Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Christmas

Christmas
I’ll start this post with the obvious (apologies if you’re reading this at a later date) by wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous 2013.

Now for the second obvious thing – what Christmas is?  So many people actually celebrate Christmas who have no idea what they are celebrating and why they are celebrating it.  Simple – Christmas is there to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.  I won’t go into it any deeper than that, but I’ve heard so many say they don’t believe in Christmas, yet still celebrate it.  If you’ve given any presents, going to eat Christmas dinner, having time off work to spend with your family – then you’ve celebrated Christmas.  For me, Christmas isn’t about getting drunk, spending hundreds of pounds on presents nobody wants or having a big party with loads of people I don’t know, it’s about dealing with a period of days which is like no others in the year.  For me, dealing with something different, and its unknowns is difficult, and I try to relate everything back to normal things, except that never works with Christmas.

Back in the days when I was a bit younger, Christmas was an exciting time.  All the waiting for the big day, to see what presents had been bought for me, and to have time with the family.  Although my family have never really been far away, or indeed far apart, Christmas was generally a time when we all got together.  As an only child, and indeed for a lot of my childhood, the only child, I was the one who perhaps got all the “good” presents.  My oldest cousin is ten years younger than I am, so by the time there was another child in our family at Christmas, a lot of things had moved on.

Even back then, Christmas wasn’t the easiest time.  I always found the bit before Christmas rather boring – Dad generally worked all hours in the day, night, or any other time, and what time he did put aside was generally spent visiting relatives, who we perhaps only saw a few times each year, and so there was generally not much for a young boy to do apart from get bored.  The bit after Christmas turned into finding someone to play with my new toys with.  For us, New Year has always been a bit of a non-event, aside from probably another gathering of some of the same members of the family for another meal.

As I’ve grown up, the excitement is now much less.  By the time I was a teenager, school would finish, and I’d probably be at work with Dad for a few days before Christmas itself.  What always frustrated me, and indeed still does, is the insistence of needing to be at work “just in case something happens.”  It rarely did, and eventually Mum and I would persuade Dad to go home.  I remember one year, in the tough times at work (see other posts), there being a discussion about the answering phone message that would be left over Christmas.  Dad insisted I record our home phone number on it “just in case”.  I had little choice but to do this.  When we finished and went up – I ‘forgot’ something, and once Dad had gone, the answer phone message was re-recorded without the home phone number.  Nobody missed the lack of that number, and it’s never been on our answering machine message since then. 

Today, that situation is much the same, although with a few more people involved in the family business, a decision has a bit more of an impact, but at the end of Christmas Eve, it[‘s always Mum and I pulling Dad away.  I think this year Dad must already be feeling very ill, as there’s talk of not even going to work on Christmas Eve, as it’s a Monday, and even he says “there’s no point for half a day.”  We’ll see what happens…

In the week or so before Christmas, there are still relatives to go and see and catch up with, although some of those have passed on in recent years.  I still find this difficult, although mainly because they are people I don’t know too well, and so I never really know how to handle them sometimes, or what to say.  I have to admit that in recent years, I’ve perhaps steered away from going with my parents on such visits.  This year, I’ve said I will go, and try to cope with it, but it appears that might not be happening as I’m being struck down with (at the moment as I type this), a sore throat and feeling either very hot, or very cold.  Therefore, since these relatives either have children or are fairly old people, I’m keeping clear.  I’m also fairly tired after a day at work.

One thing I’ve never done is go to parties.  For one, I don’t have many friends I could go to a party with, and I don’t get invited to many either.  That doesn’t bother me, as I find large groups difficult, and especially with people I don’t know very well.  The closest I get is either the Christmas lunch at work (which is basically that we go to the pub for lunch instead of having a lunch break and eating sandwiches) – so basically that’s one of the handful of times I actually get a lunch break in a year.  Or, it’s going to some kind of gathering with my parents, usually with people from church who I may not necessarily get on with that well, and generally only be comfortable around certain people.  Even before the issues I’ve talked about in other posts, I’ve tended to avoid these events in recent years, on the basis that they are too much of a fight for me.  This year, I plan to go to a relatively small gathering (as long as I am well enough to), and have already tackled a Carol Service last weekend – another step to coming back to into the House of God, in putting myself in the same room as some of those who made decisions for me in the past which I didn’t agree with (again – see the previous posts).

Work in the week or so before Christmas usually goes either very busy, or is very quiet.  We’ve had both in recent years.  There are usually a few extra visitors leading up to Christmas – perhaps we might get some gifts from our regular customers or suppliers.  One year we had rather a lot of gifts and promotional items that everyone took home 2 or 3 boxes or bottles or something.  Sadly, as economic times have changed, the amount of such items has come down to what I would describe as sensible!  As the person dealing with both customers and suppliers, it can often be a balancing act between them and everything else if we’re busy, or finding things to do if we’re quiet.  I have to say that in recent years, the abnormal things and visits leading up to Christmas have decreased, although the potential to suddenly go from being quiet to being busy certainly hasn’t!

Once we’ve finished work, I try to switch off from it, just as I do on any normal evening or weekend.  That’s more difficult than it sounds, as particularly Dad doesn’t tend to switch off from work until about Boxing Day!  I find it hard enough being asked about work stuff in the middle of a normal weekend, let alone in the middle of Christmas.  For the last couple of years, Christmas has fallen over a weekend, and so 5 days off work has become normal, and hopefully, will be the same this year with not working on Christmas Eve.  That seems better to me, as even my Dad managed a couple of days without work in his ‘system’.  When I was going through the hard times at work, that time when I could face being around my parents once a couple of days had gone by proved that the problems I was facing were from work, and not from being around my parents.

So, growing up, Christmas Day itself has changed somewhat.  For me, going to church on Christmas Day always has been significant.  As a child, it was perhaps just the done thing, but it is significant to me to meet to celebrate the meaning of Christmas.  After that, the presents have been mainly replaced by envelops containing money generally, and there’s not usually much you can do with that on Christmas Day itself.  Dinner is fairly important still, although as I’ve grown older, the family gathering has shrunk.  This year it’s just my parents and I, and so it will probably feel just like a Sunday roast dinner.  After that, Christmas Day has generally seemed much like any other Sunday, except there are not usually many people around on Skype to talk to, or to develop some computer simulations with.  I try to have a couple of ‘projects’ for things to do over Christmas during this free time.  This is the difficult part of Christmas.  Whilst so many are with their families or friends having a good time, I usually find myself at the computer doing the same things I could do on any Sunday afternoon.

