I haven’t sat
down and put any thoughts together for a few months, but this subject has been
in my head for a while now, and some events of the past few days which led to
the church service I was involved in this morning being put together have made
me sit down and put this together. I
find myself bursting into prayer as I write this, and I may even put those
prayers into writing. I realise that not
everyone reading this has the same faith in Jesus Christ that I do, and I hope
there will be enough of my thoughts and feelings in there so as not to put you
off from reading on.
I guess the
reason I’ve not written anything for a while is that it’s so easy to look at
the negatives, instead of the positives.
For me, it’s about being positive enough to look at the negatives, and
deal with them. Looking back over the
last few months, I seem to be handling things at the moment. Work is still very difficult at times, and
that has the impact on family life with the close ties, but I seem to have
found ways of separating myself from the situation, and only returning to it
when I have to. Until the time comes
when the opportunity arises to change one of the major components of my life, I
need these times away from the environment of trouble.
It’s here
where I find myself on Friday night, stood in an empty church with two friends,
having come along to practise and learn worship songs ahead of Sunday’s service
and of a longer term plan for a concert.
There should be 6 or 7 of us, but there were only 3. Initially we felt disappointed and let down,
and wondered if we were doing the right thing.
Then I learnt that one of the group was seriously ill. They’d not been able to be with us every time
we’d been meeting, but was always in our minds when trying things out and
putting sounds together to make one sound in worship. It’s not my place to give the whole story publicly,
but we now know that things are much more serious than we knew before, and so I
called the three of us to pray. As we
prayed, we felt blessed and were filled with the strength to carry on. We felt the will of God telling us to carry
on, so we did.
One of the
songs we practised was “Healing Streams” – see (http://www.stuarttownend.co.uk/song/healing-streams/)
for the words. The song stood out as so
relevant to the situation, that we felt we had to include it in the Sunday
morning service, even though only two of our musicians were there to practise
it. We prayed again at the end of
practise, and went off our own ways.
Lord, as we
gather in numbers in Your name, we thank you that we can pool our gifts,
talents and callings into one body in Christ, and that one body can reach out
to Your people. We thank you for the
worship group You called me into, and those people we reach out to. We bring to You Lord, the situation which
caused us to pick this song for this morning.
We pray for peace for anyone in a similar situation of ill health, and
their friends and families. We pray that
You will show Your light and peace, and if it is Your will, Your healing hand
among those who love You, and ask for Your help. In Matthew 21:22, Jesus says “If you believe,
you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” Amen.
Throughout
Friday night and Saturday and Sunday morning when I woke up, I repeatedly
prayed into the Sunday service, the people coming to it, and those leading
it. I prayed that it would all come
together as one body in the church of Christ.
When I arrived, two of our group were waiting outside, and suddenly, the
peace came over me that we were doing the right thing. The group of three from Friday night became
seven including the person putting the words on the screen. We give thanks that our preparation, and our
interpretation of God’s plan was perfect, and it was a beautiful service of
such relevance to so many in the congregation, and to the church as a whole. I wanted the remaining member of our worship
team, who is so ill, to walk through the door, pick up his guitar, and join
with us. Instead, I just prayed that he
was at peace in whatever way he could be.
I tell this
story, as for me, it’s one of triumph.
In my life, it’s so easy, and so often do I interpret something wrongly,
or think I’m getting something right and have it shot down in flames in front
of my as completely wrong. I’d had this
on Thursday evening at the model railway club I go to, where I’d had two or
three ideas completely dismissed, and rather felt I’d wasted my evening. The moments of positives are too easily
overshadowed by the negatives, and the model railway club seems to be one of
those parts of my life at the moment. It
makes me wonder if I should be reviewing my involvement there, but every time I
pray into this, the sign I read is to stay, and all settles time and becomes
positive again.
My situation
at work is much the same – there are lots of difficult times. I find dealing with people I don’t know very
difficult, and I misunderstand someone multiple times every day, which
sometimes gives big problems, which others have to sort out, and then they get
very frustrated with me about. I often
wish I didn’t have to deal with the public as directly as I do, and that I
could just concentrate on the buying and parts side of my job. I often dream of working in a different
business, and having the freedom of my own life. I’ve made one big step with church life, and
feel I have much more freedom away from where I used to be, and without my
parents being involved in absolutely everything. To me, my life in a church of God is one main
part, with work being another and home life and the other bits and pieces being
another area.
