Christmas

Christmas

I’ll start this post with the obvious (apologies if you’re reading this at a later date) by wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous 2013.

Now for the second obvious thing – what Christmas is?  So many people actually celebrate Christmas who have no idea what they are celebrating and why they are celebrating it.  Simple – Christmas is there to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.  I won’t go into it any deeper than that, but I’ve heard so many say they don’t believe in Christmas, yet still celebrate it.  If you’ve given any presents, going to eat Christmas dinner, having time off work to spend with your family – then you’ve celebrated Christmas.  For me, Christmas isn’t about getting drunk, spending hundreds of pounds on presents nobody wants or having a big party with loads of people I don’t know, it’s about dealing with a period of days which is like no others in the year.  For me, dealing with something different, and its unknowns is difficult, and I try to relate everything back to normal things, except that never works with Christmas.

Back in the days when I was a bit younger, Christmas was an exciting time.  All the waiting for the big day, to see what presents had been bought for me, and to have time with the family.  Although my family have never really been far away, or indeed far apart, Christmas was generally a time when we all got together.  As an only child, and indeed for a lot of my childhood, the only child, I was the one who perhaps got all the “good” presents.  My oldest cousin is ten years younger than I am, so by the time there was another child in our family at Christmas, a lot of things had moved on.

Even back then, Christmas wasn’t the easiest time.  I always found the bit before Christmas rather boring – Dad generally worked all hours in the day, night, or any other time, and what time he did put aside was generally spent visiting relatives, who we perhaps only saw a few times each year, and so there was generally not much for a young boy to do apart from get bored.  The bit after Christmas turned into finding someone to play with my new toys with.  For us, New Year has always been a bit of a non-event, aside from probably another gathering of some of the same members of the family for another meal.

As I’ve grown up, the excitement is now much less.  By the time I was a teenager, school would finish, and I’d probably be at work with Dad for a few days before Christmas itself.  What always frustrated me, and indeed still does, is the insistence of needing to be at work “just in case something happens.”  It rarely did, and eventually Mum and I would persuade Dad to go home.  I remember one year, in the tough times at work (see other posts), there being a discussion about the answering phone message that would be left over Christmas.  Dad insisted I record our home phone number on it “just in case”.  I had little choice but to do this.  When we finished and went up – I ‘forgot’ something, and once Dad had gone, the answer phone message was re-recorded without the home phone number.  Nobody missed the lack of that number, and it’s never been on our answering machine message since then. 

Today, that situation is much the same, although with a few more people involved in the family business, a decision has a bit more of an impact, but at the end of Christmas Eve, it[‘s always Mum and I pulling Dad away.  I think this year Dad must already be feeling very ill, as there’s talk of not even going to work on Christmas Eve, as it’s a Monday, and even he says “there’s no point for half a day.”  We’ll see what happens…

In the week or so before Christmas, there are still relatives to go and see and catch up with, although some of those have passed on in recent years.  I still find this difficult, although mainly because they are people I don’t know too well, and so I never really know how to handle them sometimes, or what to say.  I have to admit that in recent years, I’ve perhaps steered away from going with my parents on such visits.  This year, I’ve said I will go, and try to cope with it, but it appears that might not be happening as I’m being struck down with (at the moment as I type this), a sore throat and feeling either very hot, or very cold.  Therefore, since these relatives either have children or are fairly old people, I’m keeping clear.  I’m also fairly tired after a day at work.

One thing I’ve never done is go to parties.  For one, I don’t have many friends I could go to a party with, and I don’t get invited to many either.  That doesn’t bother me, as I find large groups difficult, and especially with people I don’t know very well.  The closest I get is either the Christmas lunch at work (which is basically that we go to the pub for lunch instead of having a lunch break and eating sandwiches) – so basically that’s one of the handful of times I actually get a lunch break in a year.  Or, it’s going to some kind of gathering with my parents, usually with people from church who I may not necessarily get on with that well, and generally only be comfortable around certain people.  Even before the issues I’ve talked about in other posts, I’ve tended to avoid these events in recent years, on the basis that they are too much of a fight for me.  This year, I plan to go to a relatively small gathering (as long as I am well enough to), and have already tackled a Carol Service last weekend – another step to coming back to into the House of God, in putting myself in the same room as some of those who made decisions for me in the past which I didn’t agree with (again – see the previous posts).