The following days are usually much the same still, and my problem is when I reach a stage of wanting to be social, the options are rather limited.  Even when our family does get together, I’m the only one within 10 years of my own age, and those occasions are not common over Christmas.  Most of my friends have their own families, and whilst I try to respect that, it gets frustrating at times when I see what is just like a normal Sunday, but to others, it’s somehow something more, which I am not able to be a part of, or understand particularly well.

Between Christmas and New Year, it’s back to work for a few days, and that’s just like the run up to Christmas – very busy or very quiet.  The situation is much the same too.  It’s usually hard work for me – once I get my head into work again, it’s time to stop for New Year.  This break is less significant to me.  I haven’t always stayed up to see midnight if there’s been nothing keeping me up.  The days off work are just like more Sundays, with just the same battles as the days over Christmas.  The only break is the day of the model railway club’s exhibition, which is a good way to get out of the house and do something completely different for a day.  Aside from that day, I’m usually doing things by myself, or maybe with the odd person who pops up online to talk to or do something with.  Again, I try to have something lined up to fill the time.

Once 2 January comes around, it’s back to work and carrying on with normality like nothing much happened.  At least then, I’ve got an idea what’s going on from day to day, and there aren’t loads of Sundays thrown in.

I don’t know what you think to Christmas, but that’s my thoughts.  This year, I’m trying to fight some of the more difficult parts in the run up to Christmas, but I expect the bit afterwards will drag again.  I’m trying to find a couple of things to do between Christmas and New Year, and to take the two days off work.  If I can find something, then I will go through the public enquiry into me wanting time off, and get rid of the need to battle for two days stuck in the middle of a week and a half of Sundays.  If not, then it’ll be fighting whatever work throws at me.

Just remember the second paragraph – why we actually celebrate Christmas, and go through all of this.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Fighting Battles – Remembrance Day & Jury Service

Fighting Battles – Remembrance Day & Jury Service
I’ve titled this post “Remembrance Day” as it all comes from what happened on that day this year.  For most, Remembrance Day is all out remembering those who gave up their lives for our freedom.  Whilst I’m not saying this is wrong, and I do my best to respect this, I find it incredibly difficult to relate to something I have little idea about.  This year, I found something about Remembrance Day which I could relate to – that is fighting battles.  I shall try and make this readable for those who don’t share my Christian beliefs (please do keep reading), as well as not missing out the important bits for those who do, and can relate to that part too.

I was asked by my Grandma if I would take her to a Remembrance Day church service at Welton, led by a good friend of mine who is a serviceman.  To her, she told me, there is something significant about a serviceman leading a Remembrance Day service compared with a “normal” person (apologies to any “normal” people – I can’t come up with a better term to use.

To put a bit of context into this, it had been about 2 years since I last went to a “normal” Sunday morning church service.  I have written previously about this (in the section titled “My Faith and Church Life”), and so I won’t go into it further here, other than to say I was asked to leave the church I was a member of at the time, as the leadership felt I was not doing the right thing.  The handful of times I’d been back in between were rather uncomfortable, and I always felt I was being watched by those who had made that decision as to the direction of my faith.

Back to Remembrance Day, and I sat in church with a great feeling that I was on my way back to the right place.  It was the right time, and I was amongst friends (even though I only knew a handful of people in that building).  During the service, I was very emotional, and couldn’t move for some time afterwards as my emotions had overcome me.  I had battled my way back to the House of God after 2 years away, and I knew it was, at last, the right place.  I prayed with friends that I would never be pushed so far away, and that I would hold on this time.

Over the past few weeks since, I have been back to Nettleham church, with the same two people who led me to Welton that day, and I believe I have received a blessing of peace that I am now back in the House of God, and back in a better place than I was before.  I’ve also been back to Welton church as well, and am feeling confident that I’m back on the right path.  Whilst things are not perfect yet, I am building in strength and confidence to move forwards.  At the moment, I still feel I am being watched, and I’m feeling that I still have to keep out of the way of some people.  Where I shall end up, and as part of which church, I’m not yet sure, but I’m exploring options.  The most important thing is that I’ve won the battle, and I believe I’m now fighting against some others who are not fighting wholly for the same team, and that I can move on, with God, to fight my daily battle.  Finally, this Bible verse appeared on my Facebook status the other day, and I feel it is very relevant to this post – Hebrews 1:1 “In the past God spoke to our ancestors many times and in many ways through the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us through his Son.”  In this case, I believe God spoke to a number of people to facilitate my return to His House, and I’ve been welcomed me back with open arms.

Going back to that Remembrance Day service, there were two things that meant a lot to me – the first being the battles.  I’ve talked a lot about my life being a daily battle against situations which occur everyday.  Dealing with people, understanding what they mean, dealing with difficult or different situations – just some of the things you might not even notice in daily life, are just some of the things I really have to address every day.  I can’t relate very well to wars, and what those people did who died for us/our country/our freedom, other than to say it happened.  I can relate to my own battle in life, and I can relate to being lonely, and having to make difficult decisions for myself.  I can relate to having important decisions made for you, just like many men during the wars about what they had t do, which in too many cases, led to them losing their lives.  In my case, that big decision that was made for me to be cast out from the church I belonged to has, after two years of fighting, been won by God, and overturned, so I have the strength and courage to fight once more, and return home.

The everyday battle goes on.  Over the past few weeks, I’ve had a new fight – Jury Service.  I was called up to do my bit for the country.  In short, it was horrible.  I obviously can’t say too much, but I am very grateful for those who prayed for me and supported me through the torture.  Before I went, I tried looking into whether I would be a suitable juror, but couldn’t find a definitive answer.  As my condition is not considered serious, I was unable to be excused on medical grounds.  In the end, rightly or wrongly, I did not say anything about being Autistic.  A Jury is supposed to by representative of the British public, and I was obviously representing the Autistic members of society.

Before I went, various people talked about lots of waiting around – anyone who knows me knows I hate waiting around with nothing to do, especially if I think I could be doing something useful elsewhere.  People also told me that it would be rewarding.  Well, being as I work in a family business, the day before I left was very busy preparing as much as possible for my time away.  Then, at the last moment, the whole thing was put back by 24 hours, so I had a day at work with everything having been prepared the day before!

