So far in
2014, I seem to have been in and out of holes in my life. I think I’ve had 3 cycles of this now, where
I’ve had periods of really struggling, and just when I think I’ve pulled
through, it hits me again, and I struggle.
Each hole seems to be deeper than the last one somehow – maybe because
so many of the things which make me feel so bad aren’t actually getting dealt
with – they’re just hiding for a while, or I am handling them when everything
doesn’t happen at once.
So – where to
start? I guess I’d better get the
biggest thing out of the way first, and that’s work. As I’ve said before, work is hard enough at
the best of time, but with recent staff shortages on top of everything else,
it’s come down to me to be at fault for everything that goes on. It seems to be OK for everyone to blame me,
but I can’t blame them, otherwise I’m in the wrong. I’m not allowed to get angry, but people are
perfectly OK to get angry at me. I’m not
allowed to be upset, because it’s unprofessional. So, I go home upset, and then I can’t be
upset there either, because there’s nothing I should be upset about. And so the whole cycle builds up and builds
up, with no room to release anything.
It seems that
it’s OK when I get by-passed in my job, but not OK that I should need to know
what’s gone on when I’ve been cut out. I
continue to get little respect for needing time to do my job – either that
others promise things before I can do my part of the work, or that the parts
I’m buying should already have arrived.
I’m under pressure constantly over why parts aren’t arriving, yet they
know it’s out of my control. I try to
address where shortfalls in parts supply occurs, but suppliers just seem
uninterested in listening, let alone dealing with issues. It’s become clear that I’m seen as a hassle,
and indeed one supplier admitted they have a problem dealing with me.
With those
companies who I do have any form of working relationship with, it seems too
often that’s it’s only with some of the people it should be, either because
some people find me difficult or won’t deal with me, or because the way things
work necessitates the need to always deal with the people who understand how to
best make the situation work, or maybe more those who are allowed to make the
situation work. Then, I have to work out
whether or not I’m being told the truth, and whether or not they are being fair
and realistic. Easier said than
done. Too many times now, I’ve found out
down the line that companies haven’t been honest, or I’ve been stabbed in the
back. Sadly, it seems to be the way of
the motor factor business, that not one company can offer a truthful service
without ripping the customers off. Some
of the things I’ve found out recently are very worrying, yet I am still trying
to find people to discuss these matters with from the companies involved,
mainly because they don’t seem to want to realise there are issues. I keep getting fobbed off with excuses and
that I will just be wasting my time. In
that case, I’m already wasting my time.
The time will come where I will just have to start forcing people to
take notice, as I am not happy with what I am being told, and I am finding it
impossible to deal with the dishonesty.
The problem
here is that it’s both parts of my job which are giving me hassle. The satisfaction I had from the purchasing
side is decreasing because of the amount of hassle and aggravation involved,
and the continual need to seek the full picture, and sometimes find the
truth. I don’t understand why big
companies think they can get away with how they conduct business – it’s obvious
to me, yet obviously not to other customers.
Therefore, it puts me out on my own, and therefore, I am seen as a
problem to deal with, and therefore, I get nowhere. Just another cycle I can’t break free from.
So, I try
things, and they don’t work. At the
moment, this cycle seems never ending.
When I finish work, work doesn’t finish, at least not for my
parents. The last two weekends have been
interrupted by work spilling into each of them, as was Easter weekend. Bank Holiday weekend a couple of weeks ago
was the worst – the Sunday afternoon (so right in the middle of the weekend)
saw a family barbeque for my cousin’s birthday.
As the weather was fine, we decided to walk round. Then the work letters came out to deliver on
the way. And then the conversation went
to work. And then when the detour
started to deliver these letters, I just kept on walking. I’d just spent a day and a half not having to
deal with all this, and yet I was forced back into thinking about it all. When I got to the party, I was fairly upset
and a bit angry. I think this was picked
up on, and to the grateful thanks of my aunt and uncle, I was able to just be
away from my parents, and all of the issues.
I was able to usefully help with the actual barbeque, and I stayed for
several hours after my parents left, when I could talk to people, when I could
be more open, and when I could simply be me.
I can’t say it was necessarily enjoyable, but it was at least peaceful
for me.
Generally,
time outside of work seems to be spent trying to get work out of my
system. For 3 months or so, I’ve been on
a Freedom in Christ course, which gave me something in the middle of the week
to aim at again, and kind of pulled through the week. Now that’s finished, I don’t have a
replacement for it, so every evening is just normal, and 5 days is so often a
long time to keep trying. I find that if
I don’t get through one day, and I don’t get it out, then I never get through
any other days until I can get a break.
Sometimes, the weekends don’t give me that break, and so the whole
things goes on for a few weeks, in which time I become more stressed, more
angry, more sleep deprived, and so the cycle goes on, and the hole gets deeper.