It’s the work
part that causes me most concerns and difficulties – perhaps because I spend
the most time at work from all these things!
I tried doors of new options a few years ago, but without success. I keep looking, but as yet, haven’t found the
right opportunity. I keep praying for
the right signs, and pray that God will show me the right way forwards, and
make sure that I am moving forwards, and not standing still.
It was the
work situation which first started me thinking about the future, and perhaps
what I want it to be. I realised a few
months ago that in a few years time, my parents will retire, and the business I
work in will either not exist, or be mine.
I think we all realise that, at the moment, I don’t really want to take
on the business. I don’t think I would
cope with not having anyone to take responsibility of things, and help me out
of the situations I find so difficult.
At the moment, it’s just not something I see. So, it leaves me thinking about having at
some point, to leave the family business, and the challenges that that may bring. There’s so much uncertainty, and so many
unknowns. I’ve no idea what would
happen, and have no idea how different my life would become. It worries me that I might suddenly be
jobless and homeless if things come together at the wrong time, and something
that sticks in my head.
I often think
about whether I’m in the right home, or whether I should move out and create
more space of my own in my life. I keep
coming back to the place where I feel lonely at times, and so being even more
on my own will only make me more lonely, that I feel the issues with the work
to home balance are mainly at work, and that my relationship with my parents is
much better once anything work related is out of the way, and also that I
couldn’t easily afford to move out of home and live on my own. I wish I could find work which I could find
more rewarding, and would allow me to have more control over my life. Sadly, it’s not easy finding any job, let
alone when you are faced with Autism as well, and putting your self across in
the best possible way to complete strangers.
I’ve often
had this idea that I might never get a job unless it’s been sorted out by
someone I know, and someone who understands me, and someone who looks at me for
what I am, and can do, rather than what I’m not, and what I can’t do. The problem here is with everything often so
formalised, I struggle to adapt to a completely different situation, and often
appear to lack the confidence and strength to show myself as the real me. Over the years, people from companies who
could potentially employ me tell me they think I could do the job, but when it
comes to actually applying, I always seem to not have as much experience as
others in similar roles, lack confidence, or be perceived as not being serious
about wanting to change jobs (all things that have been received in feedback
from interviews). I pray into this so
often, and it’s so difficult being patient – waiting for the right opportunity
at the right time. As time ticks by, the
day of an enforced decision on my future comes nearer, and I pray something
will happen before it’s too late.
The third
area is home life and social occasions.
I’ve already mentioned the model railway club, and indeed there are
other friends I have in certain places and at certain times doing certain
things. I find I am OK doing these
certain things at certain times, but the rest of the time can be less than
easy. To help get away from the work
situation, my time at home is often spent in a separate room to my parents,
often on a computer. I do speak with
friends over something similar to Skype quite regularly, although again, we’re
often doing something specific.
Sometimes I can talk openly about things with certain ones, but so often
I find I can’t do that as there’s someone else online, or there’s too much
interest in doing other things.
Sometimes I have to separate from them, as I just can’t cope. I try to do this quietly, but I have lost my
temper on occasion.
I often find
I need something to do with my time.
Another reason I’ve not written anything on my blog for 5 months is that
I’ve had various projects ongoing, and so I’ve picked from one of those to give
me something to do. I find it very hard
to actually switch off and relax. I also
find it very hard to release emotions and let go of things. I often find I can hide from things by doing
whatever activity, but they just come back when I finish, or when I go to work
the next day.
Outside of
the certain groups and certain activities, I find I have very few friends I can
really relate to, and when I do have cause to spend time or share with someone,
it means so much more to me. I find
these times are often one-offs, and it leaves me wondering what I have to do to
find friends who I can relate to, and they can relate to me. Everyone seems to have so many other things
in their lives compared to what I have in mine, that it feels like I’m just
another person to them, or they’ve always got something else to do before they
get to me. I also find that I can have
short conversations with people, but they never get to anything
meaningful. Sometimes someone might
listen to me, but it seems like a one-way conversation, because they have
people to share with already, and I don’t.
Building a two way friendship really doesn’t happen very often, and I’m
fairly sure it’s because of me being the way I am, and not understanding things
very well. Sometimes I can look at
things afterwards, and see that it’s not been right, but sometimes I can’t.
