This has turned out to be probably the longest post
I’ve written, and has taken me several days to write. There’s a lot of stuff in here, which some people
reading may know about, and be able to relate to. I’ve tried to be as open and honest and
truthful as I can be, without naming people or organisations, and without
directly hurting anyone. I’m bound to
have done at least one of those things, so I apologise in advance. I pray that anyone who reads this will
understand that it’s not been a pleasant experience going through these things,
and indeed I’ve been upset writing this in places. I would like to take this opportunity to
thank those people who have had a part in this story, either in a small or big
part, and especially those who have talked with me and prayed for the things
which have happened, and I hope will happen moving forwards. Now, it’s all done, and I can move on to the
next thing in peace…
Well – yes and no. My week and a bit off work over Christmas
allowed me to go back to work with a sense of really trying to sort stuff out,
and try to fight the constant difficulties.
Day one went well. Day two turned
into a complete nightmare. The usual
problem of being expected to diagnose a fault I couldn’t understand, and with
no help from the people who were supposed to understand things better than me.
This was the
start of nine days where I just didn’t cope.
Just about everything I did fell to pieces. On the Friday, it was work, Saturday was the
fact that going out for breakfast just had to involve Dad dealing with more
work stuff, followed by having demands inflicted on my weekend plans meaning I
just couldn’t get any space to switch off from all this. On the Sunday at church, some of the
equipment was giving issues, which just destroyed any attempts to be at
peace. Monday came with dealing with
Friday’s problems at work, along with the normal difficulties I face every
day. Then came the model railway club in
the evening, which was still proving a challenge to find much satisfaction and
enjoyment in between all the politics and lack of support. More of that in a bit.
Tuesday was more
of the same with work, followed by an evening at what should be worship
practise, but was turning distinctly into music night. I really struggled to see God in what was
going on – to me it was just like I had been shut out. When we stopped for a drink, of the five
people, it was very much like two pairs having conversations, and I felt really
left out. I just couldn’t get into any
of the conversations, and the whole thing was just turning into a big
snowball. I think what upset me most was
being the way I was, I couldn’t even talk to someone I had taken to be someone
I could share things with, and talk to, and relate to. It just didn’t happen. After the break, I was in pieces, and broke
down again. I couldn’t bring myself to
stay, and I left mid-song – I just had to get out of there.
Work all week was
just one hassle after another, and many of the problems are just the same, only
I wasn’t coping with them, and I wasn’t getting away from it in the evenings
either. One night I left work on time,
completely fed up that my Dad wouldn’t stop and come home, only to be shouted
at for leaving before my work was done – there was nothing on my desk at
closing time, and I left them to it. I’d
already had no lunch break, and was accused of sitting at the computer doing
nothing all day. I wish! The week ended on Friday teatime – except it
didn’t. On Saturday morning, I was
basically expected to go to breakfast, and listen to my Dad give testimony
about how he came to be in business, and bring a family member’s car back to work
afterwards. I had little choice, as
someone was needed to drive the second car.
So, being in at a very low point, my weekend started on Saturday
lunchtime – I just wanted some space (finally) to reset, and try to regain any
sense of controlling myself.
On top of all
this, that night I lost friends through a misunderstanding within a group of
friends I regularly chat with on a chat server.
Whatever I said was taken in a different way, and I was basically banned
from saying anything, so I had little choice but to leave the group. The two or three people I really get on with
were cut off. In short, all these things
had fallen apart on me in the same week, and with everyone having a say on what
I should do with any of my own time, I was breaking down in either anger or
emotions/tears at least twice each and every day, and was struggling to regain
any sense of relaxation, peace or friendship to try and rebuild. I felt like I did 3 years or so ago, when the
same downward spiral hit. Back then, it
took me over nine months to come out the other side.
As I looked
forward on the Saturday night, I saw a lot of darkness, anger, stress and bad
feelings towards just about everything.
I prayed, and prayed and prayed.
I prayed mostly about the next day, Sunday, that I could find a turning
point. All I saw was the church, with
the issues from the previous Tuesday night when I walked out of “music night”,
with the minister who is known for being disorganised and late arranging
everything preaching the next day, and together with a shared lunch afterwards,
the whole thing just freaked me out. I
prayed where God wanted me, and as I slept, I had a dream of being in a
different church, dealing with a problem there.
