Fighting the Snowball…

As I write this on New Year’s Eve 2013, looking back, and dreaming of the future, I’ve read some of things I’ve written over the past 18 months or so, and realise that what someone said to me a few weeks ago is true – that I have “grown” a lot in the last year or so.  To me, I’ve got a lot more growing to do. 

So, a year ago, I was just re-igniting my faith after nearly 3 years of feeling shut out from the church I had grown up in, and feeling rather uncomfortable being pushed into a room full of people who seemed to always want to judge me.  I broke out, and with some guidance from a couple of close friends and relatives, found a church full of people who saw me for being me, and not “their son”.  A year on, and I’d really like to say it’s all been plain sailing, but sadly not.  I was invited into the worship group to run the sound system.  We made numerous changes, solved numerous technical issues, and by the end of the year, most of those things are now much better.  As the group bonded together during the year, I found I had friends I could relate to, and work with on a level basis.  The highlight was in the autumn, when we put together an evening of worship songs.  Sadly, since then, things seem to have gone downhill.  Some members felt unable to make a commitment to the group, and we’ve had to change our approach and times for meeting, both of which have been difficult for me to adjust to (indeed, I haven’t found something to fill the hole left in my transition between week and weekend), and our times together have, for me at least, not been the same.  We’ve had a couple of instances of going in the wrong direction, and spending a long time realising it, and then getting back to the right direction.  Hopefully 2014 will see a revival in the good times. 

My journey with the worship group helped me to reach a point where I can honestly say that the 2 or 3 year gap where my faith was drained away has been bridged, and that through the other things I have discovered during this year, I believe I am now stronger than before, and I have a stronger faith.  One of the things the Lord has blessed me with is the ability to pray, both with people, and leading a group of people in putting things before God.  This has allowed me to become part of the prayer group at my church, and helped me to feel I can be a part of something.  It’s been a welcome break on two occasions, when I would normally be part of another group, that when things were very difficult there, I was able to join with the prayer group, and seek the Lord.  In 2014, I look forward to be able to spend more time with others in prayer, and I hope for opportunities to use this gift more, having been turned away from opportunities more and more as I’ve pushed for the chances this year. 

Within the church, I tried to become a part of other groups too, but kept facing a familiar issue – that of being able to relate to what others were saying, meaning and doing.  I tried joining a bible study group, and struggled with both in relating to the people, and having the confidence to challenge the discussion or ask things, in a group of people mainly of a different generation to me.  I felt challenged to try and do something about this, and started talking with some of the younger generation in the church about trying to start a bible study group for those of my generation, in the hope that I could relate better to them, and that not being a new person in an old group would be easier.  Sadly, although there was interest, I put this idea to one side for the time being when everyone else felt there weren’t enough people able or willing to make a commitment for the group to be worthwhile.  Since then, I am still looking and searching for something to fill this gap in my journey. 

I mention above, the other group which had become difficult.  That being the model railway club I belong to, and am a member of the committee at.  The last six months have been the most difficult of the eight and a half years I have been a member there.  In the summer, it became apparent that some members were not happy with the way the exhibition rosters were being put together (by myself), and threats were made at me.  I spent 3 days at the exhibition that weekend, and was ill during the first night, and for about two weeks afterwards with anything from a cold to flu to dizziness, caused by the stress of this, and having spent most of the summer with toothache and resulting infections, and so I was completely drained.  The issue with the threats which were made on the third day left me with little option but to resign from writing the rosters, and put the decision back to the committee as to what they wanted to happen next. 

I didn’t go to the weekly club meetings for a few weeks, and indeed it was during this time when I first went to the church prayer group I mention above.  A few weeks later, I had to go to the committee meeting, amongst other matters, to discuss this matter.  It was worse than going to a job interview, and I just remember sitting there waiting for to be asked to speak.  Eventually it came to discussing the rostering, and two people decided to turn the whole scenario against me by questioning what active part of the club I would play if I didn’t organise what I had been doing.  It really made me feel like walking out there and then.  A kind of agreement was made (nobody disagreed, but it was noted that not everyone particularly agreed).  In the months since, there continue to be issues, which returned at the beginning of this month, and again left me feeling I was wasting my time and effort.  One club night, I took two others to find that too many regulars were not present to run the railway, and that nobody else there had bothered to let us know.  Basically, we’d wasted another evening, and a journey for the second time in 4 weeks.  I came home again after voicing my anger and disgust that nobody thought to us travelling distance know that there was no point in us coming, and found myself on the phone to the chairman (who lives away from the local area altogether) at 9:30 that evening in tears again.  At this time, I was having the changes going on in the worship group, then this, and added to work, which is still much the same as I’ve described elsewhere, and I just broke down. 

