two encounters with God which were big, but I was struggling to keep hold of God in everyday work.  And I got lumped with a reading for Sunday morning’s service.  The reading wasn’t an easy one, and I recall not being very happy about being stuck with it – someone had said yes before asking me.  Recall that last time the Lord called me on a Sunday morning, only three words of the six He gave me got out and I was poorly from the attack made on me.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but this was my time to show my strength, my faith and the power of the Lord to overcome all of this.  It was our minister taking the service.  Again, I was in a corner praying deeply as I knew I was fighting to make it work.  We had the communion part of our service first, and God had led us to take communion from each other rather than directly from the minister.  Basically one person would take communion, and then give communion to the next person.  My heart sank.  I had this huge fear of having to receive and take communion with either someone I didn’t know that well, or worse with people I am just not comfortable around.  As it was, the Lord put His hand on the situation.  There were two special people to me that week – the one I’d met up with for lunch and shared the afternoon with, and grandma who had the worst of me that day when I walked out of work.  The Lord worked so I received from one, and shared communion with the other.  Hallelujah!  It was so peaceful and perfect.

I went back to my seat, and was led to Psalms 133 & 134.  At the end of the communion part of the service, we sang.  After that I was called to give my reading.  I was led to read part of one of those Psalms first, and then my reading.  I was so blessed that day.  I had defeated the attacks from previously, and stepped forwards with the Lord once more.  After the service, someone came up to me and gave me a big hug, and started praying for me there and then.  They prayed for me to be freed from the devil’s attacks, and be open to the Lord.  It was such an amazing moment – it just happened.  They apologised afterwards for just coming and grabbing me, but I knew the Lord had told them to do that, and it didn’t bother me.  Indeed, I’ve really come to appreciate a good, decent, meaningful hug in the last few weeks.

In the days that followed, I was released, and I was free.  On the Monday night, I shared with that person that I had coped with a day at work, and I started praying for that person using “we”.  On the Tuesday evening we shared celebrations of making that two days coping, and on Wednesday three days.  I’d started really taking attention to some bible study notes that I had been given, and actually reading them more than just an odd day – and sharing them as the Lord was leading me.  On the Tuesday evening, I had the meeting with our minister.  I had arranged it when things were so dark the previous week, and now I was in such a better place.  We shared testimony and prayer, and I was feeling a real turning point going on.  That’s because God was taking control.  On the Wednesday evening, I again quietly shared of 3 days coping.  I contacted a friend I hadn’t seen for a while, and asked him if he had thought about going to a men’s breakfast we both used to be regulars at.  He hadn’t been for a while, and I hadn’t been for over two years.  It turned out that God was giving me the call to go, and him too.  I didn’t understand why at the time – I had stopped going because by the weekend, I needed space from Dad, and going with him to breakfasts wasn’t giving that space.  Dad will talk about work to anyone and everyone, where I just want to be away from it when I’m in the bad way I had been.

But before the weekend, danger was ahead.  Thursday completely broke me.  It was like back to square one.  I nearly cancelled the breakfast I had agreed to go to.  According to a message I sent, I got disturbed, and never did cancel.  As it was, I went on the Saturday morning, managed to sit with my friend, and we had our own conversation for most of the time.  Perhaps we weren’t that sociable with others, but the Lord had called us both there to be with each other for that time.

The next giant leap would come that Saturday afternoon.  It was the launch service for the new Lincoln Methodist Circuit.  That’s several hundred people coming together in a strange place.  And God was calling me there.  I hadn’t committed to going, but as it got closer and closer, God was pulling me and pulling me.  I got in the car with my parents, and I started shaking.  We got there, and I went in, being very shy, and still shaking.  We sat down – no space of my own and trapped around my parents.  The service went on.  The acoustics in the place were awful!  I just sat there, shaking.  I remember “with God, anything is possible”.

The end of the service came, and I was still shaking.  I looked around for a way to get some space, and didn’t see one.  We got up, and my parents started “mingling” and I drew myself away from them.  At the front, activity seemed rather frantic.  It turned out time was a little tight to get all the PA, music & AV equipment taken down before there was supposed to be another service.  So, I just started clearing and tidying cables.  I knew the worship leader and his parents, and a couple of the others involved.  There were several people I didn’t know, and a few people were wondering what I was doing – they were quickly told I knew what I was doing and so I just carried on.  Then we got it all into 3 cars.  My parents had gone by now – we were supposed to have gone to another venue for tea – or lots of sitting around chatting to random people.  That’s just not me.

