It’s been 6
months since I last wrote, and not through not wanting to – more being able to
control my mind into doing something other than composing a big rant or
screaming at the scenery at times. I’ve
had a really difficult time following on from a difficult 2016, which I
detailed in my last post. Many of the
things that were dragging around in 2016 have come to an end, without any
replacements having been found. Many of
the doors that were ajar have been slammed shut, some after a considerable time
of maybe – whilst others remain ajar as I wait for people to be honest about situations
which may or may not ever have existed.
It’s very
difficult to know where to start – I have the feeling that some people who may
read this will not agree with the way I see things – but this is how I see
things, and how it has left me. My
social life has had a severe battering in 2017.
I started off being part of a model railway group which had a lot of
difficult people, some difficult times and some moments I just didn’t cope with
in 2016. I had a group of friends I
would speak with several times per week, or at least with individuals from that
group several times per week. And there
were the one off, specific events at various points during the year. Fast forward to the middle of 2017, and most
of this has ceased, not through my choice.
The model railway
club I rejoined in 2015/16 following the illness and subsequent death of my
best friend chose to give me very little support in the various ongoing issues,
and it came to a point before Easter where I was given no place within the
group. I have mentioned several issues
of individuals disliking me, several issues of discrimination took place
against me and others in the past, which were just brushed under the carpet by
those running the group. This carried on
right to the end, and as I understand it, beyond my involvement.
Shortly before
Easter, with the Annual General Meeting coming up, several issues would have to
have been discussed relating to these matters, and several people made it clear
that I was causing issues by bringing things up, and by continuing to attend. My place was taken away, my roles were taken
away, and so one Monday evening, I found myself at the local railway station
for a few hours instead of at the model railway group because my place had been
taken away. It was an evening where none
of the people I got on with were there, and the last remaining support in what
I was doing there disappeared. When
several people turned on me that night, I had no choice but to end that there.
In the weeks
that have followed, I tried to speak with people I thought I could trust there,
but they have been completely uninterested in talking to me, and they continue
not to have replied to me. I don’t miss
being there, but I do miss the good friendships now destroyed by what happened,
and no longer being able to see people I considered my friends. But, even they haven’t been interested in
talking to me about what happened, or indeed about anything else.
That night, I
turned to another group of people I thought were my friends, as I waited for my
lift home. As mentioned in my last post,
I had become a part of testing railway signalling simulations again in 2016,
and thought I was a part of one of the social groups related to that. That Monday evening, I managed to find the
right individuals to help me deal with that very raw situation. However, like the model railway club, it wasn’t
to last. Like the model railway club, it
looks to me like individuals took exception to me, and in this case, one
evicted me from the group. All I was
given was “Enough is enough”.
There had
been various issues involving the activities we did as a group with people
outside or on the fringes of the group, surrounding the inclusion of everyone
(often I was one in the difficult place, but it wasn’t just me). It had become apparent to me that I was being
kept away from some discussions and some activities, and with the lack of
contact from anyone, including those I thought I had strong friendships with
has led me to believe I was being led into some rather false and fake
friendships. At least I know that now in
some cases – in other cases, I believe we have been forced apart.
That all
happened on the Friday evening. I spent
the next two weeks really struggling, as I literally had nothing to do. I can’t remember how many times I just wanted
someone to phone me, talk to me, and want to actually know I existed. I lost count of how many nights I went to bed
not wanting to wake up in the morning, and then finding I never actually slept
to wake up from. I lost the ability to
talk to people at will, without having to specially arrange something, without
others being in the way, and without it being forced to fit around a specific
activity. Nothing has replaced that
since, and I am nowhere close to seeing an alternative.
As I
mentioned earlier, the group is primarily for the development and testing of
railway signalling simulations. I was
still in contact with one person I worked with who wasn’t specifically part of
the group who evicted me. I felt like on
that Sunday evening, like I had to force that person to talk to me, so I could
try to clear my system somewhat. We had
a conversation, but since then, contact has dried up, and I really don’t know
where I stand. I can’t do anything in
this area by myself – I cannot work on any project without someone giving me it
to work on. I always have been totally
reliant on others to allow me to be a part of these groups and projects, and
right now, I have nothing. Nothing to do
to help me keep occupied, keep my mind from all the horrible things going on,
or to allow me any social interaction. I
sit here waiting to find out if I have a place left at all, or not, or if I
will just be ignored.
2017 has seen
so few specific things in my diary. The
groups I am no longer a part of have left big holes which I cannot fill with
nothing and nobody. The group I have met
up with several times watching trains with over many years no longer welcomes me, and so I simply haven’t
had any trips to places away watching trains this year. Indeed, I have only had 1 day off work in 6
months, and don’t have anything else booked.
I don’t see how taking time off to be alone in my world has any benefit
to me. My parents complain when I take
time off, and it’s made a hassle to me to take time off, so without anything to
take that time off to do, there is no point.
I’m stuck doing the same things, filling my day getting wound up and
upset, with no way out.
The work
situation has not changed. I am still
the ‘scape goat, issues are blamed on me, and I am repeatedly seen as the
problem. Yet I cannot get out. I have applied for a lot of jobs this year
(over 100), some targeted and some not.