From here, I spent nearly 3 weeks doing very little that could possibly be vaguely challenging or stressful, trying desperately to control my anger and stress at work, and failing more than once, and then trying to release myself from it, and not succeeding.  Then, to top it off, I tried the one thing which had kept me occupied during the previous month – that being the railway signalling simulations I test.  During this stressful time, events concurred which made me upset and angry about double standards.  When I raised them, I was basically made a ‘scape-goat, and even though others admitted they agreed privately to me, nobody would publically support me, even though I could prove each and every one of the points raised over and over again.  As a result, I am being treated with a distinct lack of respect from some in that community, and being cut out of various projects and discussions going on.  Even today I try to have an input, and still today I am being slated for trying to explain why something isn’t working. 

And then there’s all the disruption and hassle that Christmas brings.  I hate it more and more every year.  All the things I do every week suddenly stop, and get replaced with nothing.  I see my family most of the year round, and don’t have friends to go to parties with or whatever else people do.  Christmas was half a day, and then I tried to do normal things, by myself, in between being pestered over various things related to the decorating of what is apparently to become my new bedroom.  I just wanted to be able to release from everything else going on, and find peace in myself to fight all the things I had not been fighting very well for the past month. 

Today is day 7 of 8 of my Christmas break, and whilst I’ve not exactly dealt with the issues, I do feel a bit relaxed.  On day 9, everything starts getting back to normal at last.  Hopefully, the church worship group will decide to continue meeting, and we can start re-building our friendships and move forwards, and return to where we were a few months ago.  The model railway club, which was OK on the first day of last weekend’s exhibition, but so much like I was walking on eggshells will find a way of dealing with what’s going on which lasts longer than just a few weeks, and hopefully the software community I work with will start to understand what I’m trying to input to their work. 

And then there’s me – I just pray that I can start dealing with these situations properly, instead of continually hiding them.  For me, a new year is just a continuation of the same things – nothing has ended, and nothing is starting fresh – just the same things, same battles and the same stresses.  This last month has been the first time that I’ve not coped very well on a day to day basis for a couple of years (then it took 8 months for me to cope, along with medical help) – this time I want to fight it without going that way if I can. 

This year I’ve actually managed a two way conversation with someone I call a real friend, and was able to relate to them, and hopefully them to me.  I even managed it more than once.  I hope 2014 will bring more times like this, and perhaps to be able to have friendships not based around dealing with negative things, but around having good times too.  I know I’ve had some brief conversations electronically with some meaningful things said with one or two people – I wish they weren’t as brief, and I wish sometimes I had the confidence to actually propose something more than just a quick chat.  Even in the best of friendships, I always seem to come up against families or other friends or things which just take time away, or always seeing my friends with others who I just don’t have the same confidence and trust in.  I think I can think of three occasions where I’ve had a meaningful and unrestricted time with a friend this year (two different ones), and maybe half a dozen brief chats.  Anything else seems to be either a “professional” friendship, or just someone who is part of a group.  I don’t mean any offence by this, but it’s just different to me.  It would be nice to grow these half a dozen friendships which have meant something, and not feel like I’m forcing meetings to happen, or forcing people to spend time with me.  The biggest challenge I face is being negative so much, especially when things get on top of me.  Let’s be honest – who wants to be friends with someone as grumpy as me – yet so often, I just wish there was someone who could cheer me up, and make me feel like a normal person.  I wish all the glitchiness around my social being wasn’t there, and I could just have some confidence to help myself make a difference. 

I went away on holiday (well, a long weekend away) for the first time with a friend this year – something which was very daunting, but I enjoyed it a lot.  For me, it’s all about taking that step into the unknown, and I did that a few times – some were good, some were awful.

I’d like to thank that handful of friends who have taken time for me, and who have cared, and have accepted me for who I am.  Those precious moments which do come around mean so much – I wish they would happen more often!  For me, having friends, and building and keeping friends is so hard, and I am in a better place than a year ago, and with your help, I’d like to hope that I will be in a better place still by this time next year.

2013 – Moving Forwards, or Just the Same Old Problems?

