What do I do next?

The end of another year, and I seem to be in much the same place, and facing many of the same issues as at the start of the year.  Christmas is, apparently, a time to be happy, spend time with friends and family, and celebrate.  Well, for me, it’s the same family I spend most other days in the year with.  There might be one larger gathering, but that’s one day, not several days, weeks or months that Christmas seems to go on for these days.  Friends are still somewhat scares for me.  I tried this year, thought I’d got somewhere, taken steps forwards, but now it’s all fallen apart again, I just don’t know what to do next.

Where shall I start?  Well, I guess with work.  It’s much the same as always really – some days are quiet, others are full of hassle.  I cope with one or two things, but when lots of things come at me at once, I just shut down, and try to deflect what I know I can’t cope with onto others.  Then, they just add to the things I can’t cope with, and so it spirals into a horrible, intolerable mess which drags on and on and on.  With no sign of a way out, I have little choice but to carry on.  Whilst five days of most weeks are full of this, there’s only so much more I can take of things which don’t take me away from work.

In amongst all the darkness, was one thing I have managed to conquer so far.  Indeed, it’s one of the few things that’s giving me any sense of satisfaction at the moment.  I have managed a return to the model railway club which, at the beginning of the year, gave me little option but to leave.  Whilst the issues directly involved, and the people involved have quietened down, not everything has been dealt with, and I received no apology from those directly involved.  I said I would try things, and some eight weeks on, I’m still there, still going, and forming an active part of the growing operations team.  Some of the issues I faced have been eased, and since my input is directly making a difference, I am getting some satisfaction from that, be it only once per week, and in between the walking on eggshells around one or two people, and certain issues and conversation points.  It worries me that the past will come back to be difficult at some point, probably, just when I think I’m doing OK and getting somewhere, like other things have.

I move onto the thing which has perhaps dominated the last couple of months, and indeed, the thing which has confused and upset me the most.  Yet again, life in a church has turned impossible.  At the beginning of the year, I had to leave a church, and friends I’d made in that church, and move on.  It became apparent that I’d had my time there, and that I was being seen as a problem.  I was ignored by those in charge, until they had to take notice, having left no time to want to look into things properly, and so I was seen as the problem, and it left me no place.

Almost immediately, I fell into a hole in another church.  At the time, it was just another glimpse of something.  I then tried what I knew, or rather the church I knew from before.  I’ve described what happened in a previous post, but in short, the door closed rather quickly once again.  So, I followed the sign and the glimpse of hope, which took me to where I worshipped for about five months.  I took a while for things to settle down, and for people to start realising quite what I could do, where I stood, and to build friendships and working relationships.  There were some gaps, and some difficult times, but by the autumn, we’d worked through most of the things, or so I thought.

I’d started to be able to have decent conversations with one or two people, and started having these outside of church too.  I’d settled into working the sound desk, and felt able to cover other techy things when I needed to.  I’d found some holes in things I could, given time, remedy.  I’d started to form a working relationship with the worship group, and we were working towards solving some of the things which came up as getting in the way.  Things weren't perfect, but the glimpses and hope were joining together, and things were moving forwards.

Then, during a period of time when a number of key people were “away” for various reasons, things became difficult.  For four weeks I managed to just about stay afloat, battle through all that fell around me, and became reliant on me.  I fought through it, and on the fourth week, even managed to do something practical to help someone who had become a friend.  I thought I’d had a really good two-way conversation, and I thought I was moving forwards, but, within a week, the whole lot crumbled away to nothing.  Not only were people ignoring me, but actually condemning me for what I was doing within the church.  The people I turned to for help were either “away,” simply ignored my pleas, or told me that there was nothing they could do.  Within that week, my life became church with work fitting in between.  I reckon I could have coped with work that week, had it not been for all the church stuff going on.  I really felt like I had nothing again.  I had little choice but to step aside from what I had agreed to take on, and a load more stuff which got landed on me.

And so it went on for weeks.  It destroyed the way I’d been coping with life, it destroyed most of the friendships I’d made, and people who had taken time to help me along, just disappeared one by one.  By the time someone actually approached me to talk to me, I really was just a wreck.  I was very lost, confused, and at times, emotional.  Six months of hard work all in pieces.  What do I do next?

I’ve felt, during the three discussions I’ve had about the matters so far, like I’m the odd one out, and like I’m treading on eggshells.  I’ve been told people don’t know how to understand me, and that people don’t feel able to talk to me in fear of upsetting me further.  It’s really hard when you think you’ve made friends, had conversations, and then just get cut off.  It feels now like I’m being humoured so it doesn’t look so bad from the outside – it feels pretty horrible from the inside.  Maybe I’m getting this wrong, but things just don’t add up.  I’ve been made promises to be given a chance to discuss things with everyone involved, been told I am welcome, been told that I’ve not upset anyone, or that anyone is upset with me.

Yet, only the people who have had to talk to me have done so, and still so many won’t talk to me.  It’s not without trying – even in saying Happy Christmas, I tried to start conversations, and in most cases, that’s as far as it got.  In only one case, did the conversation get past a third message.  I don’t understand where I stand yet, where I should be taking this, how I need to go about moving forwards, and just what’s gone wrong.  It’s clear that I’ve upset people, but I don’t understand why or how?  When people I thought I could trust, and thought I was making friends with go cold on me, it’s really hard.  I just don’t have another load of friends to move onto.  With this, and the combination of other losses of friends, the last couple of months has been a lonely place.  Yes, I see people, but not people I can talk to, not people I can trust, feel natural with, not have to watch what I’m saying.  I just want to be able to have friends like everyone else.  It hurts when I came so far, yet now, I’m so far away again.  And it’s harder still when it’s the Lord’s house, and the Lord’s people.  It really makes me wonder if I’m better without being in a church.

Away from those two big things, there have been one or two days out.  Opportunities for a temporary break from all the negative stuff going on.  When they’re there, it’s something to aim at.  The problem is, when there’re no one offs to aim at, it’s just the same cycle going round and round.  Then came Christmas.  The cycle just froze.  Any progress with anything has just stopped for 2 weeks, except my emotions keep going around and around.  I keep wanting to cry, and not managing it, or having to hide the emotions because the timing is inappropriate.  I keep having nightmares about work, nightmares about church, and just plain random nightmares about random stuff.  Even over Christmas, they’ve carried on.  The thing is, the issues are still there, unresolved.  The world may be on Christmas holidays, but I’m still here.  My mind still has all this stuff which I can’t get rid of.  What do I do next?

As I move into the new year, the problems around 2014 are still there.  There is no big thing about the new year for me, just like there isn’t about Christmas.  It’s just another day, and for me, another challenge.  When you fight just to cope every day, it soon tires you.  I pray for friends who really want to be friends, not who have to seem to be.  I pray for truth in what had gone on, and what people think.  And I pray for a way forwards, out of this mess, and out of this ongoing cycle which gets me down rather too often.

I do my best to cope – often not very well.  I try every day.  People will continue to ignore me, condemn me for being negative, or pretend to accept me.  The reality comes out in the end, and it’s really hard when I find out.  I just dream of the day where I can have a real friendship, and real two way conversation, and then not have that friendship fall to pieces.  I dream of a way out of having to tread on eggshells all the time.  I dream of a place where I can just be normal.  Until then – I am me.  You may see me as difficult, annoying, hurtful or negative.  I’m not trying to be any of those things.  I’m just trying to cope, be me, do the best I can, be realistic and tell it as it is, rather than hide behind things or say what people want to hear.  And, I want to be a friend to those who accept this.  Sadly, not many do accept this – some can’t understand me, some choose not to understand me, and some just don’t try.  For those who are real friends, I just ask you to keep praying for me, that I cope, that I understand, and that I find a way to deal with my situation.  And, if you can spare me time for a chat, a hug, or whatever it is that friends do together, than that would be a welcome surprise.  But please, only if it’s real.

