So, a year
ago, I was just re-igniting my faith after nearly 3 years of feeling shut out
from the church I had grown up in, and feeling rather uncomfortable being
pushed into a room full of people who seemed to always want to judge me. I broke out, and with some guidance from a
couple of close friends and relatives, found a church full of people who saw me
for being me, and not “their son”. A
year on, and I’d really like to say it’s all been plain sailing, but sadly
not. I was invited into the worship
group to run the sound system. We made
numerous changes, solved numerous technical issues, and by the end of the year,
most of those things are now much better.
As the group bonded together during the year, I found I had friends I
could relate to, and work with on a level basis. The highlight was in the autumn, when we put
together an evening of worship songs.
Sadly, since then, things seem to have gone downhill. Some members felt unable to make a commitment
to the group, and we’ve had to change our approach and times for meeting, both
of which have been difficult for me to adjust to (indeed, I haven’t found
something to fill the hole left in my transition between week and weekend), and
our times together have, for me at least, not been the same. We’ve had a couple of instances of going in
the wrong direction, and spending a long time realising it, and then getting
back to the right direction. Hopefully
2014 will see a revival in the good times.
My journey
with the worship group helped me to reach a point where I can honestly say that
the 2 or 3 year gap where my faith was drained away has been bridged, and that
through the other things I have discovered during this year, I believe I am now
stronger than before, and I have a stronger faith. One of the things the Lord has blessed me
with is the ability to pray, both with people, and leading a group of people in
putting things before God. This has
allowed me to become part of the prayer group at my church, and helped me to
feel I can be a part of something. It’s
been a welcome break on two occasions, when I would normally be part of another
group, that when things were very difficult there, I was able to join with the
prayer group, and seek the Lord. In
2014, I look forward to be able to spend more time with others in prayer, and I
hope for opportunities to use this gift more, having been turned away from
opportunities more and more as I’ve pushed for the chances this year.
Within the
church, I tried to become a part of other groups too, but kept facing a
familiar issue – that of being able to relate to what others were saying,
meaning and doing. I tried joining a
bible study group, and struggled with both in relating to the people, and
having the confidence to challenge the discussion or ask things, in a group of
people mainly of a different generation to me.
I felt challenged to try and do something about this, and started
talking with some of the younger generation in the church about trying to start
a bible study group for those of my generation, in the hope that I could relate
better to them, and that not being a new person in an old group would be
easier. Sadly, although there was
interest, I put this idea to one side for the time being when everyone else
felt there weren’t enough people able or willing to make a commitment for the
group to be worthwhile. Since then, I am
still looking and searching for something to fill this gap in my journey.
I mention
above, the other group which had become difficult. That being the model railway club I belong
to, and am a member of the committee at.
The last six months have been the most difficult of the eight and a half
years I have been a member there. In the
summer, it became apparent that some members were not happy with the way the
exhibition rosters were being put together (by myself), and threats were made
at me. I spent 3 days at the exhibition
that weekend, and was ill during the first night, and for about two weeks
afterwards with anything from a cold to flu to dizziness, caused by the stress
of this, and having spent most of the summer with toothache and resulting
infections, and so I was completely drained.
The issue with the threats which were made on the third day left me with
little option but to resign from writing the rosters, and put the decision back
to the committee as to what they wanted to happen next.
I didn’t go
to the weekly club meetings for a few weeks, and indeed it was during this time
when I first went to the church prayer group I mention above. A few weeks later, I had to go to the
committee meeting, amongst other matters, to discuss this matter. It was worse than going to a job interview,
and I just remember sitting there waiting for to be asked to speak. Eventually it came to discussing the
rostering, and two people decided to turn the whole scenario against me by
questioning what active part of the club I would play if I didn’t organise what
I had been doing. It really made me feel
like walking out there and then. A kind
of agreement was made (nobody disagreed, but it was noted that not everyone
particularly agreed). In the months
since, there continue to be issues, which returned at the beginning of this
month, and again left me feeling I was wasting my time and effort. One club night, I took two others to find
that too many regulars were not present to run the railway, and that nobody
else there had bothered to let us know.
Basically, we’d wasted another evening, and a journey for the second
time in 4 weeks. I came home again after
voicing my anger and disgust that nobody thought to us travelling distance know
that there was no point in us coming, and found myself on the phone to the
chairman (who lives away from the local area altogether) at 9:30 that evening
in tears again. At this time, I was
having the changes going on in the worship group, then this, and added to work,
which is still much the same as I’ve described elsewhere, and I just broke
down.