As I sit here at the beginning of December, realising I’ve not posted anything for 4 months nearly, I wonder when the challenges of 2013 will realise movement in a forwards direction in the future.  I kind of hope for this every year, and up to now, I’m still hoping for a breakthrough.

I guess this year has had signs, but so many maybes and what ifs.  I started the year having got back into the house of God, albeit not in any regular place.  As I've written before, I found a home, and re-established my faith and gifts, and tried to move forwards.  I look back, and I see that I’ve got back to where I was at a few years ago in faith, and I’ve tried to build on it, but I’m not sure I’m succeeding.  My gifts seem to be flourishing now that I’ve found a home with a small group of friends who do, at least at times, seem to understand how I am, and we seem to be able to work and put things together, and build times of worship.

It’s not without a few difficulties though – we had an event we were working towards, after which everything kind of stopped.  I really felt lost when this happened.  For me, it felt like 3 years ago all over again – only this time I was invited to the follow-up meeting rather than the decision being taken behind my back.    We’ve only had one proper practice session since, and it took me a long time to get into.  What worries me is that I can clear my head enough with everything else going on to focus on one of only two regular times spent with a group of friends, without ending up being so up tight and upset that I can’t face going.  It worries me that if it continues being uncomfortable, that I’ll just switch off from it altogether.

I’ve tried to find someone or a group of people to be able to share with, talk to, and spend time with, but looking at what I tried, it obviously wasn’t right.  I tried joining with a couple of established groups, but I struggled to relate to people mainly of a different generation, and being the odd one out.  I tried to talk to people about putting together a new group with people of a closer generation – whilst a number thought it was a good idea, when it came to the crunch – everyone else felt there wasn’t enough people to make the idea happen.  When I’m on my own, when most others have someone or something else, that’s really hard.  Like so many times before, I’m having to break into what’s already established, without ending up causing a split, or being completely pushed out even further for trying.

I’ve had a couple of cases of talking with individuals, which went quite well, and felt like I was doing something normal that anyone else does, except that I wonder how far I actually had to make the situations happen.  I hope that they don’t come to be one-offs, but I’m struggling to work out how to make things move naturally and not force something to happen, and end up with nothing at all again.  It’s the old problem of building friendships which are both real and last for enough time to build a two-way friendship.  I’ve fallen into the trap of one-way friendships before, and haven’t realised until a long time later.  One day, maybe being a friend will make sense to me…

Moving onto work – the situation is much the same as before.  Some days are OK, others really rather difficult.  I’m always going to find dealing with some customers difficult, and so I try to focus on the other parts of my job.  Dealing with suppliers has become no easier – there are issues with most of them, and I’ve had instances of one supplier refusing to deal with me again, and another threatened to do the same, although didn’t.  It seems that for a small company dealing with big companies, no sooner does one matter get dealt with, that it’s replaced by another one.  Then you have to find the right people to deal with the situations, and find in most cases that you’re being prevented from speaking to the people who can actually help by people trying to cover things up, or get around it with (to put it politely) waffle and untruths.

It comes back to the same thing – I think the day I find the right person who will take me seriously, is the day things will move forwards.  There’s the occasional sign this might happen, but that’s about it.  It’s the same with any hope of changing jobs.  People keep saying that I could do different things, but when it comes down to actually getting there, it’s always a ‘no.’  I’ve not had any interviews for some time now (not that I’ve not applied for anything), but every one I’ve had has been a real struggle.  One person may know I can do a job, but persuading a stranger I can do it is just impossible to me.  No matter what I’ve tried, I’ve always had a question I just can’t answer, or just felt so scared and uncomfortable, that it’s been way too obvious.  Either that, or I’ve not been in with a chance anyway, or I don’t have enough experience.

I just wish I could have a chance to show I can do something.  The problem is – it’s just not the done way.  I’ve got this issue with my railway interest at the moment – again I was asked to give an input into some planning for a forthcoming big event, and again I was able to help sort some potential problems with the planning.  But again, as with previously, it will have been done on the side, quietly, so nobody has noticed.  I wish it could be more open, but things have to be seen to be done in certain ways (apparently).  With the big event, I get to see the plan in action, but can’t do anything to help make it happen, which is always hard, especially when my skills of logical thinking and knowledge retention could be useful.  It’s really hard during this event, when someone asks a question, and I can’t answer it because it’s not mine to answer, and the person has to look up the answer before giving it!  Any other day, I’d just answer the question, even if it’s not really mine to answer, as it doesn’t matter.