Most
evenings, I try to spend time socialising with a group of people on what is
basically a chat server, although we often play some kind of railway
simulation, or sometimes just chat. As
with any group, there are those people who are just part of the group, those
who I don’t get on with, and one or two who I could call friends. I find those who I don’t get on with seem to
get in the way of those I do get on with, and so as many times as trying to
make things better, I feel worse for being ignored, or even sometimes
deliberately cut out. I don’t understand
why, but as difficult as I find some people, they probably find me equally as
difficult, especially when I’m struggling.
People say I’m “two-faced” – which I probably am. I’m probably a completely different person
when I’m struggling to cope with all that’s being put on me, to the person I am
when I’m relaxed. It’s said that fun
comes from social interaction with others – I can relate to that – just that
for me, that fun only seems to be with certain people (or maybe without certain
people), if the circumstances are right.
The problem is that in my limited group of friends, those friends find
being sociable much easier, have more friends, and do other things in life
which means they have less time for me than I do for them, meaning quite
frequently I get left with no friends.
Whilst this is really hard at the times it happens, it’s the way of the
world.
At weekends,
sometimes I have more options. I’m
finding that I either need something to do to keep me occupied to myself, or I
need to get away from home and therefore, be just me. The opportunities to meet with anyone for
much more than passing the time of day are nearly impossible to organise, and
when it happens, it’s usually by chance.
People say to me that I should go away more, or have a trip out, but I
can soon start using what money I have to do these things, and find that I hit
just the same problems, having wasted a lot to feel no better. Therefore, I tend not to go far, and stick to
things which I at least partially know.
If I do plan something which takes me further afield, I generally try to
make sure that either enough people I know and get on with will be there, or
that there is a specific activity happening for long enough without other more
challenging parts to the day (for example – meeting to do something specific in
the afternoon, and then a more open social activity in the evening). It sometimes takes a lot to get me to do
something which isn’t obviously not a challenge to me, and people tell me that
I’m not open enough to trying things – I think because I’ve had so many
situations where I’ve put myself out, to have gained nothing, or even to have
made the situation worse, all for a lot of effort in the process. It’s just easier to try and cope with what I
have close to me.
Aside from
keeping work out of my weekends as much as possible, the other major challenge
I’ve been facing, and indeed still am facing, surrounds being able to be freely
part of a church community. I’ve
discussed parts of this in a previous post already, but in the times of
difficulties, all support seemed to disappear.
I asked to talk with people, and three months later, was squeezed into
the schedule because one of the matters arising was to be discussed at the
following night’s meeting, and nobody had got around to discussing it with me
until it was nearly too late. From the
resulting discussions, I was given a reply which was very negative towards me,
and contained only the opinions of one or two people, and not the whole group
who were supposed to have discussed the matter.
Whilst the leader of the group did make this clear, I have, some months
on, not received any further correspondence.
The result
was that the church community I thought I was starting, after 15 months, to
settle into, was no longer inviting, and just causing me a lot of hassle and
upset. After taking the matter perhaps
another step up the ladder, and finding someone who gave me their time and
support that the church should have, I was able to try and re-start the battle
of finding a church where I could, again, be at home, and worship freely. Having done this once, and not succeeded once
I’d become “not a new person,” I was really struggling to understand why two
churches didn’t want me to be a part of their communities, and why the service
I was being called to give was being seen as such a problem.
So, I’ve had
to start over again. I had to hit the
reset button, and walk away from a fight I couldn’t deal with, and try to find
the right place. I started by trying
what I knew. What you would call my old
church – the one I grew up in. It’s a
little weird in the way it’s split into two congregations, and they’re quite
different. I had involvement with both
when I worked the PA system, but what happened in one of the groups happened,
and I moved on. I started where I knew I
could start, without too much hassle.
That was OK for a few weeks, but I missed that worshipful connection
with God. I eventually forced myself to
try the other group, and found I could connect better, but I wasn’t at peace,
and with so many people around I just wasn’t comfortable with.
The other
difficulty, which has come up since too, is that the traditional form of
worship – ie mainly singing often doesn’t mean much to me. I feel worship through the sounds, and how
things fit together and flow – hence why I ran the PA system previously, in a
couple of churches at one time or another.
By the second or third week, something just wasn’t right, and it was
blocking my connection with God. It got
so bad one week, that I took action. The
PA desk had, for some reason, been left ‘live’ and unattended, and when the
notices were given, the system produced instant feedback. And then it happened again. I got up, walked over to where the equipment
was, and turned it down! Even then,
something still wasn’t right. I’d run
the system for many years before things in the past happened, so I knew how it
worked, and had a rough idea how things should have been set. To put this into simple terms, the power of
the sound had been turned right up instead of the volume, which made a very
strong sound, and a system very susceptible to feedback. This was never the way I had been taught, and
I set about putting it right. I’d
already adjusted one microphone before the person operating the equipment
returned, and was already adjusting the next one for the same reasons. I explained what I had done, and why I had
done it, but the concern was that “it’s been set up to work for anyone,” and I
was altering that. Well, the person who
supposedly set the system up this way was the same person who taught me what I
know, and this set up system was quite different from what he taught me.
