The last few
months have been much the same story, a lot of hard work, a lot of tough times,
and not really any resolutions to any of the major problems. I still have a different way of understanding
the world. I still feel like I’m getting
the blame for all of the problems, and I still find even the simplest of social
situations nearly impossible. In 2014, I've now had 6 periods where I have just been in pieces, and been able to put
anything near to stable thoughts together.
I think negatively, and just struggle to see any hope. This last time has been the hardest, as I
feel I nearly lost my relationship with God again. When things at church fell apart on the
Sunday morning, and I was ill during the service as a result, it took me a week
to recover the situation, after already having had a week. For me, having my prayers reduced to nothing
more than “help me” for two weeks was the hardest thing.
As I sit
here, trying to rebuild, fight this illness, and try to move forwards, I find
myself going through cycles of falling back, trying to stabilise, and then
trying to move forwards without falling back again. As I said, I've had six major cycles of it
this year already, and really don’t want any more. I fear this won’t be the end, and I don’t
think I’m in charge of what I need to get out of the cycle and break free.
I suppose the
best thing to start with is work. Well,
the situation isn't really much different, aside from the extremes seem to have
been worse. I still struggle daily with
trying to do a job which I find challenging with missing bits of information,
and continually being blamed for anything negative, for making others upset and
angry, and various other things I can’t go into. If I go into a day determined to fight, then
I come out broken. If I ask for the
missing things, then I just get complaints that I’m being pedantic, or that it doesn't matter. I can’t explain things
to others (mostly customers) when things aren't explained to me. I can’t make decisions about things I don’t
understand. I can’t handle the difficult
situations that result from this. Yet,
whenever these come up, it’s my fault that I have to disturb someone else, or
persuade them to tell me what’s going on, or make a decision, and then me who
has to deal with the fall out of things that don’t happen.
Some of this
has always been there, but some of it is new, and worsening. I am told that I am doing less, yet the
stress and discomfort is more painful, and taking more time to try to deal
with. The hardest thing is when someone
asks “how are you?” – having to be professional and say I’m fine, when I’m
not. That’s even harder when it’s
someone I know, and harder still when it’s someone who knows perfectly well
that I’m not OK. Even when I try to pull
someone to one side, seemingly away from anyone else around, I get followed by
someone making sure I don’t say something I shouldn't.
The
purchasing side of my job continues to be a regular hassle. Having to deal with bigger companies who just
don’t want to make your life easy. What
should happen is you get a quote for something, they tell you when it’s
available for, you compare between two or three options, and choose the best
one. Sadly, if you believe the first
thing you are told, then you could be spending more than three times than you
should be for that product, all because the companies involved can’t be honest. I guess I’m in a lucky position to be able to
spot this quite easily, but then getting things corrected is pretty much
impossible. Whilst some of the local
staff bend over backwards to help, the support from their management away from
the local branch, is well, pretty much non-existent. I found out over the last couple of weeks
that my work with to try and resolve some of the issues has been ignored, and
that ideas to make positive changes have been rejected because I am the only
one with any issues – except I know that’s not the case from what others have
told me.
Basically, I’m
trapped between dealing with all of this, or paying a lot more money for things
from companies who may or may not be just the same. If I do that, then my wages get spent, and I
have no job. Whilst there are plenty of
issues going on, I do at least have a job, and so am earning enough money to
live on.
Unfortunately,
the situation over recent weeks has meant that I have, on a few occasions,
rather obviously not coped. On one
occasion, I’d asked in the morning about finishing early after an invite to
Derbyshire that afternoon. The request
was accepted, and then declined later on.
I have to say, I just went. I had
to take the opportunity at the time when things weren't going well. I've left a few times on time at the end of
the day, rather than waiting for everyone to finish off and lock up. Whilst it is not my responsibility to close
up, I constantly get reminded that it’s a “family business” and not a “9 to 5
job.” Likewise, I now keep away from
anything work related at weekends, which seems to upset others too. I need space from what’s giving me the
biggest problems, hassle, stress and upset, and it seems that some others don’t
understand this.
So, away from
work, my family relationships are fine, once work is out of the system, and as
long as it doesn't come back into the conversation. It’s horrible getting trapped into a
conversation which turns into work stuff, and not being able to escape it. I just don’t need reminding of things which aren't doing me any good at the moment.