If only I could have a chance, things might be so different, but until that chance, I’ll be stuck hoping for a chance to prove myself.  This has been the same for a few years now, and every time I hope, and every time the realisation becomes less and less likely.  People have told me I can do this, I’ve proven I can do something, but yet I can’t be seen to do it.  It seems to be the way my search for a way forwards is.  When it matters, I seem to find a brick wall of people who don’t understand me, or don’t want to know me, or just emptiness.

So, to moving on.  I’d like to be able to look back and say I’ve got somewhere, made real 2 way friendships, achieved something real, and proved myself.  I just keep looking and praying for the opportunities, and hoping the situation will be different this time, and someone does take me seriously, and realise what I can do, rather than the limitations of my difficulties in fighting what to me is the battle of life.

Inspiration, Future Plans, Dreams and Wishes

Inspiration, Future Plans, Dreams and Wishes

I haven’t sat down and put any thoughts together for a few months, but this subject has been in my head for a while now, and some events of the past few days which led to the church service I was involved in this morning being put together have made me sit down and put this together.  I find myself bursting into prayer as I write this, and I may even put those prayers into writing.  I realise that not everyone reading this has the same faith in Jesus Christ that I do, and I hope there will be enough of my thoughts and feelings in there so as not to put you off from reading on. 

I guess the reason I’ve not written anything for a while is that it’s so easy to look at the negatives, instead of the positives.  For me, it’s about being positive enough to look at the negatives, and deal with them.  Looking back over the last few months, I seem to be handling things at the moment.  Work is still very difficult at times, and that has the impact on family life with the close ties, but I seem to have found ways of separating myself from the situation, and only returning to it when I have to.  Until the time comes when the opportunity arises to change one of the major components of my life, I need these times away from the environment of trouble. 

It’s here where I find myself on Friday night, stood in an empty church with two friends, having come along to practise and learn worship songs ahead of Sunday’s service and of a longer term plan for a concert.  There should be 6 or 7 of us, but there were only 3.  Initially we felt disappointed and let down, and wondered if we were doing the right thing.  Then I learnt that one of the group was seriously ill.  They’d not been able to be with us every time we’d been meeting, but was always in our minds when trying things out and putting sounds together to make one sound in worship.  It’s not my place to give the whole story publicly, but we now know that things are much more serious than we knew before, and so I called the three of us to pray.  As we prayed, we felt blessed and were filled with the strength to carry on.  We felt the will of God telling us to carry on, so we did. 

One of the songs we practised was “Healing Streams” – see (http://www.stuarttownend.co.uk/song/healing-streams/) for the words.  The song stood out as so relevant to the situation, that we felt we had to include it in the Sunday morning service, even though only two of our musicians were there to practise it.  We prayed again at the end of practise, and went off our own ways. 

Lord, as we gather in numbers in Your name, we thank you that we can pool our gifts, talents and callings into one body in Christ, and that one body can reach out to Your people.  We thank you for the worship group You called me into, and those people we reach out to.  We bring to You Lord, the situation which caused us to pick this song for this morning.  We pray for peace for anyone in a similar situation of ill health, and their friends and families.  We pray that You will show Your light and peace, and if it is Your will, Your healing hand among those who love You, and ask for Your help.  In Matthew 21:22, Jesus says “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”  Amen. 

Throughout Friday night and Saturday and Sunday morning when I woke up, I repeatedly prayed into the Sunday service, the people coming to it, and those leading it.  I prayed that it would all come together as one body in the church of Christ.  When I arrived, two of our group were waiting outside, and suddenly, the peace came over me that we were doing the right thing.  The group of three from Friday night became seven including the person putting the words on the screen.  We give thanks that our preparation, and our interpretation of God’s plan was perfect, and it was a beautiful service of such relevance to so many in the congregation, and to the church as a whole.  I wanted the remaining member of our worship team, who is so ill, to walk through the door, pick up his guitar, and join with us.  Instead, I just prayed that he was at peace in whatever way he could be. 

I tell this story, as for me, it’s one of triumph.  In my life, it’s so easy, and so often do I interpret something wrongly, or think I’m getting something right and have it shot down in flames in front of my as completely wrong.  I’d had this on Thursday evening at the model railway club I go to, where I’d had two or three ideas completely dismissed, and rather felt I’d wasted my evening.  The moments of positives are too easily overshadowed by the negatives, and the model railway club seems to be one of those parts of my life at the moment.  It makes me wonder if I should be reviewing my involvement there, but every time I pray into this, the sign I read is to stay, and all settles time and becomes positive again. 