Lord – what do I do next?

Fight, Fight, Fight, and Keep Fighting to find peace…

The last few months have been much the same story, a lot of hard work, a lot of tough times, and not really any resolutions to any of the major problems.  I still have a different way of understanding the world.  I still feel like I’m getting the blame for all of the problems, and I still find even the simplest of social situations nearly impossible.  In 2014, I've now had 6 periods where I have just been in pieces, and been able to put anything near to stable thoughts together.  I think negatively, and just struggle to see any hope.  This last time has been the hardest, as I feel I nearly lost my relationship with God again.  When things at church fell apart on the Sunday morning, and I was ill during the service as a result, it took me a week to recover the situation, after already having had a week.  For me, having my prayers reduced to nothing more than “help me” for two weeks was the hardest thing.

As I sit here, trying to rebuild, fight this illness, and try to move forwards, I find myself going through cycles of falling back, trying to stabilise, and then trying to move forwards without falling back again.  As I said, I've had six major cycles of it this year already, and really don’t want any more.  I fear this won’t be the end, and I don’t think I’m in charge of what I need to get out of the cycle and break free.

I suppose the best thing to start with is work.  Well, the situation isn't really much different, aside from the extremes seem to have been worse.  I still struggle daily with trying to do a job which I find challenging with missing bits of information, and continually being blamed for anything negative, for making others upset and angry, and various other things I can’t go into.  If I go into a day determined to fight, then I come out broken.  If I ask for the missing things, then I just get complaints that I’m being pedantic, or that it doesn't matter.  I can’t explain things to others (mostly customers) when things aren't explained to me.  I can’t make decisions about things I don’t understand.  I can’t handle the difficult situations that result from this.  Yet, whenever these come up, it’s my fault that I have to disturb someone else, or persuade them to tell me what’s going on, or make a decision, and then me who has to deal with the fall out of things that don’t happen.

Some of this has always been there, but some of it is new, and worsening.  I am told that I am doing less, yet the stress and discomfort is more painful, and taking more time to try to deal with.  The hardest thing is when someone asks “how are you?” – having to be professional and say I’m fine, when I’m not.  That’s even harder when it’s someone I know, and harder still when it’s someone who knows perfectly well that I’m not OK.  Even when I try to pull someone to one side, seemingly away from anyone else around, I get followed by someone making sure I don’t say something I shouldn't.

The purchasing side of my job continues to be a regular hassle.  Having to deal with bigger companies who just don’t want to make your life easy.  What should happen is you get a quote for something, they tell you when it’s available for, you compare between two or three options, and choose the best one.  Sadly, if you believe the first thing you are told, then you could be spending more than three times than you should be for that product, all because the companies involved can’t be honest.  I guess I’m in a lucky position to be able to spot this quite easily, but then getting things corrected is pretty much impossible.  Whilst some of the local staff bend over backwards to help, the support from their management away from the local branch, is well, pretty much non-existent.  I found out over the last couple of weeks that my work with to try and resolve some of the issues has been ignored, and that ideas to make positive changes have been rejected because I am the only one with any issues – except I know that’s not the case from what others have told me.

Basically, I’m trapped between dealing with all of this, or paying a lot more money for things from companies who may or may not be just the same.  If I do that, then my wages get spent, and I have no job.  Whilst there are plenty of issues going on, I do at least have a job, and so am earning enough money to live on.

Unfortunately, the situation over recent weeks has meant that I have, on a few occasions, rather obviously not coped.  On one occasion, I’d asked in the morning about finishing early after an invite to Derbyshire that afternoon.  The request was accepted, and then declined later on.  I have to say, I just went.  I had to take the opportunity at the time when things weren't going well.  I've left a few times on time at the end of the day, rather than waiting for everyone to finish off and lock up.  Whilst it is not my responsibility to close up, I constantly get reminded that it’s a “family business” and not a “9 to 5 job.”  Likewise, I now keep away from anything work related at weekends, which seems to upset others too.  I need space from what’s giving me the biggest problems, hassle, stress and upset, and it seems that some others don’t understand this.

So, away from work, my family relationships are fine, once work is out of the system, and as long as it doesn't come back into the conversation.  It’s horrible getting trapped into a conversation which turns into work stuff, and not being able to escape it.  I just don’t need reminding of things which aren't doing me any good at the moment.  I have to say, that a lot of my evenings and weekends have become a lonely establishment.  Events of the summer have somewhat made this situation much worse.

We had a period of intense heat for nearly 3 weeks, which combined with the above stresses at work, made me quite ill with headaches, dizziness, a complete lack of energy at times, and I wasn't sleeping at all well.  Particularly during the week, pretty much all the things to do that happened sometimes stopped, and I was left with one thing.  As I've mentioned before, I've been testing a series of railway signalling simulations for around 3 years, with varying success, but things haven’t been as good and easy for a while now.  As I became ill, I wasn't able to concentrate on as much testing.  Some days, I would crash in bed as soon as I got home, get up to have dinner, and crash in bed again for the rest of the evening.  Whilst this wasn't popular with some people at home, it was sometimes all I could manage.

For around two years, I’d been part of a group of people who would, most evenings, chat on a chat server, sometimes test these simulations, or discuss them, sometimes do completely other things, and sometimes just chat.  It became a difficult place to be, and I was accused of various things over a period of time, which resulted in me being made a point of, and being told that I was no longer welcome.  Aside from that, testing had become increasingly difficult because people have stopped communicating with me, and keeping me in the loop of developments.  These two things put together have meant I am basically not testing at the moment, and given the amount of grief and hassle, am considering my options as to whether to formally leave that community.  Given I've been asking to talk to people involved since May (it’s now the end of September), I can only assume that the organisation or individuals I work with are no longer wanting my help.  As with other things from previous posts, I feel I may have little option but to walk away, given things have become so distant anyway.

The problem then, is filling the hole.  I don’t have another activity to do, another group of friends to turn to.  I have a choice – the TV, or not a lot.  Generally, it’s been the latter – I've not watched much on TV for a long time, and there’s not much to grab my attention.  The hardest thing has to suddenly be on my own, with everything that’s in my head, still stuck in my head.  It didn't happen all the time, but those occasions where I could talk to someone, and clear my head.  Now, that’s not an option, and I struggle to clear my head.

Unfortunately, it makes me appear very negatively when anything I say is negative.  Whilst a handful of people, to whom I am very grateful, give time to send positive and helpful messages, and I know some friends pray for me too, there are others who send me negative comments, or have been talking about me negatively behind my back.  This may sound wrong, but it’s not the same as having an open opportunity to talk, without distraction, about the things in my head at that time, to share with someone who really does care.  I've said it before, but to me, those moments are rare, but moments I miss not having.

The two or three people I could talk to regularly, before things changed, have been lost to me, because the easy facility to chat has been taken away.  So, I try different things, different people, different groups, and different situations.  I’m trying to take the random conversations with people, and make them more regular.  I’m trying to take up the offers people have made me, with varying levels of frustration.  It seems that some made offers, which, when I approach them for a chat, they just ignore me.  Some of the conversations are still quite random.  I've tried to arrange things with people, but they seem not to be happening for whatever reason – usually clashes of other things going on.  It’s hard when I have so little going on, even to fill something in the week to get me to the next thing.

