The
end of another year, and I seem to be in much the same place, and facing many
of the same issues as at the start of the year.
Christmas is, apparently, a time to be happy, spend time with friends
and family, and celebrate. Well, for me,
it’s the same family I spend most other days in the year with. There might be one larger gathering, but
that’s one day, not several days, weeks or months that Christmas seems to go on
for these days. Friends are still
somewhat scares for me. I tried this
year, thought I’d got somewhere, taken steps forwards, but now it’s all fallen
apart again, I just don’t know what to do next.
Where
shall I start? Well, I guess with
work. It’s much the same as always
really – some days are quiet, others are full of hassle. I cope with one or two things, but when lots
of things come at me at once, I just shut down, and try to deflect what I know
I can’t cope with onto others. Then,
they just add to the things I can’t cope with, and so it spirals into a
horrible, intolerable mess which drags on and on and on. With no sign of a way out, I have little
choice but to carry on. Whilst five days
of most weeks are full of this, there’s only so much more I can take of things
which don’t take me away from work.
In
amongst all the darkness, was one thing I have managed to conquer so far. Indeed, it’s one of the few things that’s
giving me any sense of satisfaction at the moment. I have managed a return to the model railway
club which, at the beginning of the year, gave me little option but to
leave. Whilst the issues directly
involved, and the people involved have quietened down, not everything has been
dealt with, and I received no apology from those directly involved. I said I would try things, and some eight
weeks on, I’m still there, still going, and forming an active part of the
growing operations team. Some of the
issues I faced have been eased, and since my input is directly making a
difference, I am getting some satisfaction from that, be it only once per week,
and in between the walking on eggshells around one or two people, and certain
issues and conversation points. It
worries me that the past will come back to be difficult at some point, probably,
just when I think I’m doing OK and getting somewhere, like other things have.
I
move onto the thing which has perhaps dominated the last couple of months, and
indeed, the thing which has confused and upset me the most. Yet again, life in a church has turned
impossible. At the beginning of the year,
I had to leave a church, and friends I’d made in that church, and move on. It became apparent that I’d had my time
there, and that I was being seen as a problem.
I was ignored by those in charge, until they had to take notice, having
left no time to want to look into things properly, and so I was seen as the
problem, and it left me no place.
Almost
immediately, I fell into a hole in another church. At the time, it was just another glimpse of
something. I then tried what I knew, or
rather the church I knew from before. I’ve
described what happened in a previous post, but in short, the door closed
rather quickly once again. So, I
followed the sign and the glimpse of hope, which took me to where I worshipped
for about five months. I took a while
for things to settle down, and for people to start realising quite what I could
do, where I stood, and to build friendships and working relationships. There were some gaps, and some difficult
times, but by the autumn, we’d worked through most of the things, or so I
thought.
I’d
started to be able to have decent conversations with one or two people, and
started having these outside of church too.
I’d settled into working the sound desk, and felt able to cover other
techy things when I needed to. I’d found
some holes in things I could, given time, remedy. I’d started to form a working relationship
with the worship group, and we were working towards solving some of the things
which came up as getting in the way.
Things weren't perfect, but the glimpses and hope were joining together,
and things were moving forwards.
Then,
during a period of time when a number of key people were “away” for various
reasons, things became difficult. For
four weeks I managed to just about stay afloat, battle through all that fell
around me, and became reliant on me. I
fought through it, and on the fourth week, even managed to do something practical
to help someone who had become a friend.
I thought I’d had a really good two-way conversation, and I thought I
was moving forwards, but, within a week, the whole lot crumbled away to
nothing. Not only were people ignoring
me, but actually condemning me for what I was doing within the church. The people I turned to for help were either “away,”
simply ignored my pleas, or told me that there was nothing they could do. Within that week, my life became church with
work fitting in between. I reckon I
could have coped with work that week, had it not been for all the church stuff
going on. I really felt like I had
nothing again. I had little choice but
to step aside from what I had agreed to take on, and a load more stuff which
got landed on me.