My situation at work is much the same – there are lots of difficult times.  I find dealing with people I don’t know very difficult, and I misunderstand someone multiple times every day, which sometimes gives big problems, which others have to sort out, and then they get very frustrated with me about.  I often wish I didn’t have to deal with the public as directly as I do, and that I could just concentrate on the buying and parts side of my job.  I often dream of working in a different business, and having the freedom of my own life.  I’ve made one big step with church life, and feel I have much more freedom away from where I used to be, and without my parents being involved in absolutely everything.  To me, my life in a church of God is one main part, with work being another and home life and the other bits and pieces being another area. 

It’s the work part that causes me most concerns and difficulties – perhaps because I spend the most time at work from all these things!  I tried doors of new options a few years ago, but without success.  I keep looking, but as yet, haven’t found the right opportunity.  I keep praying for the right signs, and pray that God will show me the right way forwards, and make sure that I am moving forwards, and not standing still. 

It was the work situation which first started me thinking about the future, and perhaps what I want it to be.  I realised a few months ago that in a few years time, my parents will retire, and the business I work in will either not exist, or be mine.  I think we all realise that, at the moment, I don’t really want to take on the business.  I don’t think I would cope with not having anyone to take responsibility of things, and help me out of the situations I find so difficult.  At the moment, it’s just not something I see.  So, it leaves me thinking about having at some point, to leave the family business, and the challenges that that may bring.  There’s so much uncertainty, and so many unknowns.  I’ve no idea what would happen, and have no idea how different my life would become.  It worries me that I might suddenly be jobless and homeless if things come together at the wrong time, and something that sticks in my head. 

I often think about whether I’m in the right home, or whether I should move out and create more space of my own in my life.  I keep coming back to the place where I feel lonely at times, and so being even more on my own will only make me more lonely, that I feel the issues with the work to home balance are mainly at work, and that my relationship with my parents is much better once anything work related is out of the way, and also that I couldn’t easily afford to move out of home and live on my own.  I wish I could find work which I could find more rewarding, and would allow me to have more control over my life.  Sadly, it’s not easy finding any job, let alone when you are faced with Autism as well, and putting your self across in the best possible way to complete strangers. 

I’ve often had this idea that I might never get a job unless it’s been sorted out by someone I know, and someone who understands me, and someone who looks at me for what I am, and can do, rather than what I’m not, and what I can’t do.  The problem here is with everything often so formalised, I struggle to adapt to a completely different situation, and often appear to lack the confidence and strength to show myself as the real me.  Over the years, people from companies who could potentially employ me tell me they think I could do the job, but when it comes to actually applying, I always seem to not have as much experience as others in similar roles, lack confidence, or be perceived as not being serious about wanting to change jobs (all things that have been received in feedback from interviews).  I pray into this so often, and it’s so difficult being patient – waiting for the right opportunity at the right time.  As time ticks by, the day of an enforced decision on my future comes nearer, and I pray something will happen before it’s too late. 

The third area is home life and social occasions.  I’ve already mentioned the model railway club, and indeed there are other friends I have in certain places and at certain times doing certain things.  I find I am OK doing these certain things at certain times, but the rest of the time can be less than easy.  To help get away from the work situation, my time at home is often spent in a separate room to my parents, often on a computer.  I do speak with friends over something similar to Skype quite regularly, although again, we’re often doing something specific.  Sometimes I can talk openly about things with certain ones, but so often I find I can’t do that as there’s someone else online, or there’s too much interest in doing other things.  Sometimes I have to separate from them, as I just can’t cope.  I try to do this quietly, but I have lost my temper on occasion. 

I often find I need something to do with my time.  Another reason I’ve not written anything on my blog for 5 months is that I’ve had various projects ongoing, and so I’ve picked from one of those to give me something to do.  I find it very hard to actually switch off and relax.  I also find it very hard to release emotions and let go of things.  I often find I can hide from things by doing whatever activity, but they just come back when I finish, or when I go to work the next day. 