At 26, I’ve
never had that one best friend, or close group of friends. As I said above, I’ve chatted with people on
the internet, either by voice or text, but so often it leads to nowhere. I often find the friends I do have are older
than me, and if I look at it, the male friends are a generation older than me,
and only the female friends are closer in age.
I’m talking here about people I can trust, not just people who are
friends on Facebook, and that comment is most definitely not exclusive. I often dream of lying on a bed, or in a
garden, next to someone I can really trust, and just being able to talk about
anything, and know they understand me, and I understand them. I’ve no idea who this person might be, other
than possibly one day, my wife? I guess
many of you dream of getting married if you haven’t already got married to the
man or woman you fall in love with, and I’m no different. I just take the reality of my situation, and
wonder if I ever will achieve such a commitment. I’m not sure how I would cope in such a
situation, and it worries me that I would too easily cause pain and upset, and
end up with nothing if a partner could not cope with me. On the other hand, I hope that in true love,
we would grow to understand and love each other, and that love would grow
through these difficulties. At the
moment though, such a situation seems foreign to me. I’ve no idea how to tell if I’ve found the
right person, and even less so to know what to do about it.
So, for the
moment, I just wish for someone to be able to be able to relate to, and someone
who can relate to me. Thinking about
this, there have been two people who I have talked with, one online, and one
face to face who I think have managed to relate to me as I have related to
them. Interestingly from my above
thought, both are female, and both are relatively in the same generation as me,
and from talking to them both, they are facing some of the things I am in their
lives. It would be wrong of me to talk
about specifics, but some of the things they identified to me are things I’m
going through, or have been through over the past few years (of which some are
detailed in previous posts).
The first
person was someone I was at school with, and I hadn’t spoken to them for ten
years until a couple of weeks ago. Over
the afternoon and evening, we exchanged many messages about all sorts of
things, and I feel we found similarities in the things we were facing, and
where we had come to in life. We were
able to talk through things, and it felt very much like a 2 way
conversation. It put a smile on my face
that day, and has done as I’ve written this paragraph.
The second
person takes me full circle in this post, and back to the Sunday service I
started off talking about. With the
worship team I am part of having started as 3 some years ago, she was one of
the three, and I was privileged to be called by God to pray with her, as she
had with me a few weeks ago when I was struggling with things. We’ve talked over time about all kinds of
things, and we’ve both said to each other that we have been able to relate to
what we’ve been saying. Sometimes when I
talk with people, what they say is meaningless, even when it’s said with good
intent. Likewise some of what I say
often may not mean anything to the person I say it too. Sometimes I completely mis-judge the
situations, but on these occasions, I feel I’ve been able to make friendships
which somehow seem more real than some of the others. I pray into these friendships, that over
time, they won’t fall away again, and that they may continue to grow. I’m not necessarily sure about how to make
them grow, and sometimes wonder if I need to take a step myself, or wait for
something to happen. I don’t want to
lose the friends I have, especially those I can talk to on a 2 way basis, but
it’s really hard for me to do so. I’ve
been here before where something has happened which has destroyed what I
thought had been built up, and it’s easy for me to make one mis-understanding.
So, to end, I
invite you to join me in prayer, both for the situations described above, and
for your situations, some of which may have similarities to mine, or those you
know whom this post could be related to.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for
this opportunity to share in some of the great things that have happened
recently, for the great, true friends in our lives. We thank you that you provide us with friends
to help us through our lives, and that as churches of one body in Christ, we
are just one part of that body. I thank
you for the people mentioned above, for what they have done, and for their
inspiration through You. I pray for
those who have inspired you who read this post, and for your friends. I pray for those suffering – physically,
psychologically, emotionally or medically – that You will grant them peace Lord,
peace from whatever it is that frightens them, worries them or hurts them. I pray for those seeking the way forward –
that they may seek Your way forwards in their lives. I pray for those who are lonely – that You
may grant them love and friendship, both with You, and with brothers and
sisters in Christ. Together as one body,
we can grow stronger, and defeat the things which set us back in life. Finally Lord, I give thanks to all who read
this post, to all who offer encouragement, and to all those who fulfil just a
small part of Your plan for our lives.
Amen