Day one was the only day of waiting around.  I felt horrible making my way to the court.  I just wanted to be at work.  I felt very nervous, and was visibly shaking at times.  I got there, just in time, got signed in, inducted, and sat there.  I sat there for ages with a group of strangers.  I managed the odd word or to answer the odd question, but no real conversation.  It was awful.  I eventually pushed my head into a book.  Eventually, 2 and a half hours passed, and we were told to go for a long lunch.  I went for a walk, found some lunch, forced myself to eat it, and returned to sit around some more.

Eventually, my name was called out to go into court to be a potential juror.  In court, my name was one of the twelve selected.  I worried whether I’d cope, and whether I should say anything about being Autistic, but I settled with not as I probably should have done earlier if at all.  So, I went and took my place, and we were told to listen to the evidence, not to speculate, and to watch for body language, as that could be as important as what was being said.  Oh dear – not a good start – I might as well have been blind folded!  I don’t understand body language at the best of times, and now I’m being told it was important.  I had to go with the thought that the 11 other people would have to sort that, and they’d discuss anything important.

Anyway, the next 2 days were spent listening to the evidence of both sides.  Day 2 was bearable, but day 3 was getting horrible.  I’d just had enough.  Working for my parents meant that I left court, came home, and got a blow by blow account of why my absence from work was causing everyone such a nightmare.  To say that life wasn’t good that week was an understatement.  Just before lunch on day 3, we were sent out to deliberate.  This was the really awful part.  I was now forced to be locked in a room with 11 strangers and discuss what we’d heard, and reach a unanimous decision.  I think prison would have been better – at least you would have time to have your own thoughts.

A unanimous decision was a long way off.  We discussed things for over three hours, without an outcome.  We were called back into court, and sent home for the weekend, with instructions not to talk about anything at all.  Great – not only had I suffered 3 days of torture, but now I had 2 days to supposedly forget about it all, and lead a normal life!  You try it!  I went back to my old Saturday plan of getting out and well away from anything.  I hadn’t been out like that for some time, and certainly not as late.  I just needed to be away from it all.  It kind of worked, but I was stuck knowing it all had to come back on Monday morning, so the best I could do was hide away my thoughts and emotions, just like I’d done so many times during the really hard times with the work vs home-life issues.

On the Sunday, I went to church.  I don’t remember the service much (writing about it a week or so later), other than just praying and praying and praying for a breakthrough on the Monday.  I managed to persuade a friend in America to talk to me and do some computer simulation development for a few hours on the Sunday, just to push the awfulness out of the way for a few hours.  By the Monday morning, it was all back.  I think the whole group knew that no decision would be reached.  We discussed any thoughts from the weekend, and still we had no answer.  By mid-morning, we were told we could give a majority verdict of 10-2, but that was not close either.  Just before lunch, we were let off.  In my eyes, 4 days wasted, plus two days of my own time scarred by it all.

We went back to the waiting area, and were given the good news.  The next trial starting was scheduled to last 7-8 days.  My heart sank – I was getting really tense inside, and nearly exploded there and then.  We were asked if anyone could not stay for that period, and I could not bring myself to say something.  There was no work reason that I could not do it – other than it would be inconvenient to my parents (but then it already was).  A few people put their hands up, and their names taken.  Then we were told that the other trial scheduled to start was estimated to last for three weeks, and was there anyone who that would cause a problem to.  Before I could calculate that three weeks later would be Christmas, I felt my hand going into the air.  My name was taken, and I waited.  A few minutes later, both sets of people who had indicated were let go.  We were no longer required, and were told that our Jury service was finished.

I think I was the first out of the door, and just walked, quite quickly, away from there, and to my car, trying very hard not to burst into tears.  As it was, I couldn’t drive through my tears, and so had to stop and let the emotions out.  I prayed for strength to push out the negativity, and move on.  I ended up going from there to see my Grandma, and as she opened the door, I just jumped into her arms and burst into tears.  I don’t know how long went by, but it was sometime before I stopped.  The feelings weren’t of happiness, but relief, relief that the torture was over.  We chatted and prayed, and eventually, I felt the strength to go back to work, and carry on as normal.  Even writing this now, a week or so onwards, I’ve been in tears two or three times.  I’ve written it so it is out, and gone from my system.  I pray that I will never have to go back to court, through any door.  I put the whole thing down to life experience – I’ve done it once, and that once is once enough.  Thank you.

In the meantime, I have the same old battles – work, friendships (one I nearly destroyed at the model railway club a couple of weeks ago), family and many more.  I continue to pray for strength, guidance, understanding and healing in my battle through life.

Aspergers at Work – Perhaps a Change?

Aspergers at Work – Perhaps a Change?
It’s been a while since I last posted.  Various projects have come and gone, but basically I’ve been rather busy to put time aside to type something out.

In my first post about work, I wrote a lot about my dealings with suppliers.  I left out the other side of my job – dealing with the customers.  This is probably the part I find more frustrating on a daily basis, that probably being because no one customer is the same, where as with suppliers, I often know what to expect.  With customers – you never know what to expect.

I struggle with the questions I don’t know the answer to.  I often just go blank instead of trying to answer the question.  I also struggle to deal with the situations where someone else has spoken to the customer, and I don’t know what’s happened or has been said.  This is very frustrating, and I often end up venting my anger and frustrations at someone.  I often just wish people will keep me in the loop of what’s happening.

The other big frustration is people who assume things.  The most common is people assume their car will be ready before the end of the day because they brought it into us early – even though it might have been an hour after we opened.  I also get people who assume I can tell them exactly what is wrong with their car without looking at it, even when they can’t tell me what type of car they have.  Oh – and of course – exactly how much it will cost to fix their unknown fault!  All of this, plus the normal frustrations are what I face every day, and on top of this, there are the interactions with my colleagues, which is far from easy at times.  The challenges here are much the same as I have described previously.

After over eight years in my current role, you might wonder why I’m still here.  The short answer is simple – I’ve not managed to find another job yet.  The long answer has much more to it.  About 3 years ago, I hit a dark patch, where every day was a real fight against the issues I face, with customers, suppliers and colleagues alike, and the big issue of working and living with the same people, my parents, meant everything from work impacted on life at home.  Over weeks, the situation worsened, and I found it very difficult to escape from things.  Everything I did was closely monitored, whether or not it had anything to do with my parents or not.  I lost weight over a period of months, and had some very low times indeed.