Outside of the certain groups and certain activities, I find I have very few friends I can really relate to, and when I do have cause to spend time or share with someone, it means so much more to me.  I find these times are often one-offs, and it leaves me wondering what I have to do to find friends who I can relate to, and they can relate to me.  Everyone seems to have so many other things in their lives compared to what I have in mine, that it feels like I’m just another person to them, or they’ve always got something else to do before they get to me.  I also find that I can have short conversations with people, but they never get to anything meaningful.  Sometimes someone might listen to me, but it seems like a one-way conversation, because they have people to share with already, and I don’t.  Building a two way friendship really doesn’t happen very often, and I’m fairly sure it’s because of me being the way I am, and not understanding things very well.  Sometimes I can look at things afterwards, and see that it’s not been right, but sometimes I can’t. 

At 26, I’ve never had that one best friend, or close group of friends.  As I said above, I’ve chatted with people on the internet, either by voice or text, but so often it leads to nowhere.  I often find the friends I do have are older than me, and if I look at it, the male friends are a generation older than me, and only the female friends are closer in age.  I’m talking here about people I can trust, not just people who are friends on Facebook, and that comment is most definitely not exclusive.  I often dream of lying on a bed, or in a garden, next to someone I can really trust, and just being able to talk about anything, and know they understand me, and I understand them.  I’ve no idea who this person might be, other than possibly one day, my wife?  I guess many of you dream of getting married if you haven’t already got married to the man or woman you fall in love with, and I’m no different.  I just take the reality of my situation, and wonder if I ever will achieve such a commitment.  I’m not sure how I would cope in such a situation, and it worries me that I would too easily cause pain and upset, and end up with nothing if a partner could not cope with me.  On the other hand, I hope that in true love, we would grow to understand and love each other, and that love would grow through these difficulties.  At the moment though, such a situation seems foreign to me.  I’ve no idea how to tell if I’ve found the right person, and even less so to know what to do about it. 

So, for the moment, I just wish for someone to be able to be able to relate to, and someone who can relate to me.  Thinking about this, there have been two people who I have talked with, one online, and one face to face who I think have managed to relate to me as I have related to them.  Interestingly from my above thought, both are female, and both are relatively in the same generation as me, and from talking to them both, they are facing some of the things I am in their lives.  It would be wrong of me to talk about specifics, but some of the things they identified to me are things I’m going through, or have been through over the past few years (of which some are detailed in previous posts). 

The first person was someone I was at school with, and I hadn’t spoken to them for ten years until a couple of weeks ago.  Over the afternoon and evening, we exchanged many messages about all sorts of things, and I feel we found similarities in the things we were facing, and where we had come to in life.  We were able to talk through things, and it felt very much like a 2 way conversation.  It put a smile on my face that day, and has done as I’ve written this paragraph. 

The second person takes me full circle in this post, and back to the Sunday service I started off talking about.  With the worship team I am part of having started as 3 some years ago, she was one of the three, and I was privileged to be called by God to pray with her, as she had with me a few weeks ago when I was struggling with things.  We’ve talked over time about all kinds of things, and we’ve both said to each other that we have been able to relate to what we’ve been saying.  Sometimes when I talk with people, what they say is meaningless, even when it’s said with good intent.  Likewise some of what I say often may not mean anything to the person I say it too.  Sometimes I completely mis-judge the situations, but on these occasions, I feel I’ve been able to make friendships which somehow seem more real than some of the others.  I pray into these friendships, that over time, they won’t fall away again, and that they may continue to grow.  I’m not necessarily sure about how to make them grow, and sometimes wonder if I need to take a step myself, or wait for something to happen.  I don’t want to lose the friends I have, especially those I can talk to on a 2 way basis, but it’s really hard for me to do so.  I’ve been here before where something has happened which has destroyed what I thought had been built up, and it’s easy for me to make one mis-understanding. 

So, to end, I invite you to join me in prayer, both for the situations described above, and for your situations, some of which may have similarities to mine, or those you know whom this post could be related to. 

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this opportunity to share in some of the great things that have happened recently, for the great, true friends in our lives.  We thank you that you provide us with friends to help us through our lives, and that as churches of one body in Christ, we are just one part of that body.  I thank you for the people mentioned above, for what they have done, and for their inspiration through You.  I pray for those who have inspired you who read this post, and for your friends.  I pray for those suffering – physically, psychologically, emotionally or medically – that You will grant them peace Lord, peace from whatever it is that frightens them, worries them or hurts them.  I pray for those seeking the way forward – that they may seek Your way forwards in their lives.  I pray for those who are lonely – that You may grant them love and friendship, both with You, and with brothers and sisters in Christ.  Together as one body, we can grow stronger, and defeat the things which set us back in life.  Finally Lord, I give thanks to all who read this post, to all who offer encouragement, and to all those who fulfil just a small part of Your plan for our lives.