Work in the week or so before Christmas usually goes either very busy, or is very quiet.  We’ve had both in recent years.  There are usually a few extra visitors leading up to Christmas – perhaps we might get some gifts from our regular customers or suppliers.  One year we had rather a lot of gifts and promotional items that everyone took home 2 or 3 boxes or bottles or something.  Sadly, as economic times have changed, the amount of such items has come down to what I would describe as sensible!  As the person dealing with both customers and suppliers, it can often be a balancing act between them and everything else if we’re busy, or finding things to do if we’re quiet.  I have to say that in recent years, the abnormal things and visits leading up to Christmas have decreased, although the potential to suddenly go from being quiet to being busy certainly hasn’t!

Once we’ve finished work, I try to switch off from it, just as I do on any normal evening or weekend.  That’s more difficult than it sounds, as particularly Dad doesn’t tend to switch off from work until about Boxing Day!  I find it hard enough being asked about work stuff in the middle of a normal weekend, let alone in the middle of Christmas.  For the last couple of years, Christmas has fallen over a weekend, and so 5 days off work has become normal, and hopefully, will be the same this year with not working on Christmas Eve.  That seems better to me, as even my Dad managed a couple of days without work in his ‘system’.  When I was going through the hard times at work, that time when I could face being around my parents once a couple of days had gone by proved that the problems I was facing were from work, and not from being around my parents.

So, growing up, Christmas Day itself has changed somewhat.  For me, going to church on Christmas Day always has been significant.  As a child, it was perhaps just the done thing, but it is significant to me to meet to celebrate the meaning of Christmas.  After that, the presents have been mainly replaced by envelops containing money generally, and there’s not usually much you can do with that on Christmas Day itself.  Dinner is fairly important still, although as I’ve grown older, the family gathering has shrunk.  This year it’s just my parents and I, and so it will probably feel just like a Sunday roast dinner.  After that, Christmas Day has generally seemed much like any other Sunday, except there are not usually many people around on Skype to talk to, or to develop some computer simulations with.  I try to have a couple of ‘projects’ for things to do over Christmas during this free time.  This is the difficult part of Christmas.  Whilst so many are with their families or friends having a good time, I usually find myself at the computer doing the same things I could do on any Sunday afternoon.

The following days are usually much the same still, and my problem is when I reach a stage of wanting to be social, the options are rather limited.  Even when our family does get together, I’m the only one within 10 years of my own age, and those occasions are not common over Christmas.  Most of my friends have their own families, and whilst I try to respect that, it gets frustrating at times when I see what is just like a normal Sunday, but to others, it’s somehow something more, which I am not able to be a part of, or understand particularly well.

Between Christmas and New Year, it’s back to work for a few days, and that’s just like the run up to Christmas – very busy or very quiet.  The situation is much the same too.  It’s usually hard work for me – once I get my head into work again, it’s time to stop for New Year.  This break is less significant to me.  I haven’t always stayed up to see midnight if there’s been nothing keeping me up.  The days off work are just like more Sundays, with just the same battles as the days over Christmas.  The only break is the day of the model railway club’s exhibition, which is a good way to get out of the house and do something completely different for a day.  Aside from that day, I’m usually doing things by myself, or maybe with the odd person who pops up online to talk to or do something with.  Again, I try to have something lined up to fill the time.

Once 2 January comes around, it’s back to work and carrying on with normality like nothing much happened.  At least then, I’ve got an idea what’s going on from day to day, and there aren’t loads of Sundays thrown in.

I don’t know what you think to Christmas, but that’s my thoughts.  This year, I’m trying to fight some of the more difficult parts in the run up to Christmas, but I expect the bit afterwards will drag again.  I’m trying to find a couple of things to do between Christmas and New Year, and to take the two days off work.  If I can find something, then I will go through the public enquiry into me wanting time off, and get rid of the need to battle for two days stuck in the middle of a week and a half of Sundays.  If not, then it’ll be fighting whatever work throws at me.

Just remember the second paragraph – why we actually celebrate Christmas, and go through all of this.