So, determined to
go to a church somewhere, whether it be my normal church, the one I grew up in,
or somewhere else. I had the sense of
being called somewhere else, so I went there.
I figured I might know some people there, but walked in a bout 3 minutes
before the service, and hadn’t been given a hymn book before I was greeted with
“ah, hello Daniel – you know about technical things and computers don’t
you…” Well, it turned out that the
person who normally deals with the technical stuff there was away, and his
replacements couldn’t get the song words onto the projector screen. I was asked if I could help, so I had a
go. The service started, and I couldn’t
get the software normally used to put any words onto the screen. I did, by the second song, manage to have the
words copied and pasted into another program which would put the words onto the
screen, and all was well – aside from the next 15 or 20 minutes copying and
pasting the other words for the other songs!
I was able to sit back and listen to what was being said by the
preacher. I had a real sense of purpose
from God that morning, and I think everyone there knew it.
The potentially
awkward time after the service was helped by the amount of people who were able
to share in my calling to be there, and help get around the problems, but also
by being able to talk to someone about some of the things I was feeling, and
get them out in the open. This was the
first time in nine days when I didn’t break down – indeed I was starting to
feel ready to try and fight things.
So, trying to
move on and move forwards. I didn’t go
to the model railway club on the Monday evening as normal, deciding I wasn’t
feeling strong enough to handle that. Instead,
I went to a prayer group meeting, intending at least to be doing something with
God to get me away from everything else.
I was able to share some of the stuff going on, and was able to pray for
peace. I was able to have a conversation
with someone I had hardly ever spoke to before, and felt comfortable doing so,
and sharing in a time of prayer with them.
I had, during the
previous week, arranged to speak with someone about some of the church stuff
that was going on, and given the amount of things which had fallen apart, I’d
arranged this at the same time as “music night” would normally be going
on. At the time, it didn’t bother me as
I was just really lost in what was right and wrong, and what to fight and walk
to move on from. It’s not very often I
am able to actually talk over things with someone who shows a caring interest,
and I know I had to go a little outside of the normal people I perhaps “should”
be talking to (according to some), but with so many doors appearing closed at
the time, I searched for someone who would have the time to listen to me, and
found saints sent by God in places other than the immediately obvious.
I came out of
that prayerful discussion with a sense of needing to reset and refocus, and
needing to work out what in my life to fight the battles with, and that there
were some things I need to leave behind.
Anyway, after that meeting, I felt called on to go and try one of the
things I had found problems with, and explore whether to leave the worship
group at my church, or to see about fighting my way back in. Given they were meeting, I arrived, somewhat
late, but was able to find my place, and chat with some of the people, and
assure the sense of peace that my calling from God still had a purpose there.
The one thing I
can’t walk away from is work (well – I could, but living at home with my
parents having just walked out of the family business could be perhaps
perceived as a little too stressful), and without money coming in, I would not
be able to have much of a living away from home. So, I have to fight it. It’s probably the biggest thing causing me
the biggest headaches (literally at times), and is something I’m struggling
with. Especially difficult is having to
do things I don’t understand, and having no back up when I get these things
wrong, or just am unable to make a decision which should not be mine to make. Put this together with dealing with the
public, which can sometimes be really difficult when I don’t understand them,
or they don’t understand me, and I find myself just wanting to go home. When I get home, it doesn’t finish. As I’ve already said, work often overspills
into home life, and I seem to get a lot of hassle if I blank work stuff when I’m
not at work.
Aside from that,
I started to explore, now in a better frame of mind, and coping most of the
time at least, where I was being led, and where I was perhaps being led away
from. I was able to start the weekend on
the Friday evening this week, and was able to be back in my church with the
worship group. Although some things are
still being worked on, and some of the equipment isn’t perfect, I was able to
be in touch with God, and cope when glitches did come along. This week at what I will refer to as worship
practice, as in my opinion, it actually was for the fist time for a few months,
I actually felt as though I was an equal in the group for the first time for
about the same period of time. I felt
free enough to have an input, which was at least being considered and things
tried out. I can’t work out if it was
me, or others, or something just not being right with God, but this week felt a
lot better.