Amen

Building on Inspirational Friends

I get a lot of criticism from people who generally don’t know me very well, and don’t understand me.  Either that or people think they understand me, and don’t.  In this blog, I’m trying to explain things about me which those who know me might be able to relate to, and those who know others who are on the autistic spectrum, or are on it themselves may also be able to relate to.

Unfortunately, I often struggle to be particularly positive, especially when I’m in what I could describe as my normal cycle, that is somewhere between work and home life.  I’ve already said a lot about issues which I face here, and although things are not as bad as they once were, the ongoing cycle does tend to make me negative.  I think it’s one of the pitfalls of work, and then home being so close to work at times (the same people, and having no proper defined boundary between work and home “because it’s a family business)”.  I find that once I start being stressed, it all just builds and builds until I can release everything.  I’ve got much better at controlling this, but I know I’m far from perfect.

By the time five days of this cycle has gone by, I’m often struggling.  In the week, I might have managed to clear my mind during the evening, but whatever was there soon comes back the following morning at work, as it seems to me that I am constantly battling the same issues (detailed in previous blog posts, so I won’t repeat them again).  At the weekend, I might be able to have a day to myself, in my own space to do something different, and get well away from work and home life.  I find one thing keeps getting in the way, and that is any hassle in organising too much of an “event” tends to stop me from sorting it out.  I think this is because of wanting to get away from everything going on, and hassle just adds to it, rather than gets me away from it.  A lot of the things I do are often by myself, and those are often the things which just hide me from the problems, and not help me get through them, and come out the other side.

I wrote previously about my call back into church, and to renew my relationship with God.  Well, after a few months now of being back in a church regularly after what happened a couple of years ago, things seem to be settling down.  I’ve been exploring options as to which church, and what fits and makes sense to me.  I tried my old church at Nettleham, but whatever I tried there didn’t quite seem to fit, or I only felt able to be partly committed.  I don’t know whether that’s because everyone knows me, and indeed a lot of people have known me for all of my life, or whether the links with my family are just too close.  I also tried Welton a few times, and found a warmer welcome there from more of the people than at Nettleham, and I felt a lot freer.  Over a few months, I managed to feel more and more comfortable.  I felt able to join with some of the things going on there.

One week (after Christmas), they were having a “Christmas Lunch”.  I was still at the stage of not knowing where I belonged, and where was the right place (or places), but I was talking to the minister at Welton after the service about this subject, and looking for signs as to the right path to take.  When we’d finished, lunch was being served, and I was asked, “Are you staying for lunch?”  I stayed for lunch, and coped with the games and bits afterwards for about an hour too, which I really don’t know how I managed!  I give thanks to God for that first sign, and I looked to confirm it moving forwards.

By about 3 weeks ago, I was attending a church nearly every week (indeed as I used to), and getting back into a relationship with God, and things were starting to feel more natural.  I had at this point been asked a couple of times about their PA system (that’s the sound system), but I’d said I needed to settle down and work things out before I became too involved.  I had noticed that my instincts were coming back.  One thing we were always told at Nettleham was that everyone worships in different ways, but they’d taken away my closest worship in controlling the sound.  I feel that I can only do 50% of the work – the other 50% comes through the worship connection with God, and it was that 50% that I was struggling to find.  One week, as everyone was singing, I couldn’t hear the piano, and the singing was getting muddled.  I felt a call to try and do something.  To me it was clear that I wasn’t the only one struggling for that connection with God.  I went to the person who had asked me about looking at the PA system, and basically said “when are we going to look at this”?  Even he playing had noticed the people were struggling with something.

So, the following Friday evening, four of us met up for what I call a worship practise (or maybe rehearsal).  It’s not the jam session or technical session they called it, but I was determined to make sure it was worship to God.  Once I’d had a look at things, made a few suggestions and carried those out, I led the group to prayer to put the evening to God, and to follow His lead.  We did just that.  As I said before, I feel I can only put 50% in.  I believe that with the right lead, God gives the other 50%.  To me, this comes across not by listening and mixing the sounds together, but by the feel in the room.  When everyone is together with God, then it sounds right, and the room feels right.  When the church is full of people, as it was on the Sunday morning following, others are able to pick up on this connection with God, and include their own worship, and to me, the whole act of worship is exponentially better.  I believe it was no coincidence that the preacher that morning was the same person, and good friend who led me back into church at Welton for the first time last November, and no coincidence that my Grandma had been called to support him there.  I believe that was God at work, inspiring us all to build a closer relationship with him.