Fighting Battles – Remembrance Day & Jury Service

Fighting Battles – Remembrance Day & Jury Service

I’ve titled this post “Remembrance Day” as it all comes from what happened on that day this year.  For most, Remembrance Day is all out remembering those who gave up their lives for our freedom.  Whilst I’m not saying this is wrong, and I do my best to respect this, I find it incredibly difficult to relate to something I have little idea about.  This year, I found something about Remembrance Day which I could relate to – that is fighting battles.  I shall try and make this readable for those who don’t share my Christian beliefs (please do keep reading), as well as not missing out the important bits for those who do, and can relate to that part too.

I was asked by my Grandma if I would take her to a Remembrance Day church service at Welton, led by a good friend of mine who is a serviceman.  To her, she told me, there is something significant about a serviceman leading a Remembrance Day service compared with a “normal” person (apologies to any “normal” people – I can’t come up with a better term to use.

To put a bit of context into this, it had been about 2 years since I last went to a “normal” Sunday morning church service.  I have written previously about this (in the section titled “My Faith and Church Life”), and so I won’t go into it further here, other than to say I was asked to leave the church I was a member of at the time, as the leadership felt I was not doing the right thing.  The handful of times I’d been back in between were rather uncomfortable, and I always felt I was being watched by those who had made that decision as to the direction of my faith.

Back to Remembrance Day, and I sat in church with a great feeling that I was on my way back to the right place.  It was the right time, and I was amongst friends (even though I only knew a handful of people in that building).  During the service, I was very emotional, and couldn’t move for some time afterwards as my emotions had overcome me.  I had battled my way back to the House of God after 2 years away, and I knew it was, at last, the right place.  I prayed with friends that I would never be pushed so far away, and that I would hold on this time.

Over the past few weeks since, I have been back to Nettleham church, with the same two people who led me to Welton that day, and I believe I have received a blessing of peace that I am now back in the House of God, and back in a better place than I was before.  I’ve also been back to Welton church as well, and am feeling confident that I’m back on the right path.  Whilst things are not perfect yet, I am building in strength and confidence to move forwards.  At the moment, I still feel I am being watched, and I’m feeling that I still have to keep out of the way of some people.  Where I shall end up, and as part of which church, I’m not yet sure, but I’m exploring options.  The most important thing is that I’ve won the battle, and I believe I’m now fighting against some others who are not fighting wholly for the same team, and that I can move on, with God, to fight my daily battle.  Finally, this Bible verse appeared on my Facebook status the other day, and I feel it is very relevant to this post – Hebrews 1:1 “In the past God spoke to our ancestors many times and in many ways through the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us through his Son.”  In this case, I believe God spoke to a number of people to facilitate my return to His House, and I’ve been welcomed me back with open arms.

Going back to that Remembrance Day service, there were two things that meant a lot to me – the first being the battles.  I’ve talked a lot about my life being a daily battle against situations which occur everyday.  Dealing with people, understanding what they mean, dealing with difficult or different situations – just some of the things you might not even notice in daily life, are just some of the things I really have to address every day.  I can’t relate very well to wars, and what those people did who died for us/our country/our freedom, other than to say it happened.  I can relate to my own battle in life, and I can relate to being lonely, and having to make difficult decisions for myself.  I can relate to having important decisions made for you, just like many men during the wars about what they had t do, which in too many cases, led to them losing their lives.  In my case, that big decision that was made for me to be cast out from the church I belonged to has, after two years of fighting, been won by God, and overturned, so I have the strength and courage to fight once more, and return home.

The everyday battle goes on.  Over the past few weeks, I’ve had a new fight – Jury Service.  I was called up to do my bit for the country.  In short, it was horrible.  I obviously can’t say too much, but I am very grateful for those who prayed for me and supported me through the torture.  Before I went, I tried looking into whether I would be a suitable juror, but couldn’t find a definitive answer.  As my condition is not considered serious, I was unable to be excused on medical grounds.  In the end, rightly or wrongly, I did not say anything about being Autistic.  A Jury is supposed to by representative of the British public, and I was obviously representing the Autistic members of society.

Before I went, various people talked about lots of waiting around – anyone who knows me knows I hate waiting around with nothing to do, especially if I think I could be doing something useful elsewhere.  People also told me that it would be rewarding.  Well, being as I work in a family business, the day before I left was very busy preparing as much as possible for my time away.  Then, at the last moment, the whole thing was put back by 24 hours, so I had a day at work with everything having been prepared the day before!

