As I sit here at
the beginning of December, realising I’ve not posted anything for 4 months
nearly, I wonder when the challenges of 2013 will realise movement in a
forwards direction in the future. I kind
of hope for this every year, and up to now, I’m still hoping for a
breakthrough.
I guess this year
has had signs, but so many maybes and what ifs.
I started the year having got back into the house of God, albeit not in
any regular place. As I've written
before, I found a home, and re-established my faith and gifts, and tried to
move forwards. I look back, and I see
that I’ve got back to where I was at a few years ago in faith, and I’ve tried
to build on it, but I’m not sure I’m succeeding. My gifts seem to be flourishing now that I’ve
found a home with a small group of friends who do, at least at times, seem to
understand how I am, and we seem to be able to work and put things together,
and build times of worship.
It’s not without
a few difficulties though – we had an event we were working towards, after
which everything kind of stopped. I
really felt lost when this happened. For
me, it felt like 3 years ago all over again – only this time I was invited to
the follow-up meeting rather than the decision being taken behind my back. We’ve only had one proper practice session
since, and it took me a long time to get into.
What worries me is that I can clear my head enough with everything else
going on to focus on one of only two regular times spent with a group of
friends, without ending up being so up tight and upset that I can’t face
going. It worries me that if it
continues being uncomfortable, that I’ll just switch off from it altogether.
I’ve tried to
find someone or a group of people to be able to share with, talk to, and spend
time with, but looking at what I tried, it obviously wasn’t right. I tried joining with a couple of established
groups, but I struggled to relate to people mainly of a different generation,
and being the odd one out. I tried to
talk to people about putting together a new group with people of a closer
generation – whilst a number thought it was a good idea, when it came to the
crunch – everyone else felt there wasn’t enough people to make the idea
happen. When I’m on my own, when most
others have someone or something else, that’s really hard. Like so many times before, I’m having to
break into what’s already established, without ending up causing a split, or
being completely pushed out even further for trying.
I’ve had a couple
of cases of talking with individuals, which went quite well, and felt like I
was doing something normal that anyone else does, except that I wonder how far
I actually had to make the situations happen.
I hope that they don’t come to be one-offs, but I’m struggling to work
out how to make things move naturally and not force something to happen, and
end up with nothing at all again. It’s
the old problem of building friendships which are both real and last for enough
time to build a two-way friendship. I’ve
fallen into the trap of one-way friendships before, and haven’t realised until
a long time later. One day, maybe being
a friend will make sense to me…
Moving onto work
– the situation is much the same as before.
Some days are OK, others really rather difficult. I’m always going to find dealing with some
customers difficult, and so I try to focus on the other parts of my job. Dealing with suppliers has become no easier –
there are issues with most of them, and I’ve had instances of one supplier
refusing to deal with me again, and another threatened to do the same, although
didn’t. It seems that for a small
company dealing with big companies, no sooner does one matter get dealt with,
that it’s replaced by another one. Then
you have to find the right people to deal with the situations, and find in most
cases that you’re being prevented from speaking to the people who can actually
help by people trying to cover things up, or get around it with (to put it
politely) waffle and untruths.
It comes back to
the same thing – I think the day I find the right person who will take me
seriously, is the day things will move forwards. There’s the occasional sign this might
happen, but that’s about it. It’s the
same with any hope of changing jobs.
People keep saying that I could do different things, but when it comes
down to actually getting there, it’s always a ‘no.’ I’ve not had any interviews for some time now
(not that I’ve not applied for anything), but every one I’ve had has been a
real struggle. One person may know I can
do a job, but persuading a stranger I can do it is just impossible to me. No matter what I’ve tried, I’ve always had a
question I just can’t answer, or just felt so scared and uncomfortable, that
it’s been way too obvious. Either that,
or I’ve not been in with a chance anyway, or I don’t have enough experience.
I just wish I
could have a chance to show I can do something.
The problem is – it’s just not the done way. I’ve got this issue with my railway interest
at the moment – again I was asked to give an input into some planning for a
forthcoming big event, and again I was able to help sort some potential
problems with the planning. But again,
as with previously, it will have been done on the side, quietly, so nobody has
noticed. I wish it could be more open,
but things have to be seen to be done in certain ways (apparently). With the big event, I get to see the plan in
action, but can’t do anything to help make it happen, which is always hard,
especially when my skills of logical thinking and knowledge retention could be
useful. It’s really hard during this
event, when someone asks a question, and I can’t answer it because it’s not mine
to answer, and the person has to look up the answer before giving it! Any other day, I’d just answer the question,
even if it’s not really mine to answer, as it doesn’t matter.
If only I could
have a chance, things might be so different, but until that chance, I’ll be
stuck hoping for a chance to prove myself.
This has been the same for a few years now, and every time I hope, and
every time the realisation becomes less and less likely. People have told me I can do this, I’ve
proven I can do something, but yet I can’t be seen to do it. It seems to be the way my search for a way
forwards is. When it matters, I seem to
find a brick wall of people who don’t understand me, or don’t want to know me,
or just emptiness.
So, to moving
on. I’d like to be able to look back and
say I’ve got somewhere, made real 2 way friendships, achieved something real,
and proved myself. I just keep looking
and praying for the opportunities, and hoping the situation will be different
this time, and someone does take me seriously, and realise what I can do,
rather than the limitations of my difficulties in fighting what to me is the
battle of life.
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