Eventually things did start to get a bit better.  I can’t place what happened, or why, but today I’m coping.  I wouldn’t say things are perfect – they’re far from it, but I can cope.  I think it’s because I distance myself from work life outside of work a lot more.  I can often be found sat at my computer breaking a Simsig, or chatting on Teamspeak or Skype with people from the Simsig community whilst doing nothing much.  Having that group of people who, largely, accept me for who I am and what I can offer to the group as a whole.  Sadly, they’re at the other end of the country, or even in America or Australia, and it’s not the same as actually physically meeting and chatting with someone – but, it’s better than nothing.

I still try to have one day each week away from most things work or parent related (sometimes this might be as basic as shutting myself in a room with a computer all day, and sometimes going out and getting complete change of surroundings).  The only problem is when this change doesn’t work, and then I find that one week’s issues roll into the next week, and I can’t switch off.  I often feel that I can’t sort out the things that get me down, only hide them (and then they come back).  I can’t consciously put them to one side either.  Sometimes things fall so that it just happens, and sometimes I end up even more frustrated trying to get away from my frustrations.

I’m coping now better than I used to, but things get me down at times.  Even things going on whilst I’ve been writing this have really annoyed me, and I’m trying not to just let it all out in this post.

I have tried a number of times to point my life towards something different, or to split away from my parents.  I know most of the issues come from work (they often don’t occur at work), and so I looked at ways of helping to take away the situations where things occurred.  The obvious one was to look for another job, which I did, and shall come onto in a moment.  I also looked at the option on moving out of home.  From a realistic perspective, living on my own would make finances very tight (not to say I could have done it if I’d had to), but the thing that stuck was that once work was well out of the way, home life wasn’t a problem, and neither was the relationship with my family.

So, I set out to see if I could find a different job.  Being something that was completely foreign to me, I set out to look at areas which I knew about, or had dealings with already.  So, I found myself looking at railway jobs, and jobs relating to vehicle parts.  I’d already had one interview with a supplier at this stage (I didn’t receive an offer), but I sent a number of speculative applications.  I even got to the stage of asking about any short term unpaid work experience.  The few replies I received were either the standard issue responses, or straight negative (aside from those companies who didn’t reply at all).  I did have a couple of conversations with managers at suppliers who I knew quite well, but the general feeling was that although I had the knowledge, and possible some potential, I didn’t have the experience they would be looking for if any vacancies came up.  I ask one rather obvious question – how do I gain that experience then?

During the following months, I had two more interviews for jobs at suppliers – basically selling parts to garages including my parents in some cases.  These second two interviews were different to the first one, in that I didn’t know the people directly involved.  But, as before, I received no offers, and the reasons I got were much the same.  It did however become apparent that one of those interviews was not quite as it seemed.  I was introduced to another manager from their head office – who, together with a manager I did know, was listening into the interview.  Shortly afterwards, that company started changing things, and we have never spent as much money with them since, and I seem always to be not getting the full picture from them.  Even when I bumped into their sales representative the other day, it was very apparent that he had no interest in speaking or dealing with me, even though the issue he had been called to deal with by another garage was an issue for something on the job they were doing for us!

I also applied for some railway jobs – I won’t go into detail as to what these were as it would make it obvious which companies they were for, but I am going to talk about my view on the events and interviews which took place.

I had an interview for a job with one company, with two people I knew well, as well as some assessments.  Although I’d applied for the job, I had also done some work for them behind the scenes on a subject, and it seemed rather convenient that the interview came shortly after, and that I appeared to be added to the day’s list of candidates.  I wasn’t sure how to approach the interview, and putting myself across as confident is probably far from my strong point (certainly something which was picked up on at some subsequent interviews, and fed back to me).  These people knew I had Autism, and I don’t think that helped.  Whether them knowing me made a difference I really don’t know.  But, when it came to the outcome, I was unsuccessful, and they didn’t reply to my request for feedback either, which for a first application with that company, I was disappointed with.

I still see the people who interviewed me to this day, and I’ve put that down to never really being on their shortlist, and only having the interview because of the work I had done.  Over two years or so, I’ve also had 4 interviews with another railway company, for similar roles, but in different locations.  I completed (and passed) their assessments, but it has been the interview stage where I have not been able to be successful.  Given the nature of the roles, I chose not to disclose my Autism – whether or not this was the right thing to do – I don’t know.  But, it’s what I chose.  If I applied now, I would disclose it.  Let’s be honest, anyone could read this, and there’s no point in hiding behind such a major influence on my life, and the way I am.  I know this now, but I didn’t understand things as well back then.  Their interviews are distinctly structured, and so aside from the worries of what to expect, nerves and general difficulties in assessing how I was putting myself across, I really didn’t know what to expect.

The first and second interviews weren’t very good, aside from learning the structure of the questions.  The feedback indicated I lacked confidence and conviction in my answers.  By the third interview, I had spoken with others who had succeeded where I had not, and felt much more confident, although still a bit unsure of myself as to whether I was saying the right things.  This time, from the feedback I received, and the general way I felt being much more positive and comfortable, I hoped for a better outcome.  It wasn’t to be the right option, but the feedback I received was more positive, but again my failing had come down to a lack of specific experience.

The fourth and final interview was the most recent, and was itself now nearly a year ago.  This one didn’t go as well as the third one for whatever reason.  I went into it with events in my life being better than at the times of the previous interviews, and I felt more relaxed, but I think I was perhaps seeing it as something that either would or would not be, rather than really wanting it.  I didn’t get the job.  Indeed, I haven’t applied for another job since then (not without looking), but other things are not as bad as they were, and the obvious roles which have come up are either too far away from me, or have been taken by others I know in our industry with more experience.

Looking back over time, I know why I was unsuccessful with some things I tried, and for others, I know it was not the right time, or that the person who was given that job was the right person for it.  I’m sure there is little point in hiding my Autism, as it will probably only come back and bite me afterwards, and I believe in being honest.  I thank my friends and family for their prayers and support in some very difficult times, and through some difficult challenges.

Moving forwards, I’m not really sure where life is taking me at the moment.  Things are certainly much better than 2-3 years ago, although far from perfect.  I feel that my current job is a bit single ended, and I keep looking for ways to move on without taking a big jump or direction change.  If I was to look at something different, then I simply have no idea what, and so I’m not looking.  I pray that when the right time comes, the right opportunity will become available for me to move forwards in my career, and that the people involved will see me for who I am, and what I can offer.

Sunday, 19 August 2012

I have a Dream...