It started raining, and we were rushing trying not to get the equipment or ourselves too wet.  I then asked where the equipment was going, and what else I could do.  I knew the person’s house it was going to, and was offered a seat to help unload it all, and then a lift back to where tea was.  We just got on with it.  We had all the musical equipment including a complete drum kit, PA and AV equipment dismantled, packed and unpacked, and were back eating tea inside 45 minutes.  I thought at that point this was just a way of me being able to cope with that day, but the Lord had more plans.

I had some food, and then had some brief discussions with a few people, and then found myself with the worship leader.  There is a back story here – I’ve known him for a long time, worked with him many years ago when we were in the same church, always got on, but our paths separated when he left the church I was in, which was shortly before I was told to stop doing technical stuff.  We got talking about the group he had led worship with, which was formed from a Thursday night meeting at their church called “Connected”.  We both commented on the acoustics, and he told me it was difficult for him to play, lead and deal with the sound at the same time.  I was quite surprised nobody was separately dealing with sound, and told him he should have said something.

I had been aware of “Connected” and there had been something put in my mind from a previous discussion with his Dad – indeed the previous time I had seen his Dad was at work on one of my disaster days, and I cried out to him to pray for the situation, which was about to come full circle.  Basically, Connected didn’t have a “sound man”, and we quickly reached the conclusion that that was going to be me!  We both started jumping around.  God had pulled me to that circuit service, not to be at the service, but to be there afterwards to set the ball rolling for things to come at “Connected”.

On the way out, I said to his Dad “see you next Thursday” – and he had no idea of the conversation.  He said “I hope not” – thinking I meant at work.  So I said “No – next Thursday evening!”  We all started jumping around.  Even my Dad got what was going on.

First, I had to get through the week and a half in between.  It was a week and a half because Connected is different each week of the month, and my “sound man” services were only required on two of the four weeks.  I knew if I was going to make a proper go of this opportunity, I had to try all 4 of the different things, not just the two I knew I had a place at.  That next Thursday was bible study – and the thought of starting in a group of mostly strangers with bible study was too much, and I didn’t go that first week.

The beginning of the first week was challenging.  Indeed most of that week was challenging.  By the Thursday my anxiety and emotions were well on top of me again, and I was crying out for prayer.  I had arranged to have the Friday off work, watching trains somewhere different to the normal places we go, meeting with a friend part way through the morning.  I’d decided to go early, as there was something I wanted to see.

Even that day off was a disaster.  What we went to see was badly affected by an incident meaning what we went to see wasn’t there to see.  I got ¾ of the way there, and had to dive to a toilet quickly – my stomach boiling over such was my state.  That continued all day, and I never rested or relaxed.  All that week I’d been getting nightmares and not sleeping.  Even the night before this when I was up before 4am, I was awake at 2am!  I came away some 5 hours earlier than I had planned, and made my way home, poorly and tired.

As before, I was two days recovering, and it was Sunday again when I started to feel sensible.  This was another turning point.  Seemingly nothing specific happened, but God was at work.

This next week, I had something to aim at.  Unlike other things, there were no nerves, no worry, just peace.  I knew I had been called to Connected on the Thursday evening, I knew I was going.  First there were four days to get through.  I shared the situation with the small group of friends once more, but this time I had the Lord firmly in my grasp.  But work still wasn’t good.  I still wasn’t dealing with the raging attacks from inside and outside of my situation.  I was in daily contact with a couple of people that week, and it made a huge difference very consciously praying.  I was focussed on not getting pushed aside and making it to God’s house where He had called me to.

On the Thursday, I coped with work.  I realise now because I had the Lord with me, and I was focussed.  I turned up to set up for Connected, and the Lord put everything in place.  I fitted in, I was given freedom to fulfil my calling, and it was wonderful.  It was some 5 or 6 years since I have been allowed so much freedom.  We all felt that relief being lifted, and several people who came to worship that evening knew something special was going on, if not exactly what.  It just all fitted together.