In the couple of weeks since then, I have built on this change, and this call to be a part of the church at Welton.  Through the initial call in November, then the lunch in January, and then being invited to serve and worship through the PA which was so obviously the right place and the right time, I give thanks to God for His inspiration and path to finding happiness and a focus.

Away from church, keeping that happiness and focus is a daily battle, and not one I am always winning.  I struggle to find the same inspiration around my daily life.  Whilst I can pray, I’m not always feeling the same assurances that I’m in the right place.  As those who know me will know, and as I said above, I’m not always a positive person.  I continually look for inspiration and ways to help me, but so often I only find things which cover over the problems I face every day, which then break out again when I find myself back in a difficult situation.

One thing I’ve always struggled with is making friends, and then keeping the ones I do make.  I’ve already written about my school days, and that I don’t really have much contact with many people from then.  I have friends at the model railway club, or friends on the railways, or friends through simsig, but it’s rare that I can find someone or a time to just have a simple friend.  I often wish I could have that best friend that everyone else has who I can talk to.  Some people have someone they’ve been friends with for many years, some have a girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife (or similar), and some have a member of their family.  For me, it’s difficult to first find someone who I can trust, and then keep them as a friend.  In the past, I had issues with people I thought I could trust telling other people about things I had said in confidence.  I guess I’m too careful?  Some of you will read about my relationship with God and tell me that He is my best friend.

This may sound wrong to some, but to me, that relationship is different.  To me, it’s not the same as actually physically talking to someone, or being with someone.  I often dream about being able to be in peace and comfort with someone I really can call my friend.  The other thing I’ve found, and not realised at the time, is that people listen to me, but I never listen to them.  It’s like having a one way close friend.  It’s like they are my friend, but I am not their friend.  The other thing I have found is that many of the friends I did make always tended to be older people.  I guess this had a lot to do with maturity and them understanding me better when I was younger, but now it still seems to be the same.  Unusually (so I’m told), the few people who I could call my real or closer friends who are my own age are all female.  The only thing I can put this down to is that caring instinct that a woman has that a man doesn’t?  It’s always been the case, and that’s the only reason I can think of.  I think I miss having very few friends around me of a similar age, who can relate to the things going on from a similar perspective and life experience as me.

I’m struggling to explain this very well, but I don’t really know what I’ve done wrong, or what I can do!  I try to be social as best as I can, but too often it frustrates me so much to the point I think I would have been better off not bothering.  A few times each year, something comes up which involves an invite to some kind of event, or going out for some drinks with people.  It takes a lot for me to agree to go to these things, especially if it’s not a family event, and in honesty, I don’t go very often.  As I said above, I often feel apart from the rest of the group, or find the situation difficult that it frustrates me (especially if it’s a large group of people or in a large venue), and then I just tend to freeze, and the whole thing gets worse.  I pray that I will have the confidence to overcome this, and be able to be more social.

There is one more inspiration I would like to mention before I finish this post, and that is someone who I went to school with, who passed away a couple of weeks ago, and whose funeral is on Friday (2 days after I am writing this post).  Her name is Kayleigh, and she suffered a daily battle with Cystic Fibrosis.  I didn’t know her particularly more than anyone else at school, and we never really kept in touch other than being friends on Facebook, until about six months ago.  I can’t remember how we started chatting, but both of us were fighting daily battles, albeit very different ones.

Over the weeks, I found I was able to relate to a lot of the things Kayleigh was saying, and she told me she could relate to what I was saying to her.  I know that I prayed that she would find peace and victory in her battle, and I know that although her physical battle has ended, she has found peace, and won, and gone to paradise.  Although I wasn’t able to share with her for a particularly long period, I give thanks to God for her inspiration to keep fighting the daily battle of life, something which I keep doing.  Just like her, I have ups and downs, and her words at times really helped me to fight some difficult issues.

I have decided not to go to her funeral, for some of the reasons I have already set out, but I feel that writing this tribute is enough for me to give thanks for her inspiration to so many people.  I give thanks to God for her life and time with us here.  Her inspiration to me is to keep fighting my daily battle (whatever it throws at us), as she did, and I know that I will one day be able to give her the big hug I promised her when we meet next.  I know that I have eternal peace through Jesus, and will be able to join her in paradise when I have won my battle on earth.