I have a Dream…
This is something I wrote when I was 11 or 12 for something at school (RE I think?), and it’s been stuck up on the wall next to my computer ever since.  After finishing “Friendships and Relationships”, I thought of it, and so I’ve copied it here.  What's your dream?

I have a dream, that one day,
Everyone will be treated the same,
Everyone will be friendly,
And the world will be free from hatred.

I have a dream, that one day,
We can promise to be nice,
We can accept each other for who we are,
Whether this be easy or hard.

I have a dream, that one day,
Everyone will understand,
All of our differences,
Major or minor.

I have a dream, that one day,
Everyone will be equal,
No leaders, hierarchy or politics,
And everyone will respect everyone else.

I have a dream, that one day,
My life will change,
That I can be happy,
And so can everyone else.

I have a dream, that one day,
Life will be so perfect,
Everyone will be happy,
And everything will be positive.

I have a dream, that one day,
The world will be a better place,
A happy place,
Because I have a dream.

Friendships and Relationships

Friendships and Relationships
One of the most difficult things to me is dealing with social situations, in whatever forms that may be.  I often find myself alone thinking “what would I be doing if I didn’t have the difficulties I do”?  During my teenage years, I found making friends very difficult, and keeping the few I had made over time even more difficult, but I have covered this already.  I hardly speak to any of the people I knew from school now, probably because when I left, I just wanted out, but also because I never had that best friend or group of friends most of you have.

I went through a period where I did very little socialising with anyone roughly my own age.  I had a few friends through church, and through my railway connections.  When I went to college, I never really made any real friends.  When I joined a local model railway club (probably my first move to join up with a group of people to work together as a team in the adult world), I did over time make friends with most of the members there.  Although there are a few people I find difficult, there are also a few good friends who I get on and work really well with.  Although I’ve tried, there aren’t many who I can transfer that friendship to things outside of the model railway club, which has generally been the same for so many groups and activities.  In some things, I have friends within that organisation, but have to switch to another group of friends when I do something different.

Unfortunately, sometimes this is very difficult.  I find myself trying to be a part of one of these groups of friends at times, sometimes when they seem not to want to be my friend.  I’ve had to leave a couple of groups because the lack of responses towards me was causing me more frustration than the happiness and fulfilment I got from the good times.  I often find that my friendship groups only last for a period of time, and I think this is because I seem to always be on the outside of the group, and never break into its core.

I don’t understand why it is that friendships come so difficult to me.  People say it’s because of the way I perceive others, or that I can be too negative and sharp with people.  I don’t understand this, but I try and try sometimes, and get nowhere easily.  Whilst I don’t get the groups and people pushing me out like happened at school, there does still seem to be people who fight against me, rather than many who just ignore me.

I think one of the biggest things I come up against is getting emotions out of my system.  In the past, I just used to cry, at times a lot, because I knew no other way.  I think I’m a bit better at controlling them now, but unfortunately I seem to get angry quite easily instead.  I’ve got much better at controlling the anger over time as well, but I’m learning how to deal with my emotions, and still struggling at times.  I think part of the issue is being tied to a small spectrum in my life (something for another day, but basically living and working with the same people), and not always being able to get very far away from every day life.

One thing I have learnt to do is to have time away, often at the weekend, where I’ll just go out somewhere, and spend time, often by myself, doing nothing much at all.  Sometimes it might be a couple of hours, sometimes many hours.  Sometimes I come back feeling refreshed, other times I struggle even then to get things out of my system, and it all rolls into the next thing.  One change that I have noticed, is that when I go out for a day, or away for a few days, I often go now to meet up with friends who perhaps I only see a few times each year, rather than for the actual activity (which is usually railway related).  I find I get as much satisfaction from being a real part of a group of friends for that short time, than from the activity itself – probably because I often don’t get the same social interaction in my daily life.

Whilst these irregular occasions are very good at helping me along, there are usually long gaps in between (particularly during the winter months) where we don’t meet.  There are plenty of times when most people need a friend they can trust to talk to, and for me, that’s really difficult struggling with often just myself.  I’ve been hurt in the past by people telling me that they can be trusted, only to prove that I can’t trust them when things I say get passed on to others.  I guess that makes me cautious and aware of what I say to whom, and maybe I’m too cautious (I don’t know)? I guess most of you reading this have that ‘best friend or friends’ you can talk to about anything, and likewise those friends can talk to you about anything.  I just don’t have that.  Yes I have a handful of people I can talk to about certain things (goes back to the groups of friends through specific groups or activities), but I often wish there was someone I could talk to.  Instead I have to either hold my feelings, thoughts and emotions inside, or find a different way of bringing them out.  I guess writing this is part of that?  I’m not sure quite what I can do about this, other than keep trying my best, and hopefully one day, life will become that bit easier.

The other thing that people ask me about from time to time is my girlfriend.  Well – the simple matter is that I don’t have one, and never have had.  (That’s not because I’m gay before anyone asks).  The reasons are probably exactly as I’ve already mentioned above, so I won’t repeat myself.  I don’t know whether I want one or not either – there’s a lot of me thinking that I know the way I am, and I know my life, and I know how to deal with most of what goes on, and there’s the other part which is a struggle being alone.  I often wish I knew someone I could just sit there and be with, and feel completely comfortable with – I guess that’s what love is, but having never experienced anything like it, I don’t really know.  I think what I miss is having that person I can trust, and tell anything to, and know that what I’ve said will be kept to them.  To me, love would be something that grows – I don’t see it as instant, and I see it as long term.  Some people may disagree with me, but that’s my opinion.  Maybe someday I’ll be married and have children, and might look back on this and say I was wrong.

I don’t go around looking for any kinds of friendships (whether that’s the right or wrong approach), but mainly because I struggle to instigate things, and so I usually join onto something set up by others, which sometimes works, but I’ve found often to be difficult.  I try my best to value the friendships I have, but one thing I’ve become aware of is that the friends I do have probably mean more to me than I do to them, I think because of the relatively few friends I have compared with most people.  The problem there is that I probably try to push friendships to fill the gaps I have, when often the ‘friend’ doesn’t wish to reciprocate.