At the end of the evening, I was asked if I was doing anything on the Saturday evening…

But first came the Friday – Mum and Dad were going away for the weekend, leaving me on my own.  They were supposed to be finishing work early, but not as early as they should have.  I had invited a friend to home, just to have a chat and pray.  They offered to cook dinner with me as well, so we met up and waited for Mum and Dad to go, and then went and cooked dinner, shared what was going on, I shared some of this testimony indeed, and we prayed.  Again, this was something I’ve never done before – I’ve never invited a friend round, never cooked with anyone outside of my parents, and never felt to free to not have to worry about what someone else might be thinking.  We were both truly blessed, and we prayed the opportunity would come up again, or with one or two others perhaps?

On the Saturday, I went on tour with the “Connected Band” at another church.  A few people were surprised to see me there, but I knew God had called me.  We set up and got sorted, but there were some gremlins going on.  We were being attacked.  We brought it all to the Lord, and worked around every single problem, and the evening was a wonderful ministry to those who came.  I remember even spending some time with the Lord in peaceful prayer myself that evening.

The following day was our Harvest Festival at church.  I went knowing that was my chance to talk to people and have whatever time I needed in church without being in the timescales of my parents, who were still away.  I was very much in a brighter place after the previous 3 days – I had coped with 2 days at work and had three amazing evenings with the Lord.  The Lord called me to do something special that morning.  After the sermon given, the Lord called me to give testimony of the gifts He was harvesting in me.  So I stood at the front, and gave a very brief version of what I have written above, that I was starting to cope with work which I hadn’t been doing for so long, but that I was seeking prayer for the attacks and situations I was not yet on top of.  The church prayed for me there and then.  I still feel so blessed to have been able to share.  Indeed, there were two special people who fitted into the story who weren’t there, so I got a copy of the recording and sent it to them, so they too could share in what the Lord has been doing.  And I know many were blessed through the words I was given.

This was another big turning point.  I coped with the Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday, and Thursday…  A friend had asked me if I would take her to Connected, sensing how special that had been for me, and sensing she needed a God focus during the week too.  But I had just got through 4 days – and was aiming at a full set of 5.  Connected was in prayer that night – this was the week I needed to start talking to people there and not being that person who did the sound last week.  I figured the worst case was I’d be able to sit in prayer on my own and just have space with the Lord.  I had come so far, but had the hardest bit to go – that fifth day…

As it was, I was uplifted.  Some of the prayer focusses were just where I’d come from, so I gave thanks and focussed on the going forwards and praying for others.  I got through the necessary barriers.  On the Friday, I finally made it 5 whole days, and thus a whole week at work coping.  My goodness the attacks came, but I fought each and every one away, and went home in tears.  Actually, I didn’t go straight home.  I plastered Facebook with a celebration, and then went to see Grandma.  So many times I have turned up on her doorstep in floods of tears – that night was no exception, but the tears were relief and excitement – happy tears.  My uncle was with her, and we sat and talked and shared for about an hour.

That evening I spent all evening replying to messages of love and support that had come in on my Facebook, and sharing this huge achievement with people, and sharing ministry, prayers and testimony.  By the end of the weekend, I had people I’ve not seen for a long time wanting to meet up and catch up, people asking for prayer, and just generally feeling so blessed.  At church, I was bouncing around the place again, sharing with those I’d not been able to message.  People were saying how blessed they had been with my testimony the previous week, and how called to pray they had been.  Then I was able to tell them I had coped with the whole week – looking back – for the first time for at least 18 months.  Tears of emotion and joy were shed.

The next week, I again coped with the whole week.  At Connected, I proved that my ministry through sound was not a one off – again the Lord blessed the whole evening.  We had a speaker, as he spoke of his testimony, I felt the Lord saying to me “that’s you, that’s you” – everything he gave of the Lord was totally what I have been receiving.  When he finished, he said there was someone else with a testimony to give – that was me.  I gave the short version of this once again, to a group of people who mostly didn’t even know my name was Daniel.  The moment was perfect, my words from the Lord, and it really broke the ice at Connected.

