I get a lot of criticism from people who generally don’t know me very well, and don’t understand me. Either that or people think they understand me, and don’t. In this blog, I’m trying to explain things about me which those who know me might be able to relate to, and those who know others who are on the autistic spectrum, or are on it themselves may also be able to relate to.
Unfortunately, I often struggle to be particularly positive, especially when I’m in what I could describe as my normal cycle, that is somewhere between work and home life. I’ve already said a lot about issues which I face here, and although things are not as bad as they once were, the ongoing cycle does tend to make me negative. I think it’s one of the pitfalls of work, and then home being so close to work at times (the same people, and having no proper defined boundary between work and home “because it’s a family business)”. I find that once I start being stressed, it all just builds and builds until I can release everything. I’ve got much better at controlling this, but I know I’m far from perfect.
By the time five days of this cycle has gone by, I’m often struggling. In the week, I might have managed to clear my mind during the evening, but whatever was there soon comes back the following morning at work, as it seems to me that I am constantly battling the same issues (detailed in previous blog posts, so I won’t repeat them again). At the weekend, I might be able to have a day to myself, in my own space to do something different, and get well away from work and home life. I find one thing keeps getting in the way, and that is any hassle in organising too much of an “event” tends to stop me from sorting it out. I think this is because of wanting to get away from everything going on, and hassle just adds to it, rather than gets me away from it. A lot of the things I do are often by myself, and those are often the things which just hide me from the problems, and not help me get through them, and come out the other side.
I wrote previously about my call back into church, and to renew my relationship with God. Well, after a few months now of being back in a church regularly after what happened a couple of years ago, things seem to be settling down. I’ve been exploring options as to which church, and what fits and makes sense to me. I tried my old church at Nettleham, but whatever I tried there didn’t quite seem to fit, or I only felt able to be partly committed. I don’t know whether that’s because everyone knows me, and indeed a lot of people have known me for all of my life, or whether the links with my family are just too close. I also tried Welton a few times, and found a warmer welcome there from more of the people than at Nettleham, and I felt a lot freer. Over a few months, I managed to feel more and more comfortable. I felt able to join with some of the things going on there.
One week (after Christmas), they were having a “Christmas Lunch”. I was still at the stage of not knowing where I belonged, and where was the right place (or places), but I was talking to the minister at Welton after the service about this subject, and looking for signs as to the right path to take. When we’d finished, lunch was being served, and I was asked, “Are you staying for lunch?” I stayed for lunch, and coped with the games and bits afterwards for about an hour too, which I really don’t know how I managed! I give thanks to God for that first sign, and I looked to confirm it moving forwards.
By about 3 weeks ago, I was attending a church nearly every week (indeed as I used to), and getting back into a relationship with God, and things were starting to feel more natural. I had at this point been asked a couple of times about their PA system (that’s the sound system), but I’d said I needed to settle down and work things out before I became too involved. I had noticed that my instincts were coming back. One thing we were always told at Nettleham was that everyone worships in different ways, but they’d taken away my closest worship in controlling the sound. I feel that I can only do 50% of the work – the other 50% comes through the worship connection with God, and it was that 50% that I was struggling to find. One week, as everyone was singing, I couldn’t hear the piano, and the singing was getting muddled. I felt a call to try and do something. To me it was clear that I wasn’t the only one struggling for that connection with God. I went to the person who had asked me about looking at the PA system, and basically said “when are we going to look at this”? Even he playing had noticed the people were struggling with something.
So, the following Friday evening, four of us met up for what I call a worship practise (or maybe rehearsal). It’s not the jam session or technical session they called it, but I was determined to make sure it was worship to God. Once I’d had a look at things, made a few suggestions and carried those out, I led the group to prayer to put the evening to God, and to follow His lead. We did just that. As I said before, I feel I can only put 50% in. I believe that with the right lead, God gives the other 50%. To me, this comes across not by listening and mixing the sounds together, but by the feel in the room. When everyone is together with God, then it sounds right, and the room feels right. When the church is full of people, as it was on the Sunday morning following, others are able to pick up on this connection with God, and include their own worship, and to me, the whole act of worship is exponentially better. I believe it was no coincidence that the preacher that morning was the same person, and good friend who led me back into church at Welton for the first time last November, and no coincidence that my Grandma had been called to support him there. I believe that was God at work, inspiring us all to build a closer relationship with him.