And
so it went on for weeks. It destroyed
the way I’d been coping with life, it destroyed most of the friendships I’d
made, and people who had taken time to help me along, just disappeared one by
one. By the time someone actually approached
me to talk to me, I really was just a wreck.
I was very lost, confused, and at times, emotional. Six months of hard work all in pieces. What do I do next?
I’ve
felt, during the three discussions I’ve had about the matters so far, like I’m
the odd one out, and like I’m treading on eggshells. I’ve been told people don’t know how to
understand me, and that people don’t feel able to talk to me in fear of
upsetting me further. It’s really hard
when you think you’ve made friends, had conversations, and then just get cut
off. It feels now like I’m being
humoured so it doesn’t look so bad from the outside – it feels pretty horrible
from the inside. Maybe I’m getting this
wrong, but things just don’t add up. I’ve
been made promises to be given a chance to discuss things with everyone
involved, been told I am welcome, been told that I’ve not upset anyone, or that
anyone is upset with me.
Yet,
only the people who have had to talk to me have done so, and still so many won’t
talk to me. It’s not without trying –
even in saying Happy Christmas, I tried to start conversations, and in most
cases, that’s as far as it got. In only
one case, did the conversation get past a third message. I don’t understand where I stand yet, where I
should be taking this, how I need to go about moving forwards, and just what’s
gone wrong. It’s clear that I’ve upset
people, but I don’t understand why or how?
When people I thought I could trust, and thought I was making friends
with go cold on me, it’s really hard. I
just don’t have another load of friends to move onto. With this, and the combination of other
losses of friends, the last couple of months has been a lonely place. Yes, I see people, but not people I can talk
to, not people I can trust, feel natural with, not have to watch what I’m
saying. I just want to be able to have friends
like everyone else. It hurts when I came
so far, yet now, I’m so far away again.
And it’s harder still when it’s the Lord’s house, and the Lord’s
people. It really makes me wonder if I’m
better without being in a church.
Away
from those two big things, there have been one or two days out. Opportunities for a temporary break from all
the negative stuff going on. When they’re
there, it’s something to aim at. The
problem is, when there’re no one offs to aim at, it’s just the same cycle going
round and round. Then came Christmas. The cycle just froze. Any progress with anything has just stopped
for 2 weeks, except my emotions keep going around and around. I keep wanting to cry, and not managing it, or
having to hide the emotions because the timing is inappropriate. I keep having nightmares about work,
nightmares about church, and just plain random nightmares about random
stuff. Even over Christmas, they’ve
carried on. The thing is, the issues are
still there, unresolved. The world may
be on Christmas holidays, but I’m still here.
My mind still has all this stuff which I can’t get rid of. What do I do next?
As
I move into the new year, the problems around 2014 are still there. There is no big thing about the new year for
me, just like there isn’t about Christmas.
It’s just another day, and for me, another challenge. When you fight just to cope every day, it
soon tires you. I pray for friends who
really want to be friends, not who have to seem to be. I pray for truth in what had gone on, and
what people think. And I pray for a way
forwards, out of this mess, and out of this ongoing cycle which gets me down
rather too often.
I
do my best to cope – often not very well.
I try every day. People will
continue to ignore me, condemn me for being negative, or pretend to accept
me. The reality comes out in the end,
and it’s really hard when I find out. I just
dream of the day where I can have a real friendship, and real two way conversation,
and then not have that friendship fall to pieces. I dream of a way out of having to tread on
eggshells all the time. I dream of a
place where I can just be normal. Until
then – I am me. You may see me as
difficult, annoying, hurtful or negative. I’m not trying to be any of those things. I’m just trying to cope, be me, do the best I
can, be realistic and tell it as it is, rather than hide behind things or say
what people want to hear. And, I want to
be a friend to those who accept this.
Sadly, not many do accept this – some can’t understand me, some choose
not to understand me, and some just don’t try.
For those who are real friends, I just ask you to keep praying for me,
that I cope, that I understand, and that I find a way to deal with my
situation. And, if you can spare me time for
a chat, a hug, or whatever it is that friends do together, than that would be a
welcome surprise. But please, only if it’s
real.
Lord
– what do I do next?