I have to say, that a lot of my evenings and weekends have become a
lonely establishment. Events of the
summer have somewhat made this situation much worse.
We had a
period of intense heat for nearly 3 weeks, which combined with the above
stresses at work, made me quite ill with headaches, dizziness, a complete lack
of energy at times, and I wasn't sleeping at all well. Particularly during the week, pretty much all
the things to do that happened sometimes stopped, and I was left with one
thing. As I've mentioned before, I've been testing a series of railway signalling simulations for around 3 years, with varying success, but things haven’t been as good and easy for a while
now. As I became ill, I wasn't able to
concentrate on as much testing. Some
days, I would crash in bed as soon as I got home, get up to have dinner, and
crash in bed again for the rest of the evening.
Whilst this wasn't popular with some people at home, it was sometimes
all I could manage.
For around
two years, I’d been part of a group of people who would, most evenings, chat on
a chat server, sometimes test these simulations, or discuss them, sometimes do
completely other things, and sometimes just chat. It became a difficult place to be, and I was
accused of various things over a period of time, which resulted in me being
made a point of, and being told that I was no longer welcome. Aside from that, testing had become
increasingly difficult because people have stopped communicating with me, and
keeping me in the loop of developments.
These two things put together have meant I am basically not testing at
the moment, and given the amount of grief and hassle, am considering my options
as to whether to formally leave that community.
Given I've been asking to talk to people involved since May (it’s now
the end of September), I can only assume that the organisation or individuals I
work with are no longer wanting my help.
As with other things from previous posts, I feel I may have little
option but to walk away, given things have become so distant anyway.
The problem
then, is filling the hole. I don’t have another
activity to do, another group of friends to turn to. I have a choice – the TV, or not a lot. Generally, it’s been the latter – I've not watched much on TV for a long time, and there’s not much to grab my
attention. The hardest thing has to
suddenly be on my own, with everything that’s in my head, still stuck in my
head. It didn't happen all the time, but
those occasions where I could talk to someone, and clear my head. Now, that’s not an option, and I struggle to
clear my head.
Unfortunately,
it makes me appear very negatively when anything I say is negative. Whilst a handful of people, to whom I am very
grateful, give time to send positive and helpful messages, and I know some
friends pray for me too, there are others who send me negative comments, or
have been talking about me negatively behind my back. This may sound wrong, but it’s not the same
as having an open opportunity to talk, without distraction, about the things in
my head at that time, to share with someone who really does care. I've said it before, but to me, those moments
are rare, but moments I miss not having.
The two or
three people I could talk to regularly, before things changed, have been lost
to me, because the easy facility to chat has been taken away. So, I try different things, different people,
different groups, and different situations.
I’m trying to take the random conversations with people, and make them
more regular. I’m trying to take up the
offers people have made me, with varying levels of frustration. It seems that some made offers, which, when I
approach them for a chat, they just ignore me.
Some of the conversations are still quite random. I've tried to arrange things with people, but
they seem not to be happening for whatever reason – usually clashes of other
things going on. It’s hard when I have
so little going on, even to fill something in the week to get me to the next
thing.
Even church hasn't been easy. It’s really hard
trying to break into things, and find out what’s going on, what I can be a part
of, and who I need to talk to about it.
After a frustratingly long summer, I’m hoping that after finally finding
some right people, that I've found a group I can start becoming a part of, and
something fairly regular too. I know
that joining an already established group will be difficult, and the first
couple of weeks have been mixed. I’m
hoping that once the whole group is back together, and some regularity
established, that this will help me get a grip on what really goes on, whether
I can cope, and hopefully be a part of it.
Aside from
that, other things within church seem to be quite irregular, from week to
week. It’s hard when it’s one of the
only things I have where I meet with other people outside of work, and yet has
been a source of frustration when put together with everything else. I can see potential, but I don’t seem to be
able to unlock that potential yet. It’s
so hard for me to break into a conversation, and yet so frustrating to stand around
wanting to be a part of a conversation.
I’m finding I can have short one to one conversations, but I’m
struggling to take that into established groups. I tried a social occasion, and it just didn't work out, so I put that down to it not being the right time. I've tried to explain how things could be
more open and accessible to help me with my role, but as yet, things are still
the same. I feel a bit like I’m doing
what I’m being asked and called to do with my hands tied behind my back. When I’m given the time and freedom to get to
understand what’s going on, it’s really good.
