What do I do next?

The end of another year, and I seem to be in much the same place, and facing many of the same issues as at the start of the year.  Christmas is, apparently, a time to be happy, spend time with friends and family, and celebrate.  Well, for me, it’s the same family I spend most other days in the year with.  There might be one larger gathering, but that’s one day, not several days, weeks or months that Christmas seems to go on for these days.  Friends are still somewhat scares for me.  I tried this year, thought I’d got somewhere, taken steps forwards, but now it’s all fallen apart again, I just don’t know what to do next.

Where shall I start?  Well, I guess with work.  It’s much the same as always really – some days are quiet, others are full of hassle.  I cope with one or two things, but when lots of things come at me at once, I just shut down, and try to deflect what I know I can’t cope with onto others.  Then, they just add to the things I can’t cope with, and so it spirals into a horrible, intolerable mess which drags on and on and on.  With no sign of a way out, I have little choice but to carry on.  Whilst five days of most weeks are full of this, there’s only so much more I can take of things which don’t take me away from work.

In amongst all the darkness, was one thing I have managed to conquer so far.  Indeed, it’s one of the few things that’s giving me any sense of satisfaction at the moment.  I have managed a return to the model railway club which, at the beginning of the year, gave me little option but to leave.  Whilst the issues directly involved, and the people involved have quietened down, not everything has been dealt with, and I received no apology from those directly involved.  I said I would try things, and some eight weeks on, I’m still there, still going, and forming an active part of the growing operations team.  Some of the issues I faced have been eased, and since my input is directly making a difference, I am getting some satisfaction from that, be it only once per week, and in between the walking on eggshells around one or two people, and certain issues and conversation points.  It worries me that the past will come back to be difficult at some point, probably, just when I think I’m doing OK and getting somewhere, like other things have.

I move onto the thing which has perhaps dominated the last couple of months, and indeed, the thing which has confused and upset me the most.  Yet again, life in a church has turned impossible.  At the beginning of the year, I had to leave a church, and friends I’d made in that church, and move on.  It became apparent that I’d had my time there, and that I was being seen as a problem.  I was ignored by those in charge, until they had to take notice, having left no time to want to look into things properly, and so I was seen as the problem, and it left me no place.

Almost immediately, I fell into a hole in another church.  At the time, it was just another glimpse of something.  I then tried what I knew, or rather the church I knew from before.  I’ve described what happened in a previous post, but in short, the door closed rather quickly once again.  So, I followed the sign and the glimpse of hope, which took me to where I worshipped for about five months.  I took a while for things to settle down, and for people to start realising quite what I could do, where I stood, and to build friendships and working relationships.  There were some gaps, and some difficult times, but by the autumn, we’d worked through most of the things, or so I thought.

I’d started to be able to have decent conversations with one or two people, and started having these outside of church too.  I’d settled into working the sound desk, and felt able to cover other techy things when I needed to.  I’d found some holes in things I could, given time, remedy.  I’d started to form a working relationship with the worship group, and we were working towards solving some of the things which came up as getting in the way.  Things weren't perfect, but the glimpses and hope were joining together, and things were moving forwards.

Then, during a period of time when a number of key people were “away” for various reasons, things became difficult.  For four weeks I managed to just about stay afloat, battle through all that fell around me, and became reliant on me.  I fought through it, and on the fourth week, even managed to do something practical to help someone who had become a friend.  I thought I’d had a really good two-way conversation, and I thought I was moving forwards, but, within a week, the whole lot crumbled away to nothing.  Not only were people ignoring me, but actually condemning me for what I was doing within the church.  The people I turned to for help were either “away,” simply ignored my pleas, or told me that there was nothing they could do.  Within that week, my life became church with work fitting in between.  I reckon I could have coped with work that week, had it not been for all the church stuff going on.  I really felt like I had nothing again.  I had little choice but to step aside from what I had agreed to take on, and a load more stuff which got landed on me.