It’s difficult for me to imagine life as something different to now, but being in a relationship with someone does scare me.  I’ve had so many friendships which I’ve perhaps pushed too far, which subsequently ended because I didn’t understand a situation, or I misinterpreted something, and it scares me that something like that happening with such a close friendship would hurt me even more.  I’ve been in situations where things I put a lot of time into making right get taken away by someone else, and then it leaves a big gap, which I find really hard to fill.  It’s those times where I most need friends, and those times where I struggle most.  There are definitely times where I’ve been too public with my feelings (especially on things like Facebook and Skype), but there are also times where ‘e-friends’ have helped me.  Even to me, real face-to-face friends are different to talking to someone online, or even to seeing them on a webcam (such as on Skype).  Often when I’m down, I just wish someone would pick me up and give me a hug, and to me, it’s just not the same doing that online as in person!

In closing this piece, I would like to add that I try my best not to upset people, and not to misinterpret people, but it’s really hard.  Very few people will understand just how difficult a simple conversation can be sometimes with one person, let alone at a big event or party.  That’s probably why I avoid large groups and big events, simply because I don’t feel comfortable enough and relaxed enough to get anything from them, and so I just don’t go!  I know I’ve upset lots of people over the years, or I’ve pushed things too far – if you’re one of those people – then I’m sorry.

I dream of a day when I can see people normally, and interact on a level basis, but until that day, all I can do is my best.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Work Life - The First 8 Years

Work Life – The First 8 Years
Going back to the beginning, my Dad was made redundant in 1992 (when I was 5), and he set up his own garage business in the centre of Lincoln.  From that early age, I was in that environment, and as I grew, I became increasingly aware of what was going on in the business and the discussions between my parents about various related matters.

At the age of 14, I spent the Bank Holiday Monday of Easter weekend with the living room floor full of paperwork working out why my Dad’s purchases with one particular supplier had doubled over three months, but his sales had not.  It turned out that this supplier had processed very few returns, and the amount owed was noticeable!  The following week, I spent the better part of two days in discussions and meetings to help establish what had gone on – it turned out that my Dad was not the only one out of pocket!  From there, I developed a way of matching incoming parts to outgoing invoices, and that way and returns were kept track of until the credit notes were received from the supplier.

During that year’s school summer break, I started to take an interest in buying parts, and started to introduce the idea of shopping around.  Although my impact at that time was minimal, the following year I started to change the way my Dad ordered parts during my school holidays, and started to prove where he could make savings.  During the summer after taking my GCSE’s another year later, I spent nearly 10 weeks working for my Dad, although mainly actually mending and servicing the cars at the time, I also did nearly all of the purchasing as well.  It was during this time that I was able to meet with representatives from many of our suppliers for the first time, and really start working towards increasing profitability.  I also recall there being a bit of an issue regarding alcohol.  One of the suppliers an a promotion which involved cans of beer with something, except the way they did it was actually to charge £0.01 for the beer for some reason.  The one slight issue there was they were selling me (at the age of 15) cans of beer for £0.01!

Beer aside, those ten weeks were a breath of fresh air at the time.  Whilst there were some issues with being accepted by some people I was working with or dealing with, the period was generally a success.  As I’ve already covered, in the autumn of that year (2003), my parents were offered the opportunity to move and expand the business from the centre of Lincoln to North Street Garage at Nettleham.  With this, came my opportunity to join the company, and with the frustrations of school life being ever more of an issue, I made it clear I was leaving at the end of my AS levels to join the family business, and that’s exactly what I did.  The business moved in the spring, although I did not start full time until the afternoon after my last exam (that morning).

So, the summer of 2004 was spent working many long days and weeks building two businesses into one, and finding ways of doing things.  I don’t remember too much about what exactly happened, but I remember being fairly positive, I think possibly because I’d moved on from what I associated a lot of issues with – that being school.  In the September, I started an AAT Accounting course at Lincoln College, which brought its own set of challenges.  I went one day each week (well – I remember finishing mid afternoon and then getting picked up to go back to work for the rest of the afternoon).

During that first year, I remember finding three things frustrating – that I struggled to make any real friendships (which is often he case in new situations), that I found the course very easy, and therefore I often took far less time to complete the work than was allocated, and I remember one day having three hours for lunch, which to me was awkward!  I found (and indeed still do) having nothing to do when I felt I should be doing something very hard, and a frustration.

Back at work, I pushed on with improving relationships with suppliers, and dealing with issues brought together by the amalgamation of two businesses.  I found the purchasing part of my role most rewarding, and still do.  I could quite happily hand the customer relations part over to someone else.  With some customers, I am OK, with others I find it very difficult, and sometimes just freeze up or have to hand them over to one of my parents, as I feel unable to find the right words or solution to their query or problem.  Everyone will probably say this, but there are some people I am able to “get on” with better than others, but it’s particularly difficult with customers.

I changed the way we, as a company, dealt with our purchases, so that we were maximizing the potential of both our increased demand, and the choices of products and suppliers available.   Once things settled down from the big change, I tried to start streamlining things.  I found that combining orders at periodic intervals actually saved time on the phone, and saved time when parts were actually required (i.e. the mechanics had less time to wait).  It also saved our suppliers time and money in that we weren’t ordering small things every five minutes, instead ordering multiple parts at any one time, and therefore they only had to make one delivery.  Unfortunately, this was met with very mixed reactions from our suppliers – some thought it was a good idea; others seemed to me to only be concerned with me taking up time of their staff.  Over time, this got better, although every now and again, someone would get a bit angry at me if I had a long list of part numbers!

As my knowledge of parts grew, and as the manufacturers started to embrace the internet for their cataloguing, I started to use parts cataloguing directly.  Up to this point, I would give the vehicle details to the person on the other end of the phone, tell them what I wanted, and they would quote me.  I generally insisted on getting more than one quote, which was sometimes seen as wasting time, and then making the decision on which supplier to purchase the part or parts from.  However, after a few months of this, it became apparent that the supplier’s listings weren’t always 100% accurate, and we used to end up getting multiple parts as choices.  To me, this defeated the point in trying to be efficient by ordering in batches to reduce the number of journeys made by our suppliers – they were actually making more than one journey in order to deliver the correct part at the second or third attempt.  I found that I was wasting time on the phone whilst 2 or 3 people separately looked up the same part, and then their quotes were not always correct if there was an error in the listing, or what I said was interpreted differently.  So I started looking up my own part numbers, and phoning up the suppliers and asking “how much is an X1234?”  To start with, this was very difficult to convince them that I knew what I wanted, or that I knew there was a choice and that was definitely the part I wanted (I had the vehicle with which to compare against).  Eventually, after many months, and managing to source an entire book case of paper catalogues to supplement the electronic catalogues (some suppliers electronic catalogues in the mid 2000’s were rather basic and buggy), my way of ordering parts became more accepted, and it’s a system I still use to this day, although I now have a pan-European web based catalogue which is becoming more readily used by more parts manufacturers, and has multi-brand listings side by side.  I would never go back to ordering based on someone else’s interpretation – even if I don’t have a listing, I try to work with the person on the phone, and not just accept the first thing they say if I don’t think it’s right.  Maybe that’s just me, and it doesn’t always go down well, but it helps save everyone time and money, and I’ve proven it works.  During the first 18 months when I implemented this system, our returns to supplier fell by nearly 25%, mainly due to the reduction in choices.  Today, they are even less.