I had a first train trip that weekend for some time, and for the first time in a long time, actually felt I was having a day away without needing to get away, without feeling I was running away, without feeling under pressure to need to relax in that one day, and probably never doing so as has happened so many times.  Instead, I sat on a train for many hours, chatting with the two friends I was with, watching the world go by, listening to the train, and praying.  That morning, I had automatically put my holding cross in my pocket.  I thought nothing of it until I started getting messages to my phone during probably the most expectant part of the journey.  To the noise of the loco pulling the train up a 1 in 36 incline, I was sat there sharing messages with two friends who were, entirely separately, struggling.  They had chosen me to talk to, to share with, and I prayed with and for them.  I got so emotional, I had to go in the toilet and let the emotion go and pray quietly for them.  The whole experience was a huge reminder that God is everywhere, all of the time.  It is an honour to pray and share with people, especially when they trust me.  In truth, I cannot think of another time like this.  I pray it won’t be the last.

As I write at the end of week three, I have again coped every day.  THREE WEEKS!  Some people may think I’m excited about nothing, but from where I’ve come from, this is HUGE!  At Connected, I was able to be part of a bible study and discussion without completely freezing through discomfort or not understanding.  At the end of the evening, the prayer I was given to share silenced the whole room.

The next evening I was again on tour with the Connected Band – and as before, the Lord granted us perfection in our worship.  I had a brand new sound mixing desk, and had absolutely no problem finding my way with a new, blank canvas.

On the Saturday, I went to the railway station to watch trains.  Nothing unusual in that at all, but I held conversation with one man for nearly four hours!  Then turned to the Lord, and said “what next?”  Another friend came along.  Indeed, one of those I was on the trip with the previous weekend.  He noted how much more relaxed I was.  He knows the Lord, and has had plenty of battles himself, but we talked about God, our faith and shared testimony for some time – I’ve known him quite a while now, but it was the first time we have shared together in the Lord.

When he left, I found myself waiting for a train that was 40 minutes late.  I figured that I’d been there for many hours, and so another 40 minutes wouldn’t make much difference, and I had no reason to be anywhere else.  Then came a friend I’ve not seen for several months.  We got talking, and it turned out a member of his family is being diagnosed with Autism.  I was able to share some of my experiences and offer him some advice from things I’ve seen and faced as someone with autism.  Eventually, I went home satisfied and in peace that the Lord had kept me there to share with all of these people.

Church the next day was a bit different – we were celebrating the work of CAP (Christians Against Poverty) – which our church is a Debt Centre.  I was troubled by the lunch that was to follow, and all the time where I was supposed to be chatting and socialising.  I sat there praying the Lord had some purpose for me being there.  And the Lord did have a purpose.  By the end of the intercessory prayers, the church had prayed for CAP generally and those being reached by CAP, but not those in the church carrying out the CAP work and ministry.  The Lord stood me up, and stopped the final blessing which was about to be given.  I walked to the front, and called the church to pray for those involved in the CAP work.  I invited those involved to the front to be prayed for, and led that prayer from the front.

After the service, and during lunch, I was talking with a lot of people.  I shared more parts of the testimony written here over lunch.  I lost count of the amount of people who had been touched by my calling to pray for people during the service – there were so many.  I knew again why the Lord had called me.

And so life with the Lord goes on…

But it’s not the whole story.  Work particularly hasn’t been easy.  I’m not lost that I’m waiting on the Lord for the right door to open to let me go from where I am.  The right opportunity, the right time, the right person?  I’m feeling my life has a long way to change yet, and the journey has just begun.

What I do know, and am so thankful for, is the small army of friends who are praying, have been there, are supporting me.  That army has grown over the last few weeks.  I have new friends, old friends and one special best friend – King Jesus.  He’s in charge now.  I’m determined not to let go this time.

I found my holding cross – buried in my bedroom, and now it sits in my pocket.  When I get attacked, I grab hold and give it straight to the Lord.  I’m not waiting for Sunday, or tonight, I do it now.  That’s been a huge difference.  I’m sharing with friends who share back, which is huge.  I’ve had so many one way friendships, that it’s so amazing I can’t describe to have real friends, sent by the Lord to look after me, and know that I am sharing with them too, and looking after them.  There may be only a couple of really close friends, but that’s enough.  Those friendships are growing.  Where we’ve hit a wobble, we’ve dealt with out and brought our friendship back to the Lord, and He’s healed it.