Day one was the only day of waiting around.  I felt horrible making my way to the court.  I just wanted to be at work.  I felt very nervous, and was visibly shaking at times.  I got there, just in time, got signed in, inducted, and sat there.  I sat there for ages with a group of strangers.  I managed the odd word or to answer the odd question, but no real conversation.  It was awful.  I eventually pushed my head into a book.  Eventually, 2 and a half hours passed, and we were told to go for a long lunch.  I went for a walk, found some lunch, forced myself to eat it, and returned to sit around some more.

Eventually, my name was called out to go into court to be a potential juror.  In court, my name was one of the twelve selected.  I worried whether I’d cope, and whether I should say anything about being Autistic, but I settled with not as I probably should have done earlier if at all.  So, I went and took my place, and we were told to listen to the evidence, not to speculate, and to watch for body language, as that could be as important as what was being said.  Oh dear – not a good start – I might as well have been blind folded!  I don’t understand body language at the best of times, and now I’m being told it was important.  I had to go with the thought that the 11 other people would have to sort that, and they’d discuss anything important.

Anyway, the next 2 days were spent listening to the evidence of both sides.  Day 2 was bearable, but day 3 was getting horrible.  I’d just had enough.  Working for my parents meant that I left court, came home, and got a blow by blow account of why my absence from work was causing everyone such a nightmare.  To say that life wasn’t good that week was an understatement.  Just before lunch on day 3, we were sent out to deliberate.  This was the really awful part.  I was now forced to be locked in a room with 11 strangers and discuss what we’d heard, and reach a unanimous decision.  I think prison would have been better – at least you would have time to have your own thoughts.

A unanimous decision was a long way off.  We discussed things for over three hours, without an outcome.  We were called back into court, and sent home for the weekend, with instructions not to talk about anything at all.  Great – not only had I suffered 3 days of torture, but now I had 2 days to supposedly forget about it all, and lead a normal life!  You try it!  I went back to my old Saturday plan of getting out and well away from anything.  I hadn’t been out like that for some time, and certainly not as late.  I just needed to be away from it all.  It kind of worked, but I was stuck knowing it all had to come back on Monday morning, so the best I could do was hide away my thoughts and emotions, just like I’d done so many times during the really hard times with the work vs home-life issues.

On the Sunday, I went to church.  I don’t remember the service much (writing about it a week or so later), other than just praying and praying and praying for a breakthrough on the Monday.  I managed to persuade a friend in America to talk to me and do some computer simulation development for a few hours on the Sunday, just to push the awfulness out of the way for a few hours.  By the Monday morning, it was all back.  I think the whole group knew that no decision would be reached.  We discussed any thoughts from the weekend, and still we had no answer.  By mid-morning, we were told we could give a majority verdict of 10-2, but that was not close either.  Just before lunch, we were let off.  In my eyes, 4 days wasted, plus two days of my own time scarred by it all.

We went back to the waiting area, and were given the good news.  The next trial starting was scheduled to last 7-8 days.  My heart sank – I was getting really tense inside, and nearly exploded there and then.  We were asked if anyone could not stay for that period, and I could not bring myself to say something.  There was no work reason that I could not do it – other than it would be inconvenient to my parents (but then it already was).  A few people put their hands up, and their names taken.  Then we were told that the other trial scheduled to start was estimated to last for three weeks, and was there anyone who that would cause a problem to.  Before I could calculate that three weeks later would be Christmas, I felt my hand going into the air.  My name was taken, and I waited.  A few minutes later, both sets of people who had indicated were let go.  We were no longer required, and were told that our Jury service was finished.

I think I was the first out of the door, and just walked, quite quickly, away from there, and to my car, trying very hard not to burst into tears.  As it was, I couldn’t drive through my tears, and so had to stop and let the emotions out.  I prayed for strength to push out the negativity, and move on.  I ended up going from there to see my Grandma, and as she opened the door, I just jumped into her arms and burst into tears.  I don’t know how long went by, but it was sometime before I stopped.  The feelings weren’t of happiness, but relief, relief that the torture was over.  We chatted and prayed, and eventually, I felt the strength to go back to work, and carry on as normal.  Even writing this now, a week or so onwards, I’ve been in tears two or three times.  I’ve written it so it is out, and gone from my system.  I pray that I will never have to go back to court, through any door.  I put the whole thing down to life experience – I’ve done it once, and that once is once enough.  Thank you.