On the Sunday
morning, I was able to say a prayer with everyone involved before the service
(yes – everyone was actually organised and ready well in time) which I can’t
remember what I said, other than it was obviously in connection with God. Sometimes when you’re asked to lead a prayer,
it can be very much you, but I know when I’m doing the right thing, as I’m in
so much peace, and I was then. It was
questioned why the preacher needed the radio microphone, as everyone said he
had a strong voice, and didn’t need it.
I pointed out that the deaf person sat at the back under the noisy
heater might benefit from the amplification, and so the microphone was used.
So, when it came
to the final hymn which nobody seemed to know, I was able to turn the
microphone up so the preacher could lead the singing, and everyone picked the
hymn up. So, it seems at the moment,
that I am being called to stay with the worship group at my normal church, and
to fight some of the barriers which seem to stop me being totally free to
worship openly in the way I can do.
There seems to be this idea that worship is just about singing – for me
at least it’s about the feeling in the room being connected with God, and when
I’m running the PA desk, I being a part of making that feeling and
connection. There are still regular
times when I want to be able to pray openly, but it doesn’t seem to be liked by
the church leadership when I’ve done this once or twice. The biggest short term battle will be dealing
with the late organisation sometimes, and the last minute requests which happen
too often. I mentioned above that I took
myself away from this when I wasn’t coping at all, and even when I am coping,
there have been situations where this late organisation has taken my connection
with God away. I pray for these people,
that God may find the time for things to happen to allow us all to cope with
what is being asked of us, and these situations will become rarer and less
stressful.
Staying with the
worship group briefly, one other thing which has been a struggle was being
asked to be a part of something months ago, to be sent an e-mail two days
before saying I wasn’t required. When
I’d specifically arranged other things to happen at a different time to allow
me to be a part of a one-off event, it came as a bit of a kick in the teeth to
be cut out. Then again, I’m used to
people I thought were my friends cutting me out of things – it happened a
number of times when I was feeling low and people just found it easier to cut
me out rather than help me. I find it
hard enough finding, making and keeping friends, without being cut out by
others, and often that means I don’t get to see the friends I do have away from
the groups at which we are both a part of.
In the worship group, it’s just like this. At the model railway club, it’s just the
same. There are a handful of people I
get on with, but plenty more I either get on with whilst I’m there, or indeed
don’t get on with.
I really struggle
with having friends close enough to just be able to talk to – there’s either
other people in the way, or I just can’t work things out to be able to see them
separately – in some cases there’s physical distance, and in others, they
always seem to be busy. I find it
annoyingly hard to basically invite myself round to someone’s house, or go out
for a drink with someone. It seems like
there’s always an excuse, or a better offer.
I’m well aware I’m not perhaps the most fun person to be around, but I
seem to be stuck in my own life, and don’t seem to have the friends and help
and support that everyone else does.
Moving on, I am
continuing to battle with work. On the
days I am left to do my reception and purchasing job, I generally cope, unless
I am dealing with difficult customers, or with customers where I’ve not been
given the information needed to tell them what’s happening. I can cope with the purchasing side of things
much better. The major frustration here
is dealing with big companies who treat us as being really small, and won’t do
anything about the issues and errors I have to work with every day. One has even removed the facility to report
errors with their catalogue, although they haven’t fixed things reported over
six months ago, and don’t seem interested.
I’ve said it for a long time – the day I get taken seriously at work,
will be the day I get a chance to move forwards. For the last ten years, and until this
happens, I keep trying – it’s all I can do.
So, I have the
things I am fighting, along with some smaller things which don’t occur very
regularly. There are also the things
I’ve moved away from. Aside from certain
difficult situations at church, the biggest of these changes was at the model
railway club, where I had been roster clerk and a committee member for some
time. In the past six months or so,
there have been various issues perceived with my involvement, or according to
some, lack of involvement. At the
previous committee meeting, I agreed to continue in my roles, subject to review
at the next meeting, after being given little option but to resign after one
person took the roster I had written, and the exhibition into their own hands,
for, in my opinion, their own personal preference and gain.
The result of
which was an agreement over rostering principles (most of which were pretty
much existing anyway), and that the committee would support any roster written
in accordance with these principles. The
members would be asked to give their agreement to the assumptions I was
making. The actual result was a
reduction in flexibility from some members (again, to suit their own
preferences), leading to 3 very difficult exhibitions before the matter could
be reviewed. That meeting was last week. I knew this meeting, just like the last one,
would be difficult. In the previous
meeting, I had just about got through it, with a lot of prayer and support from
the church and my family. This time, I
asked for that same support. I got
through the previous meeting basically as nobody voiced a combined disagreement
against what I was doing, and although there was a supposed agreement, it was
more that nobody disagreed, or at least openly admitted their disagreement. This became apparent in between the meetings
when these people did not give any support, or assist me when asked.