In the couple of weeks since then, I have built on this change, and this call to be a part of the church at Welton. Through the initial call in November, then the lunch in January, and then being invited to serve and worship through the PA which was so obviously the right place and the right time, I give thanks to God for His inspiration and path to finding happiness and a focus.
Away from church, keeping that happiness and focus is a daily battle, and not one I am always winning. I struggle to find the same inspiration around my daily life. Whilst I can pray, I’m not always feeling the same assurances that I’m in the right place. As those who know me will know, and as I said above, I’m not always a positive person. I continually look for inspiration and ways to help me, but so often I only find things which cover over the problems I face every day, which then break out again when I find myself back in a difficult situation.
One thing I’ve always struggled with is making friends, and then keeping the ones I do make. I’ve already written about my school days, and that I don’t really have much contact with many people from then. I have friends at the model railway club, or friends on the railways, or friends through simsig, but it’s rare that I can find someone or a time to just have a simple friend. I often wish I could have that best friend that everyone else has who I can talk to. Some people have someone they’ve been friends with for many years, some have a girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife (or similar), and some have a member of their family. For me, it’s difficult to first find someone who I can trust, and then keep them as a friend. In the past, I had issues with people I thought I could trust telling other people about things I had said in confidence. I guess I’m too careful? Some of you will read about my relationship with God and tell me that He is my best friend.
This may sound wrong to some, but to me, that relationship is different. To me, it’s not the same as actually physically talking to someone, or being with someone. I often dream about being able to be in peace and comfort with someone I really can call my friend. The other thing I’ve found, and not realised at the time, is that people listen to me, but I never listen to them. It’s like having a one way close friend. It’s like they are my friend, but I am not their friend. The other thing I have found is that many of the friends I did make always tended to be older people. I guess this had a lot to do with maturity and them understanding me better when I was younger, but now it still seems to be the same. Unusually (so I’m told), the few people who I could call my real or closer friends who are my own age are all female. The only thing I can put this down to is that caring instinct that a woman has that a man doesn’t? It’s always been the case, and that’s the only reason I can think of. I think I miss having very few friends around me of a similar age, who can relate to the things going on from a similar perspective and life experience as me.
I’m struggling to explain this very well, but I don’t really know what I’ve done wrong, or what I can do! I try to be social as best as I can, but too often it frustrates me so much to the point I think I would have been better off not bothering. A few times each year, something comes up which involves an invite to some kind of event, or going out for some drinks with people. It takes a lot for me to agree to go to these things, especially if it’s not a family event, and in honesty, I don’t go very often. As I said above, I often feel apart from the rest of the group, or find the situation difficult that it frustrates me (especially if it’s a large group of people or in a large venue), and then I just tend to freeze, and the whole thing gets worse. I pray that I will have the confidence to overcome this, and be able to be more social.
There is one more inspiration I would like to mention before I finish this post, and that is someone who I went to school with, who passed away a couple of weeks ago, and whose funeral is on Friday (2 days after I am writing this post). Her name is Kayleigh, and she suffered a daily battle with Cystic Fibrosis. I didn’t know her particularly more than anyone else at school, and we never really kept in touch other than being friends on Facebook, until about six months ago. I can’t remember how we started chatting, but both of us were fighting daily battles, albeit very different ones.
Over the weeks, I found I was able to relate to a lot of the things Kayleigh was saying, and she told me she could relate to what I was saying to her. I know that I prayed that she would find peace and victory in her battle, and I know that although her physical battle has ended, she has found peace, and won, and gone to paradise. Although I wasn’t able to share with her for a particularly long period, I give thanks to God for her inspiration to keep fighting the daily battle of life, something which I keep doing. Just like her, I have ups and downs, and her words at times really helped me to fight some difficult issues.
I have decided not to go to her funeral, for some of the reasons I have already set out, but I feel that writing this tribute is enough for me to give thanks for her inspiration to so many people. I give thanks to God for her life and time with us here. Her inspiration to me is to keep fighting my daily battle (whatever it throws at us), as she did, and I know that I will one day be able to give her the big hug I promised her when we meet next. I know that I have eternal peace through Jesus, and will be able to join her in paradise when I have won my battle on earth.