Even church hasn't been easy.  It’s really hard trying to break into things, and find out what’s going on, what I can be a part of, and who I need to talk to about it.  After a frustratingly long summer, I’m hoping that after finally finding some right people, that I've found a group I can start becoming a part of, and something fairly regular too.  I know that joining an already established group will be difficult, and the first couple of weeks have been mixed.  I’m hoping that once the whole group is back together, and some regularity established, that this will help me get a grip on what really goes on, whether I can cope, and hopefully be a part of it.

Aside from that, other things within church seem to be quite irregular, from week to week.  It’s hard when it’s one of the only things I have where I meet with other people outside of work, and yet has been a source of frustration when put together with everything else.  I can see potential, but I don’t seem to be able to unlock that potential yet.  It’s so hard for me to break into a conversation, and yet so frustrating to stand around wanting to be a part of a conversation.  I’m finding I can have short one to one conversations, but I’m struggling to take that into established groups.  I tried a social occasion, and it just didn't work out, so I put that down to it not being the right time.  I've tried to explain how things could be more open and accessible to help me with my role, but as yet, things are still the same.  I feel a bit like I’m doing what I’m being asked and called to do with my hands tied behind my back.  When I’m given the time and freedom to get to understand what’s going on, it’s really good.  There have been times when it’s been really difficult though.

Like so many situations, it’s not one single thing which causes me to not cope – it’s when many things collide with me at once.  Unfortunately, finding ways of getting things out of my head has been quite impossible at times, and there have been times where I have imploded, and even worse, exploded on one occasion resulting in damage to a door.  The only good thing about that a family member was at their door to calm me down afterwards.  The problem with emotions for me is understanding exactly what’s there, and then dealing with them both there and then, and in the longer term.  Over the summer, it’s led to a prolonged period of stress related symptoms, which had physical effects on me.  At times, I would react to any little issue, as did my body on one or two occasions, leaving me stuck on the toilet for longer than I would like to have been.  It’s also meant that I've not slept right through the night for over three months now.  I can’t pinpoint why, but 4 to 5 hours at once seems to be my maximum, and then disturbed patches of sleep after that.  If I’m wound up, then I seem to be worse.  After so long, I’m getting used to it, but feeling so tired when things are bad just makes me weaker to handle what’s getting thrown at me, and more negative about what hasn't actually happened.  It’s this that I’m struggling to deal with at the moment.

When I have nothing going on, I can’t distract my mind.  For a long time, I've struggled to hide things and focus on other things.  When negative things go on, my mind goes straight back to all of this, and sometimes I can spend several hours getting into a better frame of mind, to have that time wasted by a short, simple action or conversation change.  To be honest, I’m struggling to work out what I can do to make things better, and put myself in a better place.  I feel that I need a new job, to allow me to be my own person, and to be able to work on the strengths I have, in a free environment which is separate to the rest of my life.  Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find this opportunity – whatever I've tried has so far been rejected and full of difficult scenarios and frustrations.

Some people have suggested various things, from taking a holiday to moving out of home, to getting a girlfriend.  Well, taking a holiday just means I have to come back to what I've left behind.  Having two days off is as close as I've got, and it’s becoming more and more hassle to have time away, and even then, getting my mind away from what I have to come back to has been really tough.  As for moving out, those few who really understand me realise that the problem isn't there.  Aside from the financial impact, being around even less people seems to be a backward step, and I’m scared that I’d be even further away from making progress than I am now.  As for a girlfriend, well, I shall talk about having a best friend instead, as that’s perhaps slightly closer to what I keep wishing I had.  I don’t know whether it’s a single one person, or a group of people, but for me, close friends are quite elusive and rare.  I can’t just go up to someone and say “I want to be best friends with you”.  Let’s be honest, some people given a chance to read this will just ignore it.

I just want the opportunity to have someone or a group of people who I can just naturally interact with, without any barriers or it feeling hopelessly awkward to arrange pretty much any opportunity to share things.  I dream of a peaceful place, to just be laying down, with a best friend at my side, and just being at peace.  There’s something about meeting with someone that’s quite different to messaging online, something better, something peaceful.  Being at peace that I am free of the torment of life at the moment, and knowing I am coping once again.  I find peace hard to come by at the moment.  I find friendships hard to realise their potential, and there are too many awkward things getting in the way of the little signs of hope.  I don’t really understand how to deal with them – I just keep praying for the right opportunities with the handful of people who do give me their time and thoughts, and encouragement.  And occasionally, I can give them something back.  Like a real friendship, equal between friends.  Peace.  Love.  A hug or two.  Somewhere out there…

Lord, hold me in this moment of peace.

Somewhere out there, are friends who are as equal to me, as I am to them, friends who love me just as I love them, friends who can encourage me, just as I can encourage them, friends who I can share with, just as they can share with me.

Lord, break down the awkwardness and the barriers between me and those people who I can gain trust in, those special people who won’t walk away, who won’t forget about me when I move on when other things don’t work out.

Lord, help me discover who my friends really are, and what we can work on, and discover together.  Thank you, that we already have a best friend – Jesus.  Thank you that He’s already died, died to take away my pain, died to save me from this torment, and together, we can fight this battle, come closer, and pick up those close friends along the walk of life.

Amen.

Circles, Cycles & Holes

So far in 2014, I seem to have been in and out of holes in my life.  I think I’ve had 3 cycles of this now, where I’ve had periods of really struggling, and just when I think I’ve pulled through, it hits me again, and I struggle.  Each hole seems to be deeper than the last one somehow – maybe because so many of the things which make me feel so bad aren’t actually getting dealt with – they’re just hiding for a while, or I am handling them when everything doesn’t happen at once.

So – where to start?  I guess I’d better get the biggest thing out of the way first, and that’s work.  As I’ve said before, work is hard enough at the best of time, but with recent staff shortages on top of everything else, it’s come down to me to be at fault for everything that goes on.  It seems to be OK for everyone to blame me, but I can’t blame them, otherwise I’m in the wrong.  I’m not allowed to get angry, but people are perfectly OK to get angry at me.  I’m not allowed to be upset, because it’s unprofessional.  So, I go home upset, and then I can’t be upset there either, because there’s nothing I should be upset about.  And so the whole cycle builds up and builds up, with no room to release anything.

It seems that it’s OK when I get by-passed in my job, but not OK that I should need to know what’s gone on when I’ve been cut out.  I continue to get little respect for needing time to do my job – either that others promise things before I can do my part of the work, or that the parts I’m buying should already have arrived.  I’m under pressure constantly over why parts aren’t arriving, yet they know it’s out of my control.  I try to address where shortfalls in parts supply occurs, but suppliers just seem uninterested in listening, let alone dealing with issues.  It’s become clear that I’m seen as a hassle, and indeed one supplier admitted they have a problem dealing with me.

With those companies who I do have any form of working relationship with, it seems too often that’s it’s only with some of the people it should be, either because some people find me difficult or won’t deal with me, or because the way things work necessitates the need to always deal with the people who understand how to best make the situation work, or maybe more those who are allowed to make the situation work.  Then, I have to work out whether or not I’m being told the truth, and whether or not they are being fair and realistic.  Easier said than done.  Too many times now, I’ve found out down the line that companies haven’t been honest, or I’ve been stabbed in the back.  Sadly, it seems to be the way of the motor factor business, that not one company can offer a truthful service without ripping the customers off.  Some of the things I’ve found out recently are very worrying, yet I am still trying to find people to discuss these matters with from the companies involved, mainly because they don’t seem to want to realise there are issues.  I keep getting fobbed off with excuses and that I will just be wasting my time.  In that case, I’m already wasting my time.  The time will come where I will just have to start forcing people to take notice, as I am not happy with what I am being told, and I am finding it impossible to deal with the dishonesty.

