Friendships and Relationships

Friendships and Relationships

One of the most difficult things to me is dealing with social situations, in whatever forms that may be.  I often find myself alone thinking “what would I be doing if I didn’t have the difficulties I do”?  During my teenage years, I found making friends very difficult, and keeping the few I had made over time even more difficult, but I have covered this already.  I hardly speak to any of the people I knew from school now, probably because when I left, I just wanted out, but also because I never had that best friend or group of friends most of you have.

I went through a period where I did very little socialising with anyone roughly my own age.  I had a few friends through church, and through my railway connections.  When I went to college, I never really made any real friends.  When I joined a local model railway club (probably my first move to join up with a group of people to work together as a team in the adult world), I did over time make friends with most of the members there.  Although there are a few people I find difficult, there are also a few good friends who I get on and work really well with.  Although I’ve tried, there aren’t many who I can transfer that friendship to things outside of the model railway club, which has generally been the same for so many groups and activities.  In some things, I have friends within that organisation, but have to switch to another group of friends when I do something different.

Unfortunately, sometimes this is very difficult.  I find myself trying to be a part of one of these groups of friends at times, sometimes when they seem not to want to be my friend.  I’ve had to leave a couple of groups because the lack of responses towards me was causing me more frustration than the happiness and fulfilment I got from the good times.  I often find that my friendship groups only last for a period of time, and I think this is because I seem to always be on the outside of the group, and never break into its core.

I don’t understand why it is that friendships come so difficult to me.  People say it’s because of the way I perceive others, or that I can be too negative and sharp with people.  I don’t understand this, but I try and try sometimes, and get nowhere easily.  Whilst I don’t get the groups and people pushing me out like happened at school, there does still seem to be people who fight against me, rather than many who just ignore me.

I think one of the biggest things I come up against is getting emotions out of my system.  In the past, I just used to cry, at times a lot, because I knew no other way.  I think I’m a bit better at controlling them now, but unfortunately I seem to get angry quite easily instead.  I’ve got much better at controlling the anger over time as well, but I’m learning how to deal with my emotions, and still struggling at times.  I think part of the issue is being tied to a small spectrum in my life (something for another day, but basically living and working with the same people), and not always being able to get very far away from every day life.

One thing I have learnt to do is to have time away, often at the weekend, where I’ll just go out somewhere, and spend time, often by myself, doing nothing much at all.  Sometimes it might be a couple of hours, sometimes many hours.  Sometimes I come back feeling refreshed, other times I struggle even then to get things out of my system, and it all rolls into the next thing.  One change that I have noticed, is that when I go out for a day, or away for a few days, I often go now to meet up with friends who perhaps I only see a few times each year, rather than for the actual activity (which is usually railway related).  I find I get as much satisfaction from being a real part of a group of friends for that short time, than from the activity itself – probably because I often don’t get the same social interaction in my daily life.

Whilst these irregular occasions are very good at helping me along, there are usually long gaps in between (particularly during the winter months) where we don’t meet.  There are plenty of times when most people need a friend they can trust to talk to, and for me, that’s really difficult struggling with often just myself.  I’ve been hurt in the past by people telling me that they can be trusted, only to prove that I can’t trust them when things I say get passed on to others.  I guess that makes me cautious and aware of what I say to whom, and maybe I’m too cautious (I don’t know)? I guess most of you reading this have that ‘best friend or friends’ you can talk to about anything, and likewise those friends can talk to you about anything.  I just don’t have that.  Yes I have a handful of people I can talk to about certain things (goes back to the groups of friends through specific groups or activities), but I often wish there was someone I could talk to.  Instead I have to either hold my feelings, thoughts and emotions inside, or find a different way of bringing them out.  I guess writing this is part of that?  I’m not sure quite what I can do about this, other than keep trying my best, and hopefully one day, life will become that bit easier.

The other thing that people ask me about from time to time is my girlfriend.  Well – the simple matter is that I don’t have one, and never have had.  (That’s not because I’m gay before anyone asks).  The reasons are probably exactly as I’ve already mentioned above, so I won’t repeat myself.  I don’t know whether I want one or not either – there’s a lot of me thinking that I know the way I am, and I know my life, and I know how to deal with most of what goes on, and there’s the other part which is a struggle being alone.  I often wish I knew someone I could just sit there and be with, and feel completely comfortable with – I guess that’s what love is, but having never experienced anything like it, I don’t really know.  I think what I miss is having that person I can trust, and tell anything to, and know that what I’ve said will be kept to them.  To me, love would be something that grows – I don’t see it as instant, and I see it as long term.  Some people may disagree with me, but that’s my opinion.  Maybe someday I’ll be married and have children, and might look back on this and say I was wrong.

I don’t go around looking for any kinds of friendships (whether that’s the right or wrong approach), but mainly because I struggle to instigate things, and so I usually join onto something set up by others, which sometimes works, but I’ve found often to be difficult.  I try my best to value the friendships I have, but one thing I’ve become aware of is that the friends I do have probably mean more to me than I do to them, I think because of the relatively few friends I have compared with most people.  The problem there is that I probably try to push friendships to fill the gaps I have, when often the ‘friend’ doesn’t wish to reciprocate.

It’s difficult for me to imagine life as something different to now, but being in a relationship with someone does scare me.  I’ve had so many friendships which I’ve perhaps pushed too far, which subsequently ended because I didn’t understand a situation, or I misinterpreted something, and it scares me that something like that happening with such a close friendship would hurt me even more.  I’ve been in situations where things I put a lot of time into making right get taken away by someone else, and then it leaves a big gap, which I find really hard to fill.  It’s those times where I most need friends, and those times where I struggle most.  There are definitely times where I’ve been too public with my feelings (especially on things like Facebook and Skype), but there are also times where ‘e-friends’ have helped me.  Even to me, real face-to-face friends are different to talking to someone online, or even to seeing them on a webcam (such as on Skype).  Often when I’m down, I just wish someone would pick me up and give me a hug, and to me, it’s just not the same doing that online as in person!

In closing this piece, I would like to add that I try my best not to upset people, and not to misinterpret people, but it’s really hard.  Very few people will understand just how difficult a simple conversation can be sometimes with one person, let alone at a big event or party.  That’s probably why I avoid large groups and big events, simply because I don’t feel comfortable enough and relaxed enough to get anything from them, and so I just don’t go!  I know I’ve upset lots of people over the years, or I’ve pushed things too far – if you’re one of those people – then I’m sorry.

I dream of a day when I can see people normally, and interact on a level basis, but until that day, all I can do is my best.