I have had 3 interviews, plus two more cancelled due to administrative
errors on the part of the people interviewing me. Nothing has got me any further towards a
change – going through the system just brings on more hassle, aggravation,
stress and leaves me feeling completely rejected. I can’t carry on being subjected to what I am
every day, then coming home to a big black hole of nothing now that I have been
rejected by the social groups and activities I was doing, and then just being
expected to plough on the next day. I
regularly don’t sleep properly at night, then fall asleep mid-evening and not
sleep the next night, or feel absolutely shattered by mid-afternoon when the
sleep loss catches up with me.
I’m finding
it so difficult to balance what I can cope with against what is being expected of
me. I’m struggling to maintain the
working relationships I have with individuals and companies who are so “on/off”
with me. I find I can do something, and
then ask for the information I need, and they won’t give it to me, so I can’t
do what’s being asked. I find people
allow me to be a part of something for a period, and then just ignore me for a
couple of weeks, and then it starts again like nothing’s happened. It’s hard trying to find where I stand. In some cases, we talk about a job. I have some really meaningful conversations,
but in the industry I’m in, it seems to be normal and acceptable to just spit
people out at the key moment. In one
case, it lasted nearly six months of “if” and “maybe” and supposedly talking to
others before a “no” came. With another
company, I applied for the job I was told to, and then was completely rejected
and told I wasn’t an appropriate person.
In another case, it wasn’t what I could do, it was what I couldn’t do
that stopped the conversations. No
company wants to fill the gap and teach me the missing things I need to be able
to do. Nobody wants to see me for who I am,
and allow me to access a better place, one I can start coping with.
I don’t get
through a day at the moment without getting angry and/or upset. I don’t get through a week without at least
one sleepless night. But for the big
world, I can’t prove I can do something I don’t know, I can’t prove I can cope,
and I can’t prove I can fill the gap. I
can prove what I can do, I can try to work with people on a level basis, but
find that people and companies think they are above a little person working for
a little company.
Repeat over
and over again, and I just fall apart. It’s
either anger or crying my eyes out – sometimes many times per day. The problem now is I’ve lost the social
interaction to help me get away from the day job. I spend so much time to myself now when
nobody wants to know me. I’ve lost the
confidence to start a conversation with people now, because so many people I
once saw as friends now ignore me, or have betrayed me, or turned against
me. Over the years, I get odd
conversations with people, and then occasionally the odd conversation will
spread into a series of conversations.
But over years, they never seem to last.
The moments fade away, someone or something else takes over their world,
something changes, and I’m left here, on my own. It just doesn’t come out of my system – in the
evening, at the weekend, when I’m doing something else entirely – it’s all
there in the back of my mind. I don’t
escape anymore.
I sit here
waiting for the moment, the person, the circumstance that will allow me to be a
part of something I can cope with. A
friend, a group, an activity, a job?
Some big or small thing that will change my life, give me confidence,
allow me to become me again, instead of being stuck in this swirling
spiral. Right now, without something
changing, I’m going nowhere.
What have I
got left? A job that is not working
out. Add to the above the talk of what
happens when my parents retire. For me,
there’s no way I can carry on their business – aside from the lack of remaining
staff, lease on the premises and changing industry, I would change now. The world won’t accept me though. Nobody will take a chance that I might be
able to be a part of their group, help fill their hole or do something better
with them.
I’ve got church. But, one I have to be so careful in who I
talk to, who I can trust, what I am allowed to do. I’ve gone into specifics in previous posts –
the situation doesn’t change. There are
people there who think they are above me.
There are people there who try to wade into my world. There are people there who tell me it’s “tough”
that I have issues. I see signs of how
things might get better, but signs again of what’s happened in other groups and
being shown the door.
I’ve got my
own world around my computer, and my railway group to run. That’s not easy. I’m always feeling like I’m different to
everyone else – that my level is higher, and that I put in a lot more than I
get out. There are politics which
frequently annoy me. Indeed, I have the
feeling that despite having over 1,000 members and despite being a very active
regional railway group, the group cannot move forwards, and indeed I cannot see
how the group goes forwards. It’s stuck
where it is, and I feel like I’m one step away from stepping away. I really don’t know where to take it, but I
really feel on my own with this great thing which I don’t have control of. Time will tell if once incident pushes me
over the edge as nearly happened earlier in the year, or if the group muddles
along for a bit longer.
And I’ve got
lots of ifs, buts and maybes. Can I find
a job I can cope with and will allow me space to establish my own self? Can I find individuals and/or a group of
friends who I really can get on with, where there is no false stuff going on,
and will last for years to come, and not just be occasional? Can I find people who want to know me, want
to talk to me, and indeed enough people that I’m not a burden when I need help
and they are one of such a few people I can go to that I go to them every
time? Can I find ways to deal with my
daily situation? Ways to get away from
what causes me such difficulties?
I search for
a way out, and a better way to allow me to cope, and thrive. I feel like I am reliant on someone giving me
a fair chance, not messing me about, not looking at what I cannot do, but
working with me to use what I can do, teaching me new things I need to be able
to do, and moving forwards better and stronger.
I’ve been searching for many years, and I continue to search for my
opportunity. I fear the world will just
continue to reject me for all the reasons that I don’t fit, instead of finding
the places I do fit, and allowing me to work on the fringes where I might not
quite fit.
I find no
other way to end this but to simply pray:
Lord – HELP ME!
