Fight or Flight?

Please feel free to comment on what you read - it's been quite a while since anyone commented on here, so I hope I'm not talking to myself!  Hopefully things I'm going through may still be relevant to others.  Is there anything you would like me to discuss in a future blog, or try and give an opinion on?

Since my last post, I’m sorry to say that many of the things which happened then have come back and hit even harder.  I’m continuing the never ending fight, but it’s become apparent that I’ve either got the wrong things going on, or I’m just not managing to fight them the right way.

Firstly, I mentioned the model railway club that I’d been an active member of for some years, which I had left following a difficult period ending with a very difficult meeting.  People keep discussing ideas about my involvement, and keep suggesting ideas as to why things happened.  As yet, there seems to be no willingness to deal with what happened, apart from an acknowledgement that what happened was wrong.  A few weeks’ time sees the AGM (Annual General Meeting), and I’m currently unsure whether or not I should go, maybe only to at least represent myself.  I just have the gut feeling that the whole situation will be brushed under the carpet, and I would be wasting my time.

Moving onto the other group of people I chat with sometimes.  Well, my involvement in that group seems to have ended following what seems like a remarkably similar situation to the model railway club above.  Two or three people have got together to conspire against my emotions, and drive me out.  As with the model railway club, the people in charge either aren’t able or don’t want to either do anything about the situation, or even give me any support or stand by me.  Like the model railway club, the two or three real friends I’ve made over the time I was a part of the group are just lost to me within the rest of the people.  In both cases, the positive times when things fit together for me are really good, but in both situations, there seem to be so many negatives overpowering the positives, that it’s time to move on.

At the moment, there’s a third situation which is has similar problems, but it’s the one closest to me, as it’s affecting my faith and relationship with God.  I talked previously about my involvement with the worship group at the church I have been at for just over a year.  Well, over the past few weeks, it has become apparent that the church either doesn’t want, or its leadership won’t accept a worship group – preferring instead to just have a music group.  It was termed to me that because nobody was accredited to lead worship, then it had to be classified as just a music group.  My role running the PA (sound) system was called into question, as was my involvement in the now downgraded music group.  In short, I often find worship through singing very difficult.  Growing up, I continued to find this very difficult, until I was invited to assist with the sound system in a junior church group.  I then started running the sound system at the church I was part of at the time, and developed worship through the sound and feel of those leading the worship, and spreading that through the church and leading that worship to the people.  When the situation happened a few years ago which shut that door to worship, it left me feeling like I’d been failed.

Now, it’s happening again.  Only this time, I’m probably more conscious that I need to stay strong in faith, that the right place and opportunities will be forthcoming over time.  However, right now, the door is closed to what I know.  Worse still, the couple of friends I’d made are lost to me.  One person I thought I could trust, and I thought we understood each other, but it seems I’ve been let down.  Another has gone quiet on me (I’ll come back to this later).  As a group, decisions were made to try and move forwards, and ask about other groups within the church about trialling different things, except two months later, I found my suggestions had gone no further.  As I tried to discuss things with the leadership, I was met with closed doors, and simply no interest in even trialling one of the things discussed.  Eventually I was able to meet on a one to one basis to discuss these and other things, but that took three months, and by now, others seem to have already made the decisions without understanding why I made the suggestions.  In short, the door seems to have closed which allows me freedom to worship in a way I can relate to.  And so, I’ve had to move on.  Even after a year, there were only a handful of people I felt able to talk to and what you might call socialise with, although it was perhaps more passing the time of day.

So, having moved on from the model railway club, from the group I chatted with, and church life having changed so much, it has meant I’ve lost one or two friends from each who I could, at times and when others involved allowed it to happen, talk to.  I’ve always felt lonely at times, but I feel as lonely now as I ever have.  It’s not that I don’t interact with others, just that I’m really struggling to find one, two or a small group of people I can talk to without fear that things might not be kept to themselves, or that I will be misunderstood, or that I will just end up in this same situation shortly afterwards of being shut out.  My problem is everyone else has their own close friends, and their own groups of friends, where as I am out on my own.  I can’t seem to break into any groups, and I can’t seem to have a two way close friendship, which usually takes me too long to realise – that is that I open up too far before realising I shouldn’t have.  I thought I was making a bit of progress with finding friends I could talk to, but with all these doors closing, those friends I’d made seem to have gone with them.  I’ve tried getting in touch with them separately, and with a couple of others who showed encouragement and support about meeting up, but weeks later, I’m still waiting for a single reply.  That seems to be where I’m at – nobody wants to be friends with me who doesn’t understand things, gets easily upset, and doesn’t want to be exciting or outgoing – just able to cope with life, and not feel alone.