Although I still feel alone physically, emotionally I feel so strong.  I am fighting the attacks so much better and quicker.  No longer are things getting me down for days.  The attacks still come, both physically and emotionally; it’s just me dealing with them so much better.

And now I go forwards, building friendships, moving closer to the Lord, feeling confident to take the opportunities to share with people, accept the invites of people wanting to catch up for example, and knowing I am in the right place with King Jesus.  The difference in me is huge.  I fight with the armour of the Lord protecting me, and with the sword of His Holy Spirit extended to deal with the attacks that come my way.

People are telling me I’ve changed – I am still changing.  People are telling me I’m “on form”.  People are telling me how I am blessing them – the Lord is blessing You through what He gives to me.  People are responding to my words, my prayers, the things I share on social media, they are asking for prayer, they are opening up to me and to the Lord, and the Lord is giving me words and prayers to pray for and with people.  And the most beautiful image I have is of one friend having been totally immersed in the Lord’s peace, let me pray with them, and seeing the peace flow through them whilst I was praying, and knowing they were totally with the Lord at that moment, and they knew it and acknowledged it.

People keep telling me I have a ministry in prayer.  I am not sure where the Lord is taking me in this ministry – but I know He is taking me somewhere.  I feel like I’m only at the start of exploring what the Lord is calling me to do through prayer.  Being asked to pray for someone is special – so many of my friendships have only been one way – they haven’t felt able to share back with me.  These last few weeks, prayers have been moving both ways.  It’s even more special when friends ask to meet up, and more so still when we do meet up.  For me who so often sits here alone, it’s like a dream to break all the life barriers down and sit with someone – talk, pray, share…  I’ve had a couple of opportunities now, but I’ve struggled when those opportunities aren’t there.  I feel I’m limited at the moment.  I don’t feel I’m maximising the call the Lord has given me, and I’m not seeing where or how to develop the situations.  I pray the Lord will give me vision for where to go next.

Going forwards, every day continues to be a battle.  As I’m having more bits of conversation, I get frustrated when they so often frizzle out.  I’m still misunderstanding what people are saying daily.  I know I feel lonely at some point every day.  It’s sometimes worse when a time of sharing or opportunity passes – and I realise my day to day situation is just me.  I find it difficult if I realise I won’t be able to see someone who has stood out for a long period of time, or if I have to miss something I want to be a part of because other commitments place me elsewhere.  I don’t get many opportunities to break out of the place I spend most of my time.  I don’t get many options to actually meet with friends.  When they come, they are so special, but when they aren’t there, I miss them so much.  I know I push my friends.  I know I push on them because I have relatively so few.  I always want more of their time than they do of mine.  It’s one thing I find hard to deal with, as so often it feels like friends don’t want me, or only want me when I fit in.  So often, I don’t fit in, or I can’t cope with the bigger groups of people, or I just don’t see how the big exciting things fit.  Someone asked me the other week what my ideal weekend would be, and I said “sitting on the sofa with that special person and being totally at one with them – feeling able to be physical and emotional together – I just dream of being able to share all of my life with someone, and have someone feel the same about me.”

Well – actually, I have the Lord.  I share my life with Him.  He is with me all of the time.  He holds my hand, He sends light to fill my darkness, He guides me through my battles, and we come together in great strength, love, peace and power to fight every moment.

In these last weeks, my life has changed.  The Lord is sharing words, prayers and encouragement through me, He has called me to ministry through prayer and sound, He has blessed me with new and old friends, people to talk to, opportunities to do new things I have never done before, amazing images of people touched by His work in me, and so much more…  There is so much more than I have been able to share in this post.

I pray you have been touched as you have read this, as I have many times as these events have taken place, and again putting them into words to share.  I pray for you if you don’t know the Lord, that you will see He is real, and how He has been working in my life.  Please feel free to leave a comment of how you have related to this, or perhaps put a message of encouragement for others too?  Perhaps this has called you to write about what is going on in Your life?

I pray for what comes next, and I pray for those called to be my friends, and to be a part of my journey, that the Lord will continue to bless us, and build our friendships, and develop our journey, and we will be open to His calling.

All thanks, praise and glory in this testimony is solely to King Jesus.  Amen.