And so it went on for weeks.  It destroyed the way I’d been coping with life, it destroyed most of the friendships I’d made, and people who had taken time to help me along, just disappeared one by one.  By the time someone actually approached me to talk to me, I really was just a wreck.  I was very lost, confused, and at times, emotional.  Six months of hard work all in pieces.  What do I do next?

I’ve felt, during the three discussions I’ve had about the matters so far, like I’m the odd one out, and like I’m treading on eggshells.  I’ve been told people don’t know how to understand me, and that people don’t feel able to talk to me in fear of upsetting me further.  It’s really hard when you think you’ve made friends, had conversations, and then just get cut off.  It feels now like I’m being humoured so it doesn’t look so bad from the outside – it feels pretty horrible from the inside.  Maybe I’m getting this wrong, but things just don’t add up.  I’ve been made promises to be given a chance to discuss things with everyone involved, been told I am welcome, been told that I’ve not upset anyone, or that anyone is upset with me.

Yet, only the people who have had to talk to me have done so, and still so many won’t talk to me.  It’s not without trying – even in saying Happy Christmas, I tried to start conversations, and in most cases, that’s as far as it got.  In only one case, did the conversation get past a third message.  I don’t understand where I stand yet, where I should be taking this, how I need to go about moving forwards, and just what’s gone wrong.  It’s clear that I’ve upset people, but I don’t understand why or how?  When people I thought I could trust, and thought I was making friends with go cold on me, it’s really hard.  I just don’t have another load of friends to move onto.  With this, and the combination of other losses of friends, the last couple of months has been a lonely place.  Yes, I see people, but not people I can talk to, not people I can trust, feel natural with, not have to watch what I’m saying.  I just want to be able to have friends like everyone else.  It hurts when I came so far, yet now, I’m so far away again.  And it’s harder still when it’s the Lord’s house, and the Lord’s people.  It really makes me wonder if I’m better without being in a church.

Away from those two big things, there have been one or two days out.  Opportunities for a temporary break from all the negative stuff going on.  When they’re there, it’s something to aim at.  The problem is, when there’re no one offs to aim at, it’s just the same cycle going round and round.  Then came Christmas.  The cycle just froze.  Any progress with anything has just stopped for 2 weeks, except my emotions keep going around and around.  I keep wanting to cry, and not managing it, or having to hide the emotions because the timing is inappropriate.  I keep having nightmares about work, nightmares about church, and just plain random nightmares about random stuff.  Even over Christmas, they’ve carried on.  The thing is, the issues are still there, unresolved.  The world may be on Christmas holidays, but I’m still here.  My mind still has all this stuff which I can’t get rid of.  What do I do next?

As I move into the new year, the problems around 2014 are still there.  There is no big thing about the new year for me, just like there isn’t about Christmas.  It’s just another day, and for me, another challenge.  When you fight just to cope every day, it soon tires you.  I pray for friends who really want to be friends, not who have to seem to be.  I pray for truth in what had gone on, and what people think.  And I pray for a way forwards, out of this mess, and out of this ongoing cycle which gets me down rather too often.

I do my best to cope – often not very well.  I try every day.  People will continue to ignore me, condemn me for being negative, or pretend to accept me.  The reality comes out in the end, and it’s really hard when I find out.  I just dream of the day where I can have a real friendship, and real two way conversation, and then not have that friendship fall to pieces.  I dream of a way out of having to tread on eggshells all the time.  I dream of a place where I can just be normal.  Until then – I am me.  You may see me as difficult, annoying, hurtful or negative.  I’m not trying to be any of those things.  I’m just trying to cope, be me, do the best I can, be realistic and tell it as it is, rather than hide behind things or say what people want to hear.  And, I want to be a friend to those who accept this.  Sadly, not many do accept this – some can’t understand me, some choose not to understand me, and some just don’t try.  For those who are real friends, I just ask you to keep praying for me, that I cope, that I understand, and that I find a way to deal with my situation.  And, if you can spare me time for a chat, a hug, or whatever it is that friends do together, than that would be a welcome surprise.  But please, only if it’s real.

Lord – what do I do next?