During this time, I also tried to grow relationships with suppliers, and make them two-way relationships.  I became frustrated that as I started to compare one with another, they were approaching me as to why I was asking for quotes for so many parts, and not buying all of them.  They often seemed so surprised when I told them they weren’t competitive, and in those days, I was told “we’ll match the price”.  To me that was irrelevant unless I was ordering something else from the same supplier, or there was a quality difference – matching the price wasn’t gaining me anything!  It wasn’t until a new motor factor moved into Lincoln that this situation improved.

Their arrival made some of the existing suppliers re-organise a bit (well – eventually), but this wasn’t without its issues.  Dealing with this particular supplier became hard work, as they had a policy of sourcing from a number of manufacturers and numbering everything using one numbering scheme.  For someone who looks up the part numbers themselves, this was tricky.  All I could do is give them the part number which best suited the part I wanted, and hope the right one arrived if I ordered it.  It was around this time that awareness of quality parts became widespread amongst garages, and this supplier only highlighted the issue.  They would tell me that a part was made by manufacturer A, except when it arrived, it was made by someone else.  Sometimes this was not an issue, but sometimes the alternative was of much less quality.  Many times I returned parts which were not what they were sold to me as.  To my mind, if I ask for something that is “good quality” rather than a “budget brand”, I expect what I asked for, or at least something of an equivalent quality.  I have always only ordered what are considered to be “OE matching quality” parts, and to now have a supplier miss-selling me parts was a stressful time, not only on the basic level of having to source parts twice, but in making them realize that we did not want budget parts.

Eventually (over a year later), this came to a conclusion when we started receiving unbranded suspension components.  I had already been investigating some of the sources given to me of these parts, but had yet to actually prove anything.  That was about to change.  I ordered two Vauxhall suspension arms (same part, but opposites for each side), and was told they were both made by x.  When they arrived, one part was as quoted, but the other was unbranded.  Examination of the part revealed that they were not of the same manufacture, and that there were noticeable differences in the quality.  I even dug out a poster from about ten years previously from Vauxhall about ‘fake’ suspension arms, and sure enough, the unbranded arm I had been sent matched the description of these ‘fake’ arms!  A phone call followed requesting a replacement arm to match the quality part sent for the other side.  I can’t remember why, but they were unable to supply another one at that time, so I re-ordered a pair from another supplier, without issues of quality.  I did also order the replacement from the original supplier, only for that to be another ‘fake’ arm.  A third also arrived (all quoted as would definitely be brand x), and I had had enough.  Looking back, I may have over stepped the mark a bit, but to me it was blatant miss-selling of sub-quality goods.  I contacted the supplier’s head office, and asked for their managing director to deliver me the promised suspension arm of the requested and quoted quality.

To my surprise, he arrived at the garage the next day with another ‘fake’ suspension arm, claiming it was the same.  After what could be described as an “education” from both me, and then my Dad, along with a copy of the original Vauxhall poster, he left with our excess suspension arms, saying the matter would be investigated, as he could not understand how these suspension arms had entered their supply chain.  I heard nothing further, and any parts ordered were now checked meticulously!  About a month later, I received a message saying that the company had changed their supply of suspension components, and I would start seeing a new supply from a company who supplied a well known brand.  Given the previous incident, I checked the company name, and it was a real company, who did manufacture suspension components.  However, I noted that they manufactured the steel or cast iron type of suspension arms, but not the aluminium type which is fitted to many vehicles today.  To my horror, when I enquired about such a suspension arm a few days later, it was quoted as this particular company who don’t make these types of arms, and I verified this using their web catalogue.  I sent my findings to the supplier, and asked again what brand of suspension components they were supplying.  I also sent my findings to the company they claimed was being supplied with arms, and also to the company who supplied the quality products these components were being marketed as.

Within a couple of days, I received an e-mail informing me that the supplier in question no longer wished to deal with me as I was “clearly not satisfied with what they were offering” and “other garages didn’t have the problems” I did with the quality of the parts.  I didn’t take this very well, and neither did my parents.  Whilst they were aware of the quality issues, they did not like the outcome, and the blame was placed straight onto me.  I don’t understand quite what I did wrong, and I’m not really sure where I went wrong.  I saw a problem, and I tried to get to the bottom of it, and looking back, I think there was a cover up.

Back at college, I completed my first two years with ease, and went into the third year.  It was at this point that things became challenging.  I was constantly up against a lack of an accounting background, and a lack of accounting based work to be done at the garage (the course was mainly aimed towards people working as accountants or learning to be an accountant, where I was learning things which I used at work, but certainly not what I was doing all day every day).  Some parts of the course were a battle, and the enjoyment of being away from the office disappeared slowly.

Moving on from those things, I started to try to look for something to regain that sense of fulfilment once again.  I found a hole in the range of certain parts we were struggling to source since the cessation of buying from the supplier with the issues above, and so I started to look for an alternative supplier.  Again, I contacted the parts manufacturers directly, to find out who I could buy their parts through, and at the time, one company was mentioned by three of the manufacturers.  I contacted that supplier, and found they had started to deliver to Lincoln from another branch twice per day, and started to establish links.  They brought a fresh focus as I learnt about their range, which at the time, was much broader than many of the suppliers I dealt with up to that point.  They also had their own electronic catalogue, which proved a useful tool, as it allowed me to check prices online without a phone call, and also to order online.  It also solved the issue of batch ordering, as I did not have to go through a list of part numbers with someone on the phone, whilst it was claimed they were “missing other sales” whist dealing with my enquiry which would generate sales!  Whilst other suppliers since have talked about it, none have followed the example – at least not at a trade level.