There have been times when it’s been really difficult though.
Like so many
situations, it’s not one single thing which causes me to not cope – it’s when
many things collide with me at once.
Unfortunately, finding ways of getting things out of my head has been
quite impossible at times, and there have been times where I have imploded, and
even worse, exploded on one occasion resulting in damage to a door. The only good thing about that a family
member was at their door to calm me down afterwards. The problem with emotions for me is
understanding exactly what’s there, and then dealing with them both there and
then, and in the longer term. Over the
summer, it’s led to a prolonged period of stress related symptoms, which had
physical effects on me. At times, I
would react to any little issue, as did my body on one or two occasions,
leaving me stuck on the toilet for longer than I would like to have been. It’s also meant that I've not slept right through the night for over three months now.
I can’t pinpoint why, but 4 to 5 hours at once seems to be my maximum,
and then disturbed patches of sleep after that.
If I’m wound up, then I seem to be worse. After so long, I’m getting used to it, but
feeling so tired when things are bad just makes me weaker to handle what’s getting
thrown at me, and more negative about what hasn't actually happened. It’s this that I’m struggling to deal with at
the moment.
When I have
nothing going on, I can’t distract my mind.
For a long time, I've struggled to hide things and focus on other
things. When negative things go on, my
mind goes straight back to all of this, and sometimes I can spend several hours
getting into a better frame of mind, to have that time wasted by a short,
simple action or conversation change. To
be honest, I’m struggling to work out what I can do to make things better, and
put myself in a better place. I feel
that I need a new job, to allow me to be my own person, and to be able to work
on the strengths I have, in a free environment which is separate to the rest of
my life. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to
find this opportunity – whatever I've tried has so far been rejected and full
of difficult scenarios and frustrations.
Some people have
suggested various things, from taking a holiday to moving out of home, to
getting a girlfriend. Well, taking a
holiday just means I have to come back to what I've left behind. Having two days off is as close as I've got,
and it’s becoming more and more hassle to have time away, and even then,
getting my mind away from what I have to come back to has been really
tough. As for moving out, those few who
really understand me realise that the problem isn't there. Aside from the financial impact, being around
even less people seems to be a backward step, and I’m scared that I’d be even
further away from making progress than I am now. As for a girlfriend, well, I shall talk about
having a best friend instead, as that’s perhaps slightly closer to what I keep
wishing I had. I don’t know whether it’s
a single one person, or a group of people, but for me, close friends are quite
elusive and rare. I can’t just go up to
someone and say “I want to be best friends with you”. Let’s be honest, some people given a chance
to read this will just ignore it.
I just want
the opportunity to have someone or a group of people who I can just naturally interact
with, without any barriers or it feeling hopelessly awkward to arrange pretty
much any opportunity to share things. I
dream of a peaceful place, to just be laying down, with a best friend at my
side, and just being at peace. There’s
something about meeting with someone that’s quite different to messaging
online, something better, something peaceful.
Being at peace that I am free of the torment of life at the moment, and
knowing I am coping once again. I find
peace hard to come by at the moment. I
find friendships hard to realise their potential, and there are too many
awkward things getting in the way of the little signs of hope. I don’t really understand how to deal with
them – I just keep praying for the right opportunities with the handful of
people who do give me their time and thoughts, and encouragement. And occasionally, I can give them something
back. Like a real friendship, equal between
friends. Peace. Love.
A hug or two. Somewhere out there…
Lord, hold me
in this moment of peace.
Somewhere out
there, are friends who are as equal to me, as I am to them, friends who love me just as I love them, friends who can encourage me, just as I can
encourage them, friends who I can share
with, just as they can share with me.
Lord, break down the awkwardness and the barriers between me and those
people who I can gain trust in, those special people who won’t walk away, who
won’t forget about me when I move on when other things don’t work out.
Lord, help me discover who my friends really
are, and what we can work on, and discover together. Thank you, that we already have a best friend
– Jesus. Thank you that He’s already
died, died to take away my pain, died to save me from this torment, and
together, we can fight this battle, come closer, and pick up those close
friends along the walk of life.
Amen.
