My Faith and Church Life

My Faith and Church Life

I will start with something which has always been important to be, and something which has been an influence on me for a long time.  That is my Christian beliefs and Faith in God.

From an early age, I was taken to church at the Methodist Church in Nettleham by my Mum (at this time, I don’t remember my Dad attending with us).  She ran the Sunday School for many years, so I went to that too.  Even then, I found that very frustrating.  I remember hating many of the games played, and found a lot of the activities well below my level.  I remember occasionally being allowed not to go and given the chance to do something with my Dad (probably involving visiting his Mum, or something work related), and I remember enjoying that more, probably because I had my own freedom and space.

As I entered senior school age, I became part of a local Christian Youth Group, eventually after various forms, it became “Mountain Movers.”  It lasted all through my school life nearly.  It grew my Christian beliefs and Faith.  Looking back, I gained a lot and learnt a lot from this group, and made some friends at the time.  The early days were rather difficult.  Again, as a younger member, I found a lot of the games and activities difficult, although the Bible Study was more interesting and challenging to me.

As I grew older, the balance was aimed more towards the rewarding aspects of the group, and so I grew in my beliefs and faith.  It was during this time that I started to take an interest in the sound system we used for the worship sessions (I say sound system – I recall it wasn’t much more than an amplifier and a couple of microphones).  I remember becoming basically what was a junior to one of the leaders who ran this part of the group.

Over the following two or three years, I became part of what became our own worship team, running the PA system.  For me, this was very rewarding, but not without frustrations.  The experts say people with Aspergers are perfectionists, and I can see that.  However, I don’t think that’s the whole story.  As a Christian, worship to me is a way at connecting to God in only a way that is whole.  I found that most churches do this through singing, but increasingly I found this wasn’t working for me.  I did find that mixing the sound was my way to worship, and to feel at one with God.  In time, and through events over the years, I don’t think the various worship leaders I worked with could understand this.

Back in my own church at Nettleham, I started getting involved with the worship team there.  Still part of the Sunday School (although more for teenagers by now), I became frustrated with the bias of games and study, and so began to look for alternatives.  The alternative came at the most unlikeliest of events.  The church family went away to a study weekend away, and I went as a young person, and at the age of 15, was expected to be part of the young people’s group (I can’t remember what the proper term used was, but it doesn’t matter).  I think that it had become apparent to the leaders that I was struggling more and more to fit in with the group, and so I was offered the chance to join the adult church in their study times.  I remember there being a few people who didn’t like the idea, and I remember my Dad having a battle to make it happen.  I don’t recall exactly what happened, but the person who was supposed to be running the PA system didn’t arrive, or was late, and so I ended up running it for the evening.  I remember that evening during worship feeling so great that I had grown up, and was being accepted into the adult body of the church, and was able to connect with God without the distractions imposed as part of the youth group.  At the end of the evening, I was asked to carry on what I’d done for the rest of the weekend, which I did.

From then on, I went to church to the main church service, even though I was still at the age I should (in theory) have been part of the youth group.  I had found my own jump into adult church and through my skills and worship on the PA rota, acceptance by the people who were initially against me.  Over the following years, I increasingly pushed for the PA to be seen more as a part of the worship team (as well as the instrumentalists and singers), and eventually I was able to be a part of what often became the most fulfilling part of my week, the practice/rehearsal, which for me was a worship session in its own right.  I grew my beliefs, faith and ability to connect to God yet further, and was baptised in 2007.

After this, I was encouraged to join a cell group (basically a small group of Christians who meet together and studied together on a weekly basis, hopefully with the aim to grow together in God).  For me to do this was very difficult, especially given the people in the group I pushed towards were all at least 40 years older than me!  Whilst I did learn a few things and gain some positive experiences, it became noticeable that it wasn’t right for me to continue in the group.  I welcomed the end of the discomfort, and a chance to move onto something else.  For me to make friends is very difficult.  I often misinterpret things and misunderstand things, and to try and fit in with people who had a very different outlook on life was difficult.  Saying that, in the youth group days, I found being a part of a group of peers my own age very difficult, possibly as I perhaps “matured” quicker than a lot of teenagers, and possibly because they did not understand how I thought about things and did things.  I always found adults easier to befriend, and to this day, I find I have very few friends of my own age.  There was one thing that came from those months – I gained a prayer partner from it.  Looking back, I realize how valuable our time together was, I was starting to stumble across difficult times.  Although we don’t meet together regularly anymore, partly because of what happened below, he is still a good friend, and was one of the few who understood what had happened, and how I felt about things.

Over the following three years, other situations in my life worsened (see other sections), and I increasingly found church and God as my way to peace and freedom.  I still found fulfilling worship difficult to come by, although by now I had been entrusted with the PA system most weeks, and thought I had been accepted as part of the worship team properly (I still think some people saw it that way).  What came in October 2010 was very difficult, at what was a very difficult time for me.  I was asked by the church to consider my position on the PA rota.  The church leaders had discussed the situation, and felt my influence was not the right way, and they recommended to me to step aside, on the basis that I was not able to worship as I was always involved in the services, rather than part of the congregation.  As I mentioned, things were very difficult at work, and I had had a number of issues and also rejections, and I remember being in tears on a number of occasions just wishing that Sunday mornings could last a bit longer, and I could keep hold of the peace I received through worship.  However, the following Sunday morning was to be my last behind the PA desk, as I was told afterwards, whilst in tears, to either stand aside, or I would be asked to.  I was told it would be the right thing to do to resign and leave, and so one evening that week, I spent what was basically the whole evening typing the said e-mail.  To say it was difficult and emotional is an understatement, and the most difficult part was feeling that I had to something I didn’t agree with, and putting that into words which weren’t necessarily the truth, but would satisfy those who forced the decision on me.

So, my time with God after that has become a lot more personal since then.  You could say more passive than previously, but certainly a lot more closed.  I still do bible study, but on a much more personal level.  Whether this is entirely right or wrong I don’t know, but it seems to me like I struggle so much in a big group.  I feel like I’ve lost some friends through what happened, and most notably my prayer partner, as since then, I have felt very awkward being in the church, and around certain people (which has had an affect at work).  I found even people I thought I could trust couldn’t understand what had happened, and some accused me of lying.  For a year, I only had about three occasions when I did anything church related (things like Christmas Day, which I remember was horrible being surrounded by people trying to make out as though everything was OK).  Things have settled down a bit now, but I still am not part of the community I feel I perhaps should be.  I still have my faith that God will bring to me to the right place – it just seems to be taking a while.