The problem here is that it’s both parts of my job which are giving me hassle.  The satisfaction I had from the purchasing side is decreasing because of the amount of hassle and aggravation involved, and the continual need to seek the full picture, and sometimes find the truth.  I don’t understand why big companies think they can get away with how they conduct business – it’s obvious to me, yet obviously not to other customers.  Therefore, it puts me out on my own, and therefore, I am seen as a problem to deal with, and therefore, I get nowhere.  Just another cycle I can’t break free from.

So, I try things, and they don’t work.  At the moment, this cycle seems never ending.  When I finish work, work doesn’t finish, at least not for my parents.  The last two weekends have been interrupted by work spilling into each of them, as was Easter weekend.  Bank Holiday weekend a couple of weeks ago was the worst – the Sunday afternoon (so right in the middle of the weekend) saw a family barbeque for my cousin’s birthday.  As the weather was fine, we decided to walk round.  Then the work letters came out to deliver on the way.  And then the conversation went to work.  And then when the detour started to deliver these letters, I just kept on walking.  I’d just spent a day and a half not having to deal with all this, and yet I was forced back into thinking about it all.  When I got to the party, I was fairly upset and a bit angry.  I think this was picked up on, and to the grateful thanks of my aunt and uncle, I was able to just be away from my parents, and all of the issues.  I was able to usefully help with the actual barbeque, and I stayed for several hours after my parents left, when I could talk to people, when I could be more open, and when I could simply be me.  I can’t say it was necessarily enjoyable, but it was at least peaceful for me.

Generally, time outside of work seems to be spent trying to get work out of my system.  For 3 months or so, I’ve been on a Freedom in Christ course, which gave me something in the middle of the week to aim at again, and kind of pulled through the week.  Now that’s finished, I don’t have a replacement for it, so every evening is just normal, and 5 days is so often a long time to keep trying.  I find that if I don’t get through one day, and I don’t get it out, then I never get through any other days until I can get a break.  Sometimes, the weekends don’t give me that break, and so the whole things goes on for a few weeks, in which time I become more stressed, more angry, more sleep deprived, and so the cycle goes on, and the hole gets deeper.

Most evenings, I try to spend time socialising with a group of people on what is basically a chat server, although we often play some kind of railway simulation, or sometimes just chat.  As with any group, there are those people who are just part of the group, those who I don’t get on with, and one or two who I could call friends.  I find those who I don’t get on with seem to get in the way of those I do get on with, and so as many times as trying to make things better, I feel worse for being ignored, or even sometimes deliberately cut out.  I don’t understand why, but as difficult as I find some people, they probably find me equally as difficult, especially when I’m struggling.  People say I’m “two-faced” – which I probably am.  I’m probably a completely different person when I’m struggling to cope with all that’s being put on me, to the person I am when I’m relaxed.  It’s said that fun comes from social interaction with others – I can relate to that – just that for me, that fun only seems to be with certain people (or maybe without certain people), if the circumstances are right.  The problem is that in my limited group of friends, those friends find being sociable much easier, have more friends, and do other things in life which means they have less time for me than I do for them, meaning quite frequently I get left with no friends.  Whilst this is really hard at the times it happens, it’s the way of the world.

At weekends, sometimes I have more options.  I’m finding that I either need something to do to keep me occupied to myself, or I need to get away from home and therefore, be just me.  The opportunities to meet with anyone for much more than passing the time of day are nearly impossible to organise, and when it happens, it’s usually by chance.  People say to me that I should go away more, or have a trip out, but I can soon start using what money I have to do these things, and find that I hit just the same problems, having wasted a lot to feel no better.  Therefore, I tend not to go far, and stick to things which I at least partially know.  If I do plan something which takes me further afield, I generally try to make sure that either enough people I know and get on with will be there, or that there is a specific activity happening for long enough without other more challenging parts to the day (for example – meeting to do something specific in the afternoon, and then a more open social activity in the evening).  It sometimes takes a lot to get me to do something which isn’t obviously not a challenge to me, and people tell me that I’m not open enough to trying things – I think because I’ve had so many situations where I’ve put myself out, to have gained nothing, or even to have made the situation worse, all for a lot of effort in the process.  It’s just easier to try and cope with what I have close to me.

Aside from keeping work out of my weekends as much as possible, the other major challenge I’ve been facing, and indeed still am facing, surrounds being able to be freely part of a church community.  I’ve discussed parts of this in a previous post already, but in the times of difficulties, all support seemed to disappear.  I asked to talk with people, and three months later, was squeezed into the schedule because one of the matters arising was to be discussed at the following night’s meeting, and nobody had got around to discussing it with me until it was nearly too late.  From the resulting discussions, I was given a reply which was very negative towards me, and contained only the opinions of one or two people, and not the whole group who were supposed to have discussed the matter.  Whilst the leader of the group did make this clear, I have, some months on, not received any further correspondence.

The result was that the church community I thought I was starting, after 15 months, to settle into, was no longer inviting, and just causing me a lot of hassle and upset.  After taking the matter perhaps another step up the ladder, and finding someone who gave me their time and support that the church should have, I was able to try and re-start the battle of finding a church where I could, again, be at home, and worship freely.  Having done this once, and not succeeded once I’d become “not a new person,” I was really struggling to understand why two churches didn’t want me to be a part of their communities, and why the service I was being called to give was being seen as such a problem.

So, I’ve had to start over again.  I had to hit the reset button, and walk away from a fight I couldn’t deal with, and try to find the right place.  I started by trying what I knew.  What you would call my old church – the one I grew up in.  It’s a little weird in the way it’s split into two congregations, and they’re quite different.  I had involvement with both when I worked the PA system, but what happened in one of the groups happened, and I moved on.  I started where I knew I could start, without too much hassle.  That was OK for a few weeks, but I missed that worshipful connection with God.  I eventually forced myself to try the other group, and found I could connect better, but I wasn’t at peace, and with so many people around I just wasn’t comfortable with.

The other difficulty, which has come up since too, is that the traditional form of worship – ie mainly singing often doesn’t mean much to me.  I feel worship through the sounds, and how things fit together and flow – hence why I ran the PA system previously, in a couple of churches at one time or another.  By the second or third week, something just wasn’t right, and it was blocking my connection with God.  It got so bad one week, that I took action.  The PA desk had, for some reason, been left ‘live’ and unattended, and when the notices were given, the system produced instant feedback.  And then it happened again.  I got up, walked over to where the equipment was, and turned it down!  Even then, something still wasn’t right.  I’d run the system for many years before things in the past happened, so I knew how it worked, and had a rough idea how things should have been set.  To put this into simple terms, the power of the sound had been turned right up instead of the volume, which made a very strong sound, and a system very susceptible to feedback.  This was never the way I had been taught, and I set about putting it right.  I’d already adjusted one microphone before the person operating the equipment returned, and was already adjusting the next one for the same reasons.  I explained what I had done, and why I had done it, but the concern was that “it’s been set up to work for anyone,” and I was altering that.  Well, the person who supposedly set the system up this way was the same person who taught me what I know, and this set up system was quite different from what he taught me.