From here, I
spent nearly 3 weeks doing very little that could possibly be vaguely
challenging or stressful, trying desperately to control my anger and stress at
work, and failing more than once, and then trying to release myself from it,
and not succeeding. Then, to top it off,
I tried the one thing which had kept me occupied during the previous month –
that being the railway signalling simulations I test. During this stressful time, events concurred
which made me upset and angry about double standards. When I raised them, I was basically made a
‘scape-goat, and even though others admitted they agreed privately to me,
nobody would publically support me, even though I could prove each and every
one of the points raised over and over again.
As a result, I am being treated with a distinct lack of respect from
some in that community, and being cut out of various projects and discussions
going on. Even today I try to have an
input, and still today I am being slated for trying to explain why something
isn’t working.
And then
there’s all the disruption and hassle that Christmas brings. I hate it more and more every year. All the things I do every week suddenly stop,
and get replaced with nothing. I see my
family most of the year round, and don’t have friends to go to parties with or
whatever else people do. Christmas was
half a day, and then I tried to do normal things, by myself, in between being
pestered over various things related to the decorating of what is apparently to
become my new bedroom. I just wanted to
be able to release from everything else going on, and find peace in myself to
fight all the things I had not been fighting very well for the past month.
Today is day
7 of 8 of my Christmas break, and whilst I’ve not exactly dealt with the
issues, I do feel a bit relaxed. On day
9, everything starts getting back to normal at last. Hopefully, the church worship group will
decide to continue meeting, and we can start re-building our friendships and move
forwards, and return to where we were a few months ago. The model railway club, which was OK on the
first day of last weekend’s exhibition, but so much like I was walking on
eggshells will find a way of dealing with what’s going on which lasts longer
than just a few weeks, and hopefully the software community I work with will
start to understand what I’m trying to input to their work.
And then
there’s me – I just pray that I can start dealing with these situations
properly, instead of continually hiding them.
For me, a new year is just a continuation of the same things – nothing
has ended, and nothing is starting fresh – just the same things, same battles
and the same stresses. This last month
has been the first time that I’ve not coped very well on a day to day basis for
a couple of years (then it took 8 months for me to cope, along with medical
help) – this time I want to fight it without going that way if I can.
This year
I’ve actually managed a two way conversation with someone I call a real friend,
and was able to relate to them, and hopefully them to me. I even managed it more than once. I hope 2014 will bring more times like this,
and perhaps to be able to have friendships not based around dealing with
negative things, but around having good times too. I know I’ve had some brief conversations
electronically with some meaningful things said with one or two people – I wish
they weren’t as brief, and I wish sometimes I had the confidence to actually
propose something more than just a quick chat.
Even in the best of friendships, I always seem to come up against
families or other friends or things which just take time away, or always seeing
my friends with others who I just don’t have the same confidence and trust
in. I think I can think of three
occasions where I’ve had a meaningful and unrestricted time with a friend this
year (two different ones), and maybe half a dozen brief chats. Anything else seems to be either a
“professional” friendship, or just someone who is part of a group. I don’t mean any offence by this, but it’s
just different to me. It would be nice
to grow these half a dozen friendships which have meant something, and not feel
like I’m forcing meetings to happen, or forcing people to spend time with
me. The biggest challenge I face is
being negative so much, especially when things get on top of me. Let’s be honest – who wants to be friends
with someone as grumpy as me – yet so often, I just wish there was someone who
could cheer me up, and make me feel like a normal person. I wish all the glitchiness around my social
being wasn’t there, and I could just have some confidence to help myself make a
difference.
I went away
on holiday (well, a long weekend away) for the first time with a friend this
year – something which was very daunting, but I enjoyed it a lot. For me, it’s all about taking that step into
the unknown, and I did that a few times – some were good, some were awful.
I’d like to
thank that handful of friends who have taken time for me, and who have cared,
and have accepted me for who I am. Those
precious moments which do come around mean so much – I wish they would happen
more often! For me, having friends, and
building and keeping friends is so hard, and I am in a better place than a year
ago, and with your help, I’d like to hope that I will be in a better place
still by this time next year.
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