In the meantime, I have the same old battles – work, friendships (one I nearly destroyed at the model railway club a couple of weeks ago), family and many more.  I continue to pray for strength, guidance, understanding and healing in my battle through life.

Aspergers at Work – Perhaps a Change?

Aspergers at Work – Perhaps a Change?

It’s been a while since I last posted.  Various projects have come and gone, but basically I’ve been rather busy to put time aside to type something out.

In my first post about work, I wrote a lot about my dealings with suppliers.  I left out the other side of my job – dealing with the customers.  This is probably the part I find more frustrating on a daily basis, that probably being because no one customer is the same, where as with suppliers, I often know what to expect.  With customers – you never know what to expect.

I struggle with the questions I don’t know the answer to.  I often just go blank instead of trying to answer the question.  I also struggle to deal with the situations where someone else has spoken to the customer, and I don’t know what’s happened or has been said.  This is very frustrating, and I often end up venting my anger and frustrations at someone.  I often just wish people will keep me in the loop of what’s happening.

The other big frustration is people who assume things.  The most common is people assume their car will be ready before the end of the day because they brought it into us early – even though it might have been an hour after we opened.  I also get people who assume I can tell them exactly what is wrong with their car without looking at it, even when they can’t tell me what type of car they have.  Oh – and of course – exactly how much it will cost to fix their unknown fault!  All of this, plus the normal frustrations are what I face every day, and on top of this, there are the interactions with my colleagues, which is far from easy at times.  The challenges here are much the same as I have described previously.

After over eight years in my current role, you might wonder why I’m still here.  The short answer is simple – I’ve not managed to find another job yet.  The long answer has much more to it.  About 3 years ago, I hit a dark patch, where every day was a real fight against the issues I face, with customers, suppliers and colleagues alike, and the big issue of working and living with the same people, my parents, meant everything from work impacted on life at home.  Over weeks, the situation worsened, and I found it very difficult to escape from things.  Everything I did was closely monitored, whether or not it had anything to do with my parents or not.  I lost weight over a period of months, and had some very low times indeed.

Eventually things did start to get a bit better.  I can’t place what happened, or why, but today I’m coping.  I wouldn’t say things are perfect – they’re far from it, but I can cope.  I think it’s because I distance myself from work life outside of work a lot more.  I can often be found sat at my computer breaking a Simsig, or chatting on Teamspeak or Skype with people from the Simsig community whilst doing nothing much.  Having that group of people who, largely, accept me for who I am and what I can offer to the group as a whole.  Sadly, they’re at the other end of the country, or even in America or Australia, and it’s not the same as actually physically meeting and chatting with someone – but, it’s better than nothing.

I still try to have one day each week away from most things work or parent related (sometimes this might be as basic as shutting myself in a room with a computer all day, and sometimes going out and getting complete change of surroundings).  The only problem is when this change doesn’t work, and then I find that one week’s issues roll into the next week, and I can’t switch off.  I often feel that I can’t sort out the things that get me down, only hide them (and then they come back).  I can’t consciously put them to one side either.  Sometimes things fall so that it just happens, and sometimes I end up even more frustrated trying to get away from my frustrations.

I’m coping now better than I used to, but things get me down at times.  Even things going on whilst I’ve been writing this have really annoyed me, and I’m trying not to just let it all out in this post.

I have tried a number of times to point my life towards something different, or to split away from my parents.  I know most of the issues come from work (they often don’t occur at work), and so I looked at ways of helping to take away the situations where things occurred.  The obvious one was to look for another job, which I did, and shall come onto in a moment.  I also looked at the option on moving out of home.  From a realistic perspective, living on my own would make finances very tight (not to say I could have done it if I’d had to), but the thing that stuck was that once work was well out of the way, home life wasn’t a problem, and neither was the relationship with my family.

So, I set out to see if I could find a different job.  Being something that was completely foreign to me, I set out to look at areas which I knew about, or had dealings with already.  So, I found myself looking at railway jobs, and jobs relating to vehicle parts.  I’d already had one interview with a supplier at this stage (I didn’t receive an offer), but I sent a number of speculative applications.  I even got to the stage of asking about any short term unpaid work experience.  The few replies I received were either the standard issue responses, or straight negative (aside from those companies who didn’t reply at all).  I did have a couple of conversations with managers at suppliers who I knew quite well, but the general feeling was that although I had the knowledge, and possible some potential, I didn’t have the experience they would be looking for if any vacancies came up.  I ask one rather obvious question – how do I gain that experience then?