When it came for the first opportunity for me to move away, I couldn’t get up.  I was pinned to the seat.  So, I stayed, and continued to sort out the various settings, some of which were completely backwards to anything I knew.  I kept getting questioned and complained at.  I ended up making small adjustments bit by bit so as to stop the constant complaints, and it took the whole service to stop the piano feel like it was pinning me against the back wall of the church!  I was left at the equipment at the end of the service, and several people came over and said thank you, and some had felt the difference.  I was told by one person that “it’s like riding a bike – you never forget.  When are you coming back on the rota?”  I felt at peace, that I had done what was called of me, walked with the Lord, worshipped and served Him.  And then it all fell apart.  I was called over by the same people who had called me a few years ago, and told that I should not have had any involvement once the original problem had been dealt with.  I was left feeling completely destroyed, and just like I’d been pushed back through the door I’d walked through, and had it slammed shut in my face.

I really struggled for a few weeks after that, stuck between places I was uncomfortable with, or places which just weren’t fulfilling.  In the weeks where the two congregations were joined together, I just stayed away.  I felt unable to face the hassle.  Eventually, I managed to bring myself to starting again.  I talked previously about being called to a different church, and ended up sorting out some issues with their technical systems as the person normally responsible for this was on holiday.  At the time I felt welcome, and there are a few people there who I know.  I decided that I had to try something that at least wasn’t completely foreign first, so I’ve been there for a few weeks now, trying to see if I can fit in.  So far, I am hopeful.  It’s challenging before and after the services, trying to find people to have conversations with without just going frozen, or not knowing what to say.  I’m trying to engage in conversation, but it’s really hard work.  I think I’m making progress?  Time will tell.

I pray that I can find a place to be at home with God, and that the people called to be there will treat me for who I am, and I can access the opportunities to walk with God, and to serve as I am called.  I’ve been here before, and things haven’t worked out.  I’m trying something which is incredibly challenging, in the hope I’m trying the right place.  If I can start feeling comfortable, and grow in some confidence, then that will help a lot.  If I can find something in the middle of the week to aim at through the difficult working week, then that would help too.  It’s something that I’ve never managed to work out for a regular, long term period.  I’d really like to find a bible study group, or similar, which I could be a part of, contribute to, and grow friendships which could help on so many levels.  I’ve tried before, and had some bad experiences, and I think that makes me very cautious.  I pray into this too, that God will show me a place of comfort.

And as for my calling of worship through operating PA and visual systems previously – well, for the moment that’s had to go on hold.  I’ve got to find the right place to be comfortable in the Lord’s presence first, and then seek out any opportunities.  Whether or not I can re-ignite the passion I had for putting songs together and feeling out ways to work with a group of musicians I really don’t know – it was this which probably caused so many issues at my last church, and something which they cut off.  I know what comes from God, and it’s really hard when that gets cut out.  I pray to the Lord that the right opportunities will come along.

Then I have the rest of the cycles and holes to try to break free from.  If I move out of home, then I get space from work, but the work issues won’t change, and then I’ll be tight for money at best, and have the hassle of having to do things in time when I now have to try and switch off from things.  I keep searching for options for a different job, but nothing seems to be moving anywhere fast.  People tell me I could do a job, but then when it comes to there actually being a vacancy, I’m either not experienced enough, don’t have enough confidence at interview, or I get ruled out by people who know me because I’m in the family business, or because I’m seen as a “challenging option.”  I really have no idea how I would cope in a different environment, not working for my parents, but I would quite like to have the option of trying it.  Sooner or later, my parents will retire, and I just can’t see me being able to run the family business on my own.  I’d like to be able to earn enough money to have options in life, and be my own person.

I’d like to try and find a group of close friends to be an equal part of that group.  At the moment, I really don’t know where this could come from, or how to best approach it.  Everyone I know already has close friends, and I’ve never been able to do this myself.  Let’s be honest – who wants to be friends with someone in my situation, who finds simply being positive so difficult a lot of the time.  I know I’m not easy to be around, but I just want a chance to build friendships, and have a job where I can be open, honest and hard-working towards something that isn’t stressing me out every day, and allows me to move forwards, and be positive.  I don’t want to be stuck in this cycle going around and around, constantly having to try to pull myself out of these big holes I’m in.

But here I am.  This is me.  There’s no point in pretending everything’s OK when it’s not – I have to do that at work several times each day when people ask “how are you?”  There’s no point in being dishonest – yet so many people are with me.  There’s no point in ignoring my difficulties, or trying to side-step the problems I face each day – they just come back, and plenty of people try to ignore or get around me, and what I know.

Lord – show me hope – show me the way forwards…

Fight or Flight?

Please feel free to comment on what you read - it's been quite a while since anyone commented on here, so I hope I'm not talking to myself!  Hopefully things I'm going through may still be relevant to others.  Is there anything you would like me to discuss in a future blog, or try and give an opinion on?

Since my last post, I’m sorry to say that many of the things which happened then have come back and hit even harder.  I’m continuing the never ending fight, but it’s become apparent that I’ve either got the wrong things going on, or I’m just not managing to fight them the right way.

Firstly, I mentioned the model railway club that I’d been an active member of for some years, which I had left following a difficult period ending with a very difficult meeting.  People keep discussing ideas about my involvement, and keep suggesting ideas as to why things happened.  As yet, there seems to be no willingness to deal with what happened, apart from an acknowledgement that what happened was wrong.  A few weeks’ time sees the AGM (Annual General Meeting), and I’m currently unsure whether or not I should go, maybe only to at least represent myself.  I just have the gut feeling that the whole situation will be brushed under the carpet, and I would be wasting my time.

Moving onto the other group of people I chat with sometimes.  Well, my involvement in that group seems to have ended following what seems like a remarkably similar situation to the model railway club above.  Two or three people have got together to conspire against my emotions, and drive me out.  As with the model railway club, the people in charge either aren’t able or don’t want to either do anything about the situation, or even give me any support or stand by me.  Like the model railway club, the two or three real friends I’ve made over the time I was a part of the group are just lost to me within the rest of the people.  In both cases, the positive times when things fit together for me are really good, but in both situations, there seem to be so many negatives overpowering the positives, that it’s time to move on.

At the moment, there’s a third situation which is has similar problems, but it’s the one closest to me, as it’s affecting my faith and relationship with God.  I talked previously about my involvement with the worship group at the church I have been at for just over a year.  Well, over the past few weeks, it has become apparent that the church either doesn’t want, or its leadership won’t accept a worship group – preferring instead to just have a music group.  It was termed to me that because nobody was accredited to lead worship, then it had to be classified as just a music group.  My role running the PA (sound) system was called into question, as was my involvement in the now downgraded music group.  In short, I often find worship through singing very difficult.  Growing up, I continued to find this very difficult, until I was invited to assist with the sound system in a junior church group.  I then started running the sound system at the church I was part of at the time, and developed worship through the sound and feel of those leading the worship, and spreading that through the church and leading that worship to the people.  When the situation happened a few years ago which shut that door to worship, it left me feeling like I’d been failed.

Now, it’s happening again.  Only this time, I’m probably more conscious that I need to stay strong in faith, that the right place and opportunities will be forthcoming over time.  However, right now, the door is closed to what I know.  Worse still, the couple of friends I’d made are lost to me.  One person I thought I could trust, and I thought we understood each other, but it seems I’ve been let down.  Another has gone quiet on me (I’ll come back to this later).  As a group, decisions were made to try and move forwards, and ask about other groups within the church about trialling different things, except two months later, I found my suggestions had gone no further.  As I tried to discuss things with the leadership, I was met with closed doors, and simply no interest in even trialling one of the things discussed.  Eventually I was able to meet on a one to one basis to discuss these and other things, but that took three months, and by now, others seem to have already made the decisions without understanding why I made the suggestions.  In short, the door seems to have closed which allows me freedom to worship in a way I can relate to.  And so, I’ve had to move on.  Even after a year, there were only a handful of people I felt able to talk to and what you might call socialise with, although it was perhaps more passing the time of day.