This time, I was
asked what the situation was. Then I was
told very abruptly why the original situation occurred, or at least another,
different version of the story, which seems to have changed over six
months. When I was eventually allowed to
finish, without being shot down, I was asked if I wished to continue. At this point, I was asked if I wished to
continue with the role in question. I
said yes, if the others would give the support agreed in the last meeting. Then two others started accusing me of only
going to the club to operate the railway, and not being involved in maintaining
it. I was also accused of cancelling
club nights be e-mailing people to say I wasn’t going on a given week. The members who travel distance asked to be
told if numbers were likely to be short, yet the committee told me I shouldn’t
be doing this. I was really starting to
struggle by now, and was starting to switch my attention away, and to how I was
going to get out. I was asked again if I
wished to continue as roster clerk, to which I replied “no, not without the
support of the committee”. Then it
kicked off again, and more accusations were made, and people telling me I
should put more effort into things I wasn’t doing. I went to push myself up three times to walk
out there and then, but somehow I didn’t.
When I was visibly in tears, the meeting was called to order, and I was
asked for a third time if I wished to continue as roster clerk, to which I
again replied “no”. I couldn’t manage
much of an explanation this time, and I don’t think I actually gave one, but it
was apparent that four others were set against me, and the other two just sat
there. Without any support, I was
basically given no choice.
The rest of the
meeting passed me by – I managed to sit there, and compose myself just
about. At the end, some of the people
just left, and it left me there, with nobody really wanting to talk about
anything, not even the person who up to that point I had talked to, and had
understood me, and had, up to then, supported me. I was left out cold, and I wasn’t
coping. I managed to drive home – I
discussed some things in the car with the friend I was bringing back to Lincoln
The next day at
work wasn’t much better, and I broke down in the afternoon. I think I cried and cried and cried for about
half an hour before being able to plough on with what I was being expected to
do. I prayed, and went back to what I’d
discussed earlier in the week, about learning what to fight, and what to move
on from. Everything up to then had
seemingly come back together where things had fallen apart. The model railway club had basically imploded
on me, and I had been pushed out. I
spent the whole Friday evening putting a letter of resignation from all of my
responsibilities at the model railway club, and just getting all the issues out
of my system. I prayed over it, and sent
it off at nearly midnight, and felt a real sense of peace that it was done, and
I could move on. I managed to sleep too.
There are still
other things in my life reset which I don’t know the way forward for just
yet. I’m still searching for the answers
to some stuff. One thing I have started,
is the Freedom in Christ course following a recommendation from one of the
people who gave me their time to talk about things. I’m hoping it will give me the opportunity to
filter out the stuff that is in the way of my relationship with God, and build
on what I already know with a fresh insight.
More of that in a separate post, as this one is already rather long.
In closing here,
I would like to turn to the Lord, and give thanks that I am coming through some
very dark times, and finding my way again, at least some of the time. 2 weeks or so of being really dark is over
this time (last time was 9 or 10 months before I coped), so that’s a great
start. I pray for the model railway club
and its members, who I’ve left behind – that the roles I have vacated will be
filled, and the people who have caused me problems will treat my replacement
with more respect and dignity. I pray
for the other things I come into contact with, and the people in those
places. I wish I could make and build
friendships like everyone else can, and I wish I could be more positive
sometimes. I seem to dwell on the
negative stuff, so I ask the Lord to help me overcome this.
Whatever happens,
life will continue to be a challenge.
With no opportunity seemingly available to change the big things, I have
to try the little things to give me a way to escape from some of the things
going on. I often wish I could talk to
people, or spend time with friends doing normal stuff, instead of it being
surrounded by something negative. I wish
could do something simple like just say to someone “come round to my house
sometime” without having lots of questions about it. It’s difficult trying to get an invite to
spend time with someone or some people, but it seems to somehow be the way I
am. I give all this to the Lord, and ask
Him to take control of it.
One day maybe
I’ll be accepted as normal for who I am, and what I can offer – until then, the
battle of life goes on…