I’m trying one or two things to try and replace these closed doors, and as yet, I’m not totally sure whether they’re the right thing.  I’ve been on a couple of walks with a group from one of the local churches.  The first one was a real opportunity to talk about a few things.  The second one was less so, although I’m in a more difficult place at the moment compared with a few weeks ago.  I’ve also joined a Freedom in Christ course at the suggestion of one of the few people who is giving me some time and encouragement at the moment.  I did this some years ago, but a lot has happened, and a lot has changed since then.  I’ve found some weeks OK, some weeks I’ve been able to actively be a part of some really constructive discussions and understandings.  Two weeks, however, have been much more difficult.  I think on both occasions things weren’t good before I went, and on both occasions, I was unable to be open with the other people.  At times, I felt unable to give open answers to questions.  At the start of one week, one of the opening questions saw my answer refer to a couple of the events from my past, which didn’t really set things going in the right direction.  I think I then spent the rest of the evening trying to say as little as possible, trying not to cause any more upset and negative feelings on top of what was already there.  Then I was confronted with being told I had to deal with the exact issues I’ve described here – struggling to be a part of a group that doesn’t understand me.  People tell me that I should do lots of things I’ve either tried or don’t understand.  Then I was told that I am using autism is a front, and am hiding behind it, and using it as an excuse.  Why is it people who don’t understand me can’t just leave away, and leave it to people who do want to take time to make constructive and realistic suggestions.

Anyway, I move on before I get quite angry.  There is one more major place full of issues still – that being work.  Of all the things I’m fighting at the moment, this one just won’t go away.  I’m still fighting my parents, and our suppliers on a daily basis.  I don’t seem to be winning either battle.  On one front everything is fine as long as it’s my fault, and everyone can blame me for it, and on the other, I just wish people would be honest, and sort things they say they will sort, and repeatedly don’t.  I have to battle this every day.  When I don’t cope, I struggle to contain either my anger or emotions (or both), and then I get told I’m unprofessional because I get worked up and stressed out.

Then once in a while, I get freedom, and the chance to actually be taken seriously, or at least it appears that way.  The meeting I got invited to was even allowed to happen, although it was made clear afterwards that not everyone was entirely happy about it.  Quite whether anything positive will actually come of the meeting is yet to become apparent.  Indeed, I’ve yet to work out quite what the purpose of it was, other than probably to try and obtain information from me.  Whether or not I gave enough, or too much, I don’t know.  The whole situation is really difficult having to play suppliers against each other, and then dealing with the accusations which follow.  I just wish they would all be honest, and then we would know exactly where we stand, and they would too.  As it is, I’m caught playing the game, all the time.  Trouble is, not many people understand the game, including my parents and colleagues, so there are plenty of opinions going around about how much time I apparently waste.  It’s good from time to time to be able to say that this has been sorted, and that has been dealt with at last, but its frustration and being ignored more often than not.

On top of it all, I have customers to deal with.  I won’t repeat what I’ve previously said, but even after nearly ten years, it gets no easier.  Just now, when I ask for help, I just get told that if I can’t do my job, then I should find one where I don’t have to deal with customers.  Then there’s not being allowed to show emotions or anger, and threats of various things including not being needed, and being told I need help.  I’ve even been told I should go and see a doctor.  Last time I tried, I was accused of wasting their time, as they couldn’t understand why I went.

I’ve said it many times now, that when someone out there takes me seriously, and accepts me for who I am, then I may be able to move forwards, whether that be at work, in a different job, with building a friendship or two or three, or in rebuilding the broken bridges which will take my life somewhere other than hurt and pain.  In closing, I will add that there are many more things going on, but I can’t talk about them all on here, as people tend to get upset if I talk about things too close.  I’m already fighting people close to me who think I should delete this whole blog, as it shouldn’t be in the open.  But then, they’re the people who don’t understand me – just dangerously think they do.

Finally, I have to bring this all to God in prayer – I give to Him all the things written here, and the many more things in my head, and ask Him to take them away, and replace them with peace and blessings and strength to move forwards, fight what I need to fight, and leave what I need to leave behind.  I allow Him to take the negatives away.  I say sorry to those reading this who may know they are in this post, and may not agree with what I’ve put.  I ask for forgiveness from both them and God for the way I see things.  I pray for guidance in finding some real, long-lasting two way friendships and I pray for hope that I can start being less dominated by negativity, and taken over by happiness and fulfilment, in some positive things going on in life.  Amen.