So, having moved on from the model railway club, from the group I chatted with, and church life having changed so much, it has meant I’ve lost one or two friends from each who I could, at times and when others involved allowed it to happen, talk to.  I’ve always felt lonely at times, but I feel as lonely now as I ever have.  It’s not that I don’t interact with others, just that I’m really struggling to find one, two or a small group of people I can talk to without fear that things might not be kept to themselves, or that I will be misunderstood, or that I will just end up in this same situation shortly afterwards of being shut out.  My problem is everyone else has their own close friends, and their own groups of friends, where as I am out on my own.  I can’t seem to break into any groups, and I can’t seem to have a two way close friendship, which usually takes me too long to realise – that is that I open up too far before realising I shouldn’t have.  I thought I was making a bit of progress with finding friends I could talk to, but with all these doors closing, those friends I’d made seem to have gone with them.  I’ve tried getting in touch with them separately, and with a couple of others who showed encouragement and support about meeting up, but weeks later, I’m still waiting for a single reply.  That seems to be where I’m at – nobody wants to be friends with me who doesn’t understand things, gets easily upset, and doesn’t want to be exciting or outgoing – just able to cope with life, and not feel alone.

I’m trying one or two things to try and replace these closed doors, and as yet, I’m not totally sure whether they’re the right thing.  I’ve been on a couple of walks with a group from one of the local churches.  The first one was a real opportunity to talk about a few things.  The second one was less so, although I’m in a more difficult place at the moment compared with a few weeks ago.  I’ve also joined a Freedom in Christ course at the suggestion of one of the few people who is giving me some time and encouragement at the moment.  I did this some years ago, but a lot has happened, and a lot has changed since then.  I’ve found some weeks OK, some weeks I’ve been able to actively be a part of some really constructive discussions and understandings.  Two weeks, however, have been much more difficult.  I think on both occasions things weren’t good before I went, and on both occasions, I was unable to be open with the other people.  At times, I felt unable to give open answers to questions.  At the start of one week, one of the opening questions saw my answer refer to a couple of the events from my past, which didn’t really set things going in the right direction.  I think I then spent the rest of the evening trying to say as little as possible, trying not to cause any more upset and negative feelings on top of what was already there.  Then I was confronted with being told I had to deal with the exact issues I’ve described here – struggling to be a part of a group that doesn’t understand me.  People tell me that I should do lots of things I’ve either tried or don’t understand.  Then I was told that I am using autism is a front, and am hiding behind it, and using it as an excuse.  Why is it people who don’t understand me can’t just leave away, and leave it to people who do want to take time to make constructive and realistic suggestions.

Anyway, I move on before I get quite angry.  There is one more major place full of issues still – that being work.  Of all the things I’m fighting at the moment, this one just won’t go away.  I’m still fighting my parents, and our suppliers on a daily basis.  I don’t seem to be winning either battle.  On one front everything is fine as long as it’s my fault, and everyone can blame me for it, and on the other, I just wish people would be honest, and sort things they say they will sort, and repeatedly don’t.  I have to battle this every day.  When I don’t cope, I struggle to contain either my anger or emotions (or both), and then I get told I’m unprofessional because I get worked up and stressed out.

Then once in a while, I get freedom, and the chance to actually be taken seriously, or at least it appears that way.  The meeting I got invited to was even allowed to happen, although it was made clear afterwards that not everyone was entirely happy about it.  Quite whether anything positive will actually come of the meeting is yet to become apparent.  Indeed, I’ve yet to work out quite what the purpose of it was, other than probably to try and obtain information from me.  Whether or not I gave enough, or too much, I don’t know.  The whole situation is really difficult having to play suppliers against each other, and then dealing with the accusations which follow.  I just wish they would all be honest, and then we would know exactly where we stand, and they would too.  As it is, I’m caught playing the game, all the time.  Trouble is, not many people understand the game, including my parents and colleagues, so there are plenty of opinions going around about how much time I apparently waste.  It’s good from time to time to be able to say that this has been sorted, and that has been dealt with at last, but its frustration and being ignored more often than not.

On top of it all, I have customers to deal with.  I won’t repeat what I’ve previously said, but even after nearly ten years, it gets no easier.  Just now, when I ask for help, I just get told that if I can’t do my job, then I should find one where I don’t have to deal with customers.  Then there’s not being allowed to show emotions or anger, and threats of various things including not being needed, and being told I need help.  I’ve even been told I should go and see a doctor.  Last time I tried, I was accused of wasting their time, as they couldn’t understand why I went.

I’ve said it many times now, that when someone out there takes me seriously, and accepts me for who I am, then I may be able to move forwards, whether that be at work, in a different job, with building a friendship or two or three, or in rebuilding the broken bridges which will take my life somewhere other than hurt and pain.  In closing, I will add that there are many more things going on, but I can’t talk about them all on here, as people tend to get upset if I talk about things too close.  I’m already fighting people close to me who think I should delete this whole blog, as it shouldn’t be in the open.  But then, they’re the people who don’t understand me – just dangerously think they do.

Finally, I have to bring this all to God in prayer – I give to Him all the things written here, and the many more things in my head, and ask Him to take them away, and replace them with peace and blessings and strength to move forwards, fight what I need to fight, and leave what I need to leave behind.  I allow Him to take the negatives away.  I say sorry to those reading this who may know they are in this post, and may not agree with what I’ve put.  I ask for forgiveness from both them and God for the way I see things.  I pray for guidance in finding some real, long-lasting two way friendships and I pray for hope that I can start being less dominated by negativity, and taken over by happiness and fulfilment, in some positive things going on in life.  Amen.

New Year, New Start?

This has turned out to be probably the longest post I’ve written, and has taken me several days to write.  There’s a lot of stuff in here, which some people reading may know about, and be able to relate to.  I’ve tried to be as open and honest and truthful as I can be, without naming people or organisations, and without directly hurting anyone.  I’m bound to have done at least one of those things, so I apologise in advance.  I pray that anyone who reads this will understand that it’s not been a pleasant experience going through these things, and indeed I’ve been upset writing this in places.  I would like to take this opportunity to thank those people who have had a part in this story, either in a small or big part, and especially those who have talked with me and prayed for the things which have happened, and I hope will happen moving forwards.  Now, it’s all done, and I can move on to the next thing in peace…

Well – yes and no.  My week and a bit off work over Christmas allowed me to go back to work with a sense of really trying to sort stuff out, and try to fight the constant difficulties.  Day one went well.  Day two turned into a complete nightmare.  The usual problem of being expected to diagnose a fault I couldn’t understand, and with no help from the people who were supposed to understand things better than me.

This was the start of nine days where I just didn’t cope.  Just about everything I did fell to pieces.  On the Friday, it was work, Saturday was the fact that going out for breakfast just had to involve Dad dealing with more work stuff, followed by having demands inflicted on my weekend plans meaning I just couldn’t get any space to switch off from all this.  On the Sunday at church, some of the equipment was giving issues, which just destroyed any attempts to be at peace.  Monday came with dealing with Friday’s problems at work, along with the normal difficulties I face every day.  Then came the model railway club in the evening, which was still proving a challenge to find much satisfaction and enjoyment in between all the politics and lack of support.  More of that in a bit.