As delivery was limited, I was only able to order certain parts from this supplier, something which was rather frustrating.  Eventually they opened a branch in Lincoln, and once the changeover had taken place, I was able to treat them the same as the other suppliers I already dealt with.  Within a few months, I noticed changes behind the scenes as what I saw as politics took over, in that certain products changed.  Whilst there weren’t quality issues, I started to notice errors with their cataloguing.  Again, I switched to checking with other catalogues to ensure I ordered the correct parts, often differing from those listed by the supplier, or perhaps not the one they stocked if I wanted a better value part from their range.  I learnt that this particular supplier only stocked what they wanted you to buy, and that’s what their sales team pushed.  Through using the electronic ordering, I was able to order what I wanted, which was often a part of the same quality in a different brand at a cheaper price.

I was questioned about this on a visit from their representative, and they were asked “why should I pay for their stocking policy?”  In my opinion, it did not offer me the best value for money.  Over time, I started to make progress in persuading them to stock what I wanted to buy, and also started to negotiate better terms as a result of increased business since they had opened in Lincoln.  However, they could not understand why I would not give them all of my purchases in return for these better terms, and I was asked this repeatedly.  They were certain they could offer me best value over “a basket of goods” – which I repeatedly proved to be incorrect – I repeatedly proved that by shopping around, I was achieving the best value.

However, this work did not go unnoticed by my parents, and I received criticism for pursuing things which were outside of what they felt I should be pushing for.  I was determined to get to the bottom of the issues, and I continued to push for the truth, and continued to be frustrated by the lack of willingness of a response.

At around this time, my time at college was coming to an end.  Unfortunately, it all dragged on for an extra 6 months or so after I (and a number of others) failed one part of the final exam.  We all put this down to the difficulty of our lesser workplace experience, and the particular construction of the exam paper being particularly difficult, which was eventually acknowledged.  We all went to re-sit the exam around six months later, and as far as I know, nearly all passed second time.  I remember my feelings were more of relief rather than joy after that exam, and even more so when the result was received.

Back at work, I was now working five days per week full time, and I found I’d lost the escape if I needed it.  Although towards the end, college directly was not the best of experiences, it gave me the chance to have my own space, and a chance to stay completely out of the picture in the evening as well.  I found another issue too – that my time was not always totally occupied.  I started to pursue the bits of my job that I was getting reward from, and principally, that was from buying parts, and understanding what was available to buy from sources other than the car manufacturers.  I have already mentioned the electronic catalogue access given, and I started to use this quite heavily to explore what I thought I might be missing by what I quickly discovered to be some poor listings, and therefore I had to work around that to get the most out of the system.

I also found that I was constantly referring to multiple listings for certain parts, and dealing with constant claims of “we are competitive for x parts” – and kept finding those claims to be misleading.  I started an experiment to see if I could make some of the listings more user friendly, and also make comparisons between suppliers to establish an easier view of what the situation really was.  Over the following months, I built up a file on this basis, and repeatedly found issues and errors in listings.  With one particular supplier, I was able to feedback these errors in their catalogue, and I found myself doing this on nearly a daily database.  After a few weeks, their local management got a little fed up of this, and queried what I was doing.  I was able to prove what I was doing, and disprove a number of things they had told me which I now proved to be false, including how wonderful their pricing structure was (or rather it wasn’t)!  I was asked to report the issues directly to their head office, which I started doing.

To my surprise, after a couple of months of sometimes feeling like I was being ignored, and some accusations I was wasting their time, I was visited by a director.  Up to this point, I had kept what I was doing fairly quiet aside from the specific negotiations over pricing of certain areas, but it was now going to become fairly obvious.  I write the next bit carefully, as events since make me wonder quite how truthful the situation was made out to be, but at the time, it seemed to be the real picture.

This director had come to see me as how was concerned how I was finding so many issues, and also that the pricing issues I was finding were apparently not normal.  I demonstrated with a number of examples on both matters, and he went to talk with my Dad.  Whilst I don’t know quite what was said, I seemed to get the attention of my Dad as to quite what I was doing.  To say that my parents became a little annoyed that I was, as they put it “effectively working for someone else,” hurt me.  They could not suggest what I should do; only what I should not do.  I then set about proving that what I was doing was getting results, and when I looked back at previous records, I had already reduced the purchasing costs by 15-20% through shopping around and dealing with multiple suppliers.  Through that visit, and a number of subsequent visits and phone conversations to try to (apparently) work out a way of making my findings less time consuming to deal with, there did start to become a way forward, and a new pricing structure was set out, which would “sort all of the problems”.

My previous experience told me to check this, so I compared my file again against these new prices, and I found that whilst there were many reductions, there were some quite noticeable increases as well.  The first time I questioned this, I got fobbed off.  By the third or fourth time, it became clear that the whole system had to be looked at again!  I remember one Friday evening having to end a phone call with this director at shortly before 7pm, as I was being collected to go out for dinner (having supposed to have finished work two hours previously).  Whilst some progress was made that evening, there will still some issues remaining.

Unfortunately, the positive dealings were about to come to a sharp end, and in a pattern that seemed to be a repeat of a previous instance, I found myself suddenly shut out of the relations regarding the issues I’d spent so long dealing with, and thought I’d made so much progress with.  It was very difficult for me to understand what had gone on (or indeed what was alleged to have gone on), and I still don’t to this day.  What I do know is that from dealing with the people at the top directly, and actually solving problems, I felt like I was pushed all the way back down the chain over the following months.  The result was that I knew problems existed, but I was talking to a ‘brick wall’ as regards getting anything done about it.

Meanwhile, other suppliers made some changes as well, and I was able to keep an interest in monitoring the situation between suppliers, although no one company was able to offer me a strong overall package.  Despite their representatives repeatedly telling me their company could offer “the best overall package”, I could, by this stage, just print them out a section of the file I had built up, and prove that shopping around still offered the best deal, and it still does today!

I read back, and realise that I’ve mainly focussed on the purchasing side of my job.  Well, there’s another side too – that of the reception counter.  I focus on the purchasing, as that’s always the part I’ve found most rewarding.  On the other hand, the reception side is probably the bit that’s regularly frustrating, as I try to interpret the situations of dealing with customers, and not always getting it right.  The other thing that is really frustrating is when other people take over the conversation I am having.  My Dad seems particularly good at this!

Having read this back through, I’ve decided that I will continue this in another post sometime soon.  There are things I want to put, but this post is long enough for the moment!