When it came
for the first opportunity for me to move away, I couldn’t get up. I was pinned to the seat. So, I stayed, and continued to sort out the
various settings, some of which were completely backwards to anything I knew. I kept getting questioned and complained
at. I ended up making small adjustments
bit by bit so as to stop the constant complaints, and it took the whole service
to stop the piano feel like it was pinning me against the back wall of the
church! I was left at the equipment at
the end of the service, and several people came over and said thank you, and
some had felt the difference. I was told
by one person that “it’s like riding a bike – you never forget. When are you coming back on the rota?” I felt at peace, that I had done what was
called of me, walked with the Lord, worshipped and served Him. And then it all fell apart. I was called over by the same people who had
called me a few years ago, and told that I should not have had any involvement
once the original problem had been dealt with.
I was left feeling completely destroyed, and just like I’d been pushed
back through the door I’d walked through, and had it slammed shut in my face.
I really
struggled for a few weeks after that, stuck between places I was uncomfortable
with, or places which just weren’t fulfilling.
In the weeks where the two congregations were joined together, I just
stayed away. I felt unable to face the
hassle. Eventually, I managed to bring
myself to starting again. I talked
previously about being called to a different church, and ended up sorting out
some issues with their technical systems as the person normally responsible for
this was on holiday. At the time I felt
welcome, and there are a few people there who I know. I decided that I had to try something that at
least wasn’t completely foreign first, so I’ve been there for a few weeks now,
trying to see if I can fit in. So far, I
am hopeful. It’s challenging before and
after the services, trying to find people to have conversations with without
just going frozen, or not knowing what to say.
I’m trying to engage in conversation, but it’s really hard work. I think I’m making progress? Time will tell.
I pray that I
can find a place to be at home with God, and that the people called to be there
will treat me for who I am, and I can access the opportunities to walk with
God, and to serve as I am called. I’ve
been here before, and things haven’t worked out. I’m trying something which is incredibly
challenging, in the hope I’m trying the right place. If I can start feeling comfortable, and grow
in some confidence, then that will help a lot.
If I can find something in the middle of the week to aim at through the
difficult working week, then that would help too. It’s something that I’ve never managed to
work out for a regular, long term period.
I’d really like to find a bible study group, or similar, which I could
be a part of, contribute to, and grow friendships which could help on so many
levels. I’ve tried before, and had some
bad experiences, and I think that makes me very cautious. I pray into this too, that God will show me a
place of comfort.
And as for my
calling of worship through operating PA and visual systems previously – well,
for the moment that’s had to go on hold.
I’ve got to find the right place to be comfortable in the Lord’s
presence first, and then seek out any opportunities. Whether or not I can re-ignite the passion I
had for putting songs together and feeling out ways to work with a group of
musicians I really don’t know – it was this which probably caused so many
issues at my last church, and something which they cut off. I know what comes from God, and it’s really
hard when that gets cut out. I pray to
the Lord that the right opportunities will come along.
Then I have
the rest of the cycles and holes to try to break free from. If I move out of home, then I get space from
work, but the work issues won’t change, and then I’ll be tight for money at
best, and have the hassle of having to do things in time when I now have to try
and switch off from things. I keep
searching for options for a different job, but nothing seems to be moving
anywhere fast. People tell me I could do
a job, but then when it comes to there actually being a vacancy, I’m either not
experienced enough, don’t have enough confidence at interview, or I get ruled
out by people who know me because I’m in the family business, or because I’m
seen as a “challenging option.” I really
have no idea how I would cope in a different environment, not working for my
parents, but I would quite like to have the option of trying it. Sooner or later, my parents will retire, and
I just can’t see me being able to run the family business on my own. I’d like to be able to earn enough money to
have options in life, and be my own person.
I’d like to
try and find a group of close friends to be an equal part of that group. At the moment, I really don’t know where this
could come from, or how to best approach it.
Everyone I know already has close friends, and I’ve never been able to do
this myself. Let’s be honest – who wants
to be friends with someone in my situation, who finds simply being positive so
difficult a lot of the time. I know I’m
not easy to be around, but I just want a chance to build friendships, and have
a job where I can be open, honest and hard-working towards something that isn’t
stressing me out every day, and allows me to move forwards, and be
positive. I don’t want to be stuck in
this cycle going around and around, constantly having to try to pull myself out
of these big holes I’m in.
But here I
am. This is me. There’s no point in pretending everything’s
OK when it’s not – I have to do that at work several times each day when people
ask “how are you?” There’s no point in
being dishonest – yet so many people are with me. There’s no point in ignoring my difficulties,
or trying to side-step the problems I face each day – they just come back, and
plenty of people try to ignore or get around me, and what I know.
Lord – show me
hope – show me the way forwards…