During the following months, I had two more interviews for jobs at suppliers – basically selling parts to garages including my parents in some cases.  These second two interviews were different to the first one, in that I didn’t know the people directly involved.  But, as before, I received no offers, and the reasons I got were much the same.  It did however become apparent that one of those interviews was not quite as it seemed.  I was introduced to another manager from their head office – who, together with a manager I did know, was listening into the interview.  Shortly afterwards, that company started changing things, and we have never spent as much money with them since, and I seem always to be not getting the full picture from them.  Even when I bumped into their sales representative the other day, it was very apparent that he had no interest in speaking or dealing with me, even though the issue he had been called to deal with by another garage was an issue for something on the job they were doing for us!

I also applied for some railway jobs – I won’t go into detail as to what these were as it would make it obvious which companies they were for, but I am going to talk about my view on the events and interviews which took place.

I had an interview for a job with one company, with two people I knew well, as well as some assessments.  Although I’d applied for the job, I had also done some work for them behind the scenes on a subject, and it seemed rather convenient that the interview came shortly after, and that I appeared to be added to the day’s list of candidates.  I wasn’t sure how to approach the interview, and putting myself across as confident is probably far from my strong point (certainly something which was picked up on at some subsequent interviews, and fed back to me).  These people knew I had Autism, and I don’t think that helped.  Whether them knowing me made a difference I really don’t know.  But, when it came to the outcome, I was unsuccessful, and they didn’t reply to my request for feedback either, which for a first application with that company, I was disappointed with.

I still see the people who interviewed me to this day, and I’ve put that down to never really being on their shortlist, and only having the interview because of the work I had done.  Over two years or so, I’ve also had 4 interviews with another railway company, for similar roles, but in different locations.  I completed (and passed) their assessments, but it has been the interview stage where I have not been able to be successful.  Given the nature of the roles, I chose not to disclose my Autism – whether or not this was the right thing to do – I don’t know.  But, it’s what I chose.  If I applied now, I would disclose it.  Let’s be honest, anyone could read this, and there’s no point in hiding behind such a major influence on my life, and the way I am.  I know this now, but I didn’t understand things as well back then.  Their interviews are distinctly structured, and so aside from the worries of what to expect, nerves and general difficulties in assessing how I was putting myself across, I really didn’t know what to expect.

The first and second interviews weren’t very good, aside from learning the structure of the questions.  The feedback indicated I lacked confidence and conviction in my answers.  By the third interview, I had spoken with others who had succeeded where I had not, and felt much more confident, although still a bit unsure of myself as to whether I was saying the right things.  This time, from the feedback I received, and the general way I felt being much more positive and comfortable, I hoped for a better outcome.  It wasn’t to be the right option, but the feedback I received was more positive, but again my failing had come down to a lack of specific experience.

The fourth and final interview was the most recent, and was itself now nearly a year ago.  This one didn’t go as well as the third one for whatever reason.  I went into it with events in my life being better than at the times of the previous interviews, and I felt more relaxed, but I think I was perhaps seeing it as something that either would or would not be, rather than really wanting it.  I didn’t get the job.  Indeed, I haven’t applied for another job since then (not without looking), but other things are not as bad as they were, and the obvious roles which have come up are either too far away from me, or have been taken by others I know in our industry with more experience.

Looking back over time, I know why I was unsuccessful with some things I tried, and for others, I know it was not the right time, or that the person who was given that job was the right person for it.  I’m sure there is little point in hiding my Autism, as it will probably only come back and bite me afterwards, and I believe in being honest.  I thank my friends and family for their prayers and support in some very difficult times, and through some difficult challenges.

Moving forwards, I’m not really sure where life is taking me at the moment.  Things are certainly much better than 2-3 years ago, although far from perfect.  I feel that my current job is a bit single ended, and I keep looking for ways to move on without taking a big jump or direction change.  If I was to look at something different, then I simply have no idea what, and so I’m not looking.  I pray that when the right time comes, the right opportunity will become available for me to move forwards in my career, and that the people involved will see me for who I am, and what I can offer.