Tuesday was more of the same with work, followed by an evening at what should be worship practise, but was turning distinctly into music night.  I really struggled to see God in what was going on – to me it was just like I had been shut out.  When we stopped for a drink, of the five people, it was very much like two pairs having conversations, and I felt really left out.  I just couldn’t get into any of the conversations, and the whole thing was just turning into a big snowball.  I think what upset me most was being the way I was, I couldn’t even talk to someone I had taken to be someone I could share things with, and talk to, and relate to.  It just didn’t happen.  After the break, I was in pieces, and broke down again.  I couldn’t bring myself to stay, and I left mid-song – I just had to get out of there.

Work all week was just one hassle after another, and many of the problems are just the same, only I wasn’t coping with them, and I wasn’t getting away from it in the evenings either.  One night I left work on time, completely fed up that my Dad wouldn’t stop and come home, only to be shouted at for leaving before my work was done – there was nothing on my desk at closing time, and I left them to it.  I’d already had no lunch break, and was accused of sitting at the computer doing nothing all day.  I wish!  The week ended on Friday teatime – except it didn’t.  On Saturday morning, I was basically expected to go to breakfast, and listen to my Dad give testimony about how he came to be in business, and bring a family member’s car back to work afterwards.  I had little choice, as someone was needed to drive the second car.  So, being in at a very low point, my weekend started on Saturday lunchtime – I just wanted some space (finally) to reset, and try to regain any sense of controlling myself.

On top of all this, that night I lost friends through a misunderstanding within a group of friends I regularly chat with on a chat server.  Whatever I said was taken in a different way, and I was basically banned from saying anything, so I had little choice but to leave the group.  The two or three people I really get on with were cut off.  In short, all these things had fallen apart on me in the same week, and with everyone having a say on what I should do with any of my own time, I was breaking down in either anger or emotions/tears at least twice each and every day, and was struggling to regain any sense of relaxation, peace or friendship to try and rebuild.  I felt like I did 3 years or so ago, when the same downward spiral hit.  Back then, it took me over nine months to come out the other side.

As I looked forward on the Saturday night, I saw a lot of darkness, anger, stress and bad feelings towards just about everything.  I prayed, and prayed and prayed.  I prayed mostly about the next day, Sunday, that I could find a turning point.  All I saw was the church, with the issues from the previous Tuesday night when I walked out of “music night”, with the minister who is known for being disorganised and late arranging everything preaching the next day, and together with a shared lunch afterwards, the whole thing just freaked me out.  I prayed where God wanted me, and as I slept, I had a dream of being in a different church, dealing with a problem there.

So, determined to go to a church somewhere, whether it be my normal church, the one I grew up in, or somewhere else.  I had the sense of being called somewhere else, so I went there.  I figured I might know some people there, but walked in a bout 3 minutes before the service, and hadn’t been given a hymn book before I was greeted with “ah, hello Daniel – you know about technical things and computers don’t you…”  Well, it turned out that the person who normally deals with the technical stuff there was away, and his replacements couldn’t get the song words onto the projector screen.  I was asked if I could help, so I had a go.  The service started, and I couldn’t get the software normally used to put any words onto the screen.  I did, by the second song, manage to have the words copied and pasted into another program which would put the words onto the screen, and all was well – aside from the next 15 or 20 minutes copying and pasting the other words for the other songs!  I was able to sit back and listen to what was being said by the preacher.  I had a real sense of purpose from God that morning, and I think everyone there knew it.

The potentially awkward time after the service was helped by the amount of people who were able to share in my calling to be there, and help get around the problems, but also by being able to talk to someone about some of the things I was feeling, and get them out in the open.  This was the first time in nine days when I didn’t break down – indeed I was starting to feel ready to try and fight things.

So, trying to move on and move forwards.  I didn’t go to the model railway club on the Monday evening as normal, deciding I wasn’t feeling strong enough to handle that.  Instead, I went to a prayer group meeting, intending at least to be doing something with God to get me away from everything else.  I was able to share some of the stuff going on, and was able to pray for peace.  I was able to have a conversation with someone I had hardly ever spoke to before, and felt comfortable doing so, and sharing in a time of prayer with them.

I had, during the previous week, arranged to speak with someone about some of the church stuff that was going on, and given the amount of things which had fallen apart, I’d arranged this at the same time as “music night” would normally be going on.  At the time, it didn’t bother me as I was just really lost in what was right and wrong, and what to fight and walk to move on from.  It’s not very often I am able to actually talk over things with someone who shows a caring interest, and I know I had to go a little outside of the normal people I perhaps “should” be talking to (according to some), but with so many doors appearing closed at the time, I searched for someone who would have the time to listen to me, and found saints sent by God in places other than the immediately obvious.

I came out of that prayerful discussion with a sense of needing to reset and refocus, and needing to work out what in my life to fight the battles with, and that there were some things I need to leave behind.  Anyway, after that meeting, I felt called on to go and try one of the things I had found problems with, and explore whether to leave the worship group at my church, or to see about fighting my way back in.  Given they were meeting, I arrived, somewhat late, but was able to find my place, and chat with some of the people, and assure the sense of peace that my calling from God still had a purpose there.

The one thing I can’t walk away from is work (well – I could, but living at home with my parents having just walked out of the family business could be perhaps perceived as a little too stressful), and without money coming in, I would not be able to have much of a living away from home.  So, I have to fight it.  It’s probably the biggest thing causing me the biggest headaches (literally at times), and is something I’m struggling with.  Especially difficult is having to do things I don’t understand, and having no back up when I get these things wrong, or just am unable to make a decision which should not be mine to make.  Put this together with dealing with the public, which can sometimes be really difficult when I don’t understand them, or they don’t understand me, and I find myself just wanting to go home.  When I get home, it doesn’t finish.  As I’ve already said, work often overspills into home life, and I seem to get a lot of hassle if I blank work stuff when I’m not at work.

Aside from that, I started to explore, now in a better frame of mind, and coping most of the time at least, where I was being led, and where I was perhaps being led away from.  I was able to start the weekend on the Friday evening this week, and was able to be back in my church with the worship group.  Although some things are still being worked on, and some of the equipment isn’t perfect, I was able to be in touch with God, and cope when glitches did come along.  This week at what I will refer to as worship practice, as in my opinion, it actually was for the fist time for a few months, I actually felt as though I was an equal in the group for the first time for about the same period of time.  I felt free enough to have an input, which was at least being considered and things tried out.  I can’t work out if it was me, or others, or something just not being right with God, but this week felt a lot better.

On the Sunday morning, I was able to say a prayer with everyone involved before the service (yes – everyone was actually organised and ready well in time) which I can’t remember what I said, other than it was obviously in connection with God.  Sometimes when you’re asked to lead a prayer, it can be very much you, but I know when I’m doing the right thing, as I’m in so much peace, and I was then.  It was questioned why the preacher needed the radio microphone, as everyone said he had a strong voice, and didn’t need it.  I pointed out that the deaf person sat at the back under the noisy heater might benefit from the amplification, and so the microphone was used.

So, when it came to the final hymn which nobody seemed to know, I was able to turn the microphone up so the preacher could lead the singing, and everyone picked the hymn up.  So, it seems at the moment, that I am being called to stay with the worship group at my normal church, and to fight some of the barriers which seem to stop me being totally free to worship openly in the way I can do.  There seems to be this idea that worship is just about singing – for me at least it’s about the feeling in the room being connected with God, and when I’m running the PA desk, I being a part of making that feeling and connection.  There are still regular times when I want to be able to pray openly, but it doesn’t seem to be liked by the church leadership when I’ve done this once or twice.  The biggest short term battle will be dealing with the late organisation sometimes, and the last minute requests which happen too often.  I mentioned above that I took myself away from this when I wasn’t coping at all, and even when I am coping, there have been situations where this late organisation has taken my connection with God away.  I pray for these people, that God may find the time for things to happen to allow us all to cope with what is being asked of us, and these situations will become rarer and less stressful.

Staying with the worship group briefly, one other thing which has been a struggle was being asked to be a part of something months ago, to be sent an e-mail two days before saying I wasn’t required.  When I’d specifically arranged other things to happen at a different time to allow me to be a part of a one-off event, it came as a bit of a kick in the teeth to be cut out.  Then again, I’m used to people I thought were my friends cutting me out of things – it happened a number of times when I was feeling low and people just found it easier to cut me out rather than help me.  I find it hard enough finding, making and keeping friends, without being cut out by others, and often that means I don’t get to see the friends I do have away from the groups at which we are both a part of.  In the worship group, it’s just like this.  At the model railway club, it’s just the same.  There are a handful of people I get on with, but plenty more I either get on with whilst I’m there, or indeed don’t get on with.

I really struggle with having friends close enough to just be able to talk to – there’s either other people in the way, or I just can’t work things out to be able to see them separately – in some cases there’s physical distance, and in others, they always seem to be busy.  I find it annoyingly hard to basically invite myself round to someone’s house, or go out for a drink with someone.  It seems like there’s always an excuse, or a better offer.  I’m well aware I’m not perhaps the most fun person to be around, but I seem to be stuck in my own life, and don’t seem to have the friends and help and support that everyone else does.

Moving on, I am continuing to battle with work.  On the days I am left to do my reception and purchasing job, I generally cope, unless I am dealing with difficult customers, or with customers where I’ve not been given the information needed to tell them what’s happening.  I can cope with the purchasing side of things much better.  The major frustration here is dealing with big companies who treat us as being really small, and won’t do anything about the issues and errors I have to work with every day.  One has even removed the facility to report errors with their catalogue, although they haven’t fixed things reported over six months ago, and don’t seem interested.  I’ve said it for a long time – the day I get taken seriously at work, will be the day I get a chance to move forwards.  For the last ten years, and until this happens, I keep trying – it’s all I can do.

So, I have the things I am fighting, along with some smaller things which don’t occur very regularly.  There are also the things I’ve moved away from.  Aside from certain difficult situations at church, the biggest of these changes was at the model railway club, where I had been roster clerk and a committee member for some time.  In the past six months or so, there have been various issues perceived with my involvement, or according to some, lack of involvement.  At the previous committee meeting, I agreed to continue in my roles, subject to review at the next meeting, after being given little option but to resign after one person took the roster I had written, and the exhibition into their own hands, for, in my opinion, their own personal preference and gain.

The result of which was an agreement over rostering principles (most of which were pretty much existing anyway), and that the committee would support any roster written in accordance with these principles.  The members would be asked to give their agreement to the assumptions I was making.  The actual result was a reduction in flexibility from some members (again, to suit their own preferences), leading to 3 very difficult exhibitions before the matter could be reviewed.  That meeting was last week.  I knew this meeting, just like the last one, would be difficult.  In the previous meeting, I had just about got through it, with a lot of prayer and support from the church and my family.  This time, I asked for that same support.  I got through the previous meeting basically as nobody voiced a combined disagreement against what I was doing, and although there was a supposed agreement, it was more that nobody disagreed, or at least openly admitted their disagreement.  This became apparent in between the meetings when these people did not give any support, or assist me when asked.

This time, I was asked what the situation was.  Then I was told very abruptly why the original situation occurred, or at least another, different version of the story, which seems to have changed over six months.  When I was eventually allowed to finish, without being shot down, I was asked if I wished to continue.  At this point, I was asked if I wished to continue with the role in question.  I said yes, if the others would give the support agreed in the last meeting.  Then two others started accusing me of only going to the club to operate the railway, and not being involved in maintaining it.  I was also accused of cancelling club nights be e-mailing people to say I wasn’t going on a given week.  The members who travel distance asked to be told if numbers were likely to be short, yet the committee told me I shouldn’t be doing this.  I was really starting to struggle by now, and was starting to switch my attention away, and to how I was going to get out.  I was asked again if I wished to continue as roster clerk, to which I replied “no, not without the support of the committee”.  Then it kicked off again, and more accusations were made, and people telling me I should put more effort into things I wasn’t doing.  I went to push myself up three times to walk out there and then, but somehow I didn’t.  When I was visibly in tears, the meeting was called to order, and I was asked for a third time if I wished to continue as roster clerk, to which I again replied “no”.  I couldn’t manage much of an explanation this time, and I don’t think I actually gave one, but it was apparent that four others were set against me, and the other two just sat there.  Without any support, I was basically given no choice.

The rest of the meeting passed me by – I managed to sit there, and compose myself just about.  At the end, some of the people just left, and it left me there, with nobody really wanting to talk about anything, not even the person who up to that point I had talked to, and had understood me, and had, up to then, supported me.  I was left out cold, and I wasn’t coping.  I managed to drive home – I discussed some things in the car with the friend I was bringing back to Lincoln, but wasn’t really able to think very straight.  I didn’t sleep at all that night – my head was just spinning and I was somewhere between an emotional and an angry wreck.

The next day at work wasn’t much better, and I broke down in the afternoon.  I think I cried and cried and cried for about half an hour before being able to plough on with what I was being expected to do.  I prayed, and went back to what I’d discussed earlier in the week, about learning what to fight, and what to move on from.  Everything up to then had seemingly come back together where things had fallen apart.  The model railway club had basically imploded on me, and I had been pushed out.  I spent the whole Friday evening putting a letter of resignation from all of my responsibilities at the model railway club, and just getting all the issues out of my system.  I prayed over it, and sent it off at nearly midnight, and felt a real sense of peace that it was done, and I could move on.  I managed to sleep too.

There are still other things in my life reset which I don’t know the way forward for just yet.  I’m still searching for the answers to some stuff.  One thing I have started, is the Freedom in Christ course following a recommendation from one of the people who gave me their time to talk about things.  I’m hoping it will give me the opportunity to filter out the stuff that is in the way of my relationship with God, and build on what I already know with a fresh insight.  More of that in a separate post, as this one is already rather long.

In closing here, I would like to turn to the Lord, and give thanks that I am coming through some very dark times, and finding my way again, at least some of the time.  2 weeks or so of being really dark is over this time (last time was 9 or 10 months before I coped), so that’s a great start.  I pray for the model railway club and its members, who I’ve left behind – that the roles I have vacated will be filled, and the people who have caused me problems will treat my replacement with more respect and dignity.  I pray for the other things I come into contact with, and the people in those places.  I wish I could make and build friendships like everyone else can, and I wish I could be more positive sometimes.  I seem to dwell on the negative stuff, so I ask the Lord to help me overcome this.

Whatever happens, life will continue to be a challenge.  With no opportunity seemingly available to change the big things, I have to try the little things to give me a way to escape from some of the things going on.  I often wish I could talk to people, or spend time with friends doing normal stuff, instead of it being surrounded by something negative.  I wish could do something simple like just say to someone “come round to my house sometime” without having lots of questions about it.  It’s difficult trying to get an invite to spend time with someone or some people, but it seems to somehow be the way I am.  I give all this to the Lord, and ask Him to take control of it.

One day maybe I’ll be accepted as normal for who I am, and what I can offer – until then